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From Within

Editor’s note: This sweet online book was one of the early works of fiction by a young trans woman. I’ve condensed it to one page for historical purposes.


Welcome to From Within written by Victoria Jefferies. From Within has been offline now for some time however with great thanks to Andrea, it has now returned back online in pretty much it’s complete former self. However, many of the articles that appeared on the original website have been lost, and as such only the story will now be found online.

From Within is the story of a girl who to borrow a very well used cliché is born trapped in the wrong body, that of a boy’s body. The story sees Vicky travel to the lowest of lows in her despair to find herself within the horrendous pain that comes from being trapped in the wrong body. From this, Vicky finds light in the cold, harsh and upsetting life she leads to find true hope and true peace. This is a story of courage and of what truly can come from within…

Cover Picture

Contacting Me

I have made the decision to not list an email address here or be contactable. This is because I lead a very busy life and this story was written at a time when I had the means to be able to respond to correspondence. This is no longer the case, however in your travels around the net there will be many helpful, informative and trustworthy individuals who may be able to help you with your queries. Treat the story as my contact to you. 🙂

Parting Words

I truly wish you all the best in your search for the truth within you, and that you find the true inner peace you seek in good time whatever the outcome. Hold on to hope and seek the answers you are searching for, and do yourself proud in life. Believe in you, you can go so far.. 

With Love,

Foreword to this Edition

This is indeed a very long foreword when one considers the length of the original, however there was a very important subject for me to address, and for that reason the words flowed so perfectly for me, that this was the only way I knew how to express this foreword.

I shall be completely honest here, I had written this new foreword once already, and received some feedback, and it was self evident from that feedback that I had been way off the mark that I was intending to strike. I am not entirely certain how it came about that the subject of the joy and wonder of one’s female gender and womanhood turned into a rather confused, contentious and indeed misunderstood piece that set a tone of ‘making do’ and things being as good as they get. If anything, it proves that even someone who considers writing to be one of their defining talents can really miss the mark terribly. This time around I am going to do not just myself justice but to the women I am representing in my writing.

This book beyond all other factors should at least begin to show the amazing and joyous things that come of one’s successful transition into womanhood and subsequent assimilation. Indeed for the person afflicted by a crisis of gender, associating themselves as being female but trapped in the wrong body as per the well used cliché or indeed of an intersex condition (like myself) and raised as the wrong gender; finally having the chance to grow and develop physically as well as socially as a woman brings joys beyond all that we would have known. We possibly imagined them, but no one can prepare you for your own experience and journey, because it will be an incredible one, and one full of experiences, happiness, joys and pleasures beyond perhaps the wildest of dreams. These things that we will appreciate and cling to so dearly when they come to you, because they will come, keep your dream alive – simply because you deserve to make your dreams reality.

One of the key matters that dogged this foreword in its original incarnation was in fact the expression of perhaps the less than joyous aspects of womanhood which was a total contradiction from the intended sentiment. Let’s take a step back in time, to when I was thirteen, the year is 1996 and the winter was setting in hard, the temperatures lingered around forty degrees with a bitter wind, and nobody was allowed inside the school buildings itself during lunch times. At the time I was still socially living and seen as male, there are no two ways about it, I was seen as a boy, I was living as a boy (no matter how I felt inside, that was the role I was living against my own choice) and that is what was expected of me, a boy.

It is of course a well known fact that I did not identify as male, or indeed as a boy, it is self evident for this book that I identified as female, I was female, and I was a girl and of course that is the case today. But we are not in 2005, it’s 1996 – almost ten years ago, and all I can remember is sitting sometimes on my own in the playground just looking at every other girl around me and feeling absolutely awful, for myself. I could see there smiles, their laughs, the little song of joy that seeped from their lips in each other’s company. I could see their care-free attitude with their singing along to the current records of the time, and their dancing motion as they visibly loved life, and were enjoying it with an innate naive attitude. Every girl who I looked at in the groups I yearned to be a part of had a smile on each of their faces. I could feel my whole body yearning for a single moment where I could be with them and be as one with the girls I admired so deeply. And whilst I felt a deep sense of despair, at the same time I began to feel the tiniest amount of joy that they were experiencing, the special bond between women and the wonderful experience of female life that sometimes becomes a little lost, but one that can never be taken away.

My gazes of wonderment would see them flicking through teen magazines, chatting about fashion, make up, hairstyles, music and – boys. I could see them flicking their hair gently, sometimes they would even try out the hairstyles that the magazines had within them on their girl friends and either fall about laughing if it did not look right or rally around when they really felt a style suited one of their fellow girls. Such a warm loving friendship that I was fast learning that only women can experience in such a wonderful, joyous and gentle way, and I could feel that warmth – and if anything it was the warmth that lead me to doing what I had to do.

I would often see the girls I admired with such fondness entering the girl’s restrooms, and later coming out with the cheeky hint of lip gloss or lipstick that rebelliously they had snuck on to those joyful and smiling lips, rebelling against the rules of the school, I liked that nature. Their little games of flirtations with boys and the warmness they sought from male company, the very subtle movements they made on the boys who gave those girls that wanted attention. Seeing them reach a lone finger out to touch their hands, or moving their legs to touch so gently, or their legs crossed as their foot gently moved in a circular motion, that starry-eyed look that they gave. There was so much joy and beauty in their whole way of life that whilst made me so jealous, it also made me incredibly happy knowing that they held something so special, something that I yearned for so deeply myself and left the most important impression on me – that though I yearned for the physical ‘transformation’ of my body to be female at long last, but that I also began to crave and yearn the social assimilation of being a young girl in society – so that I could share in those deep, warm and loving worlds that they had.

In the intervening years, I made some efforts to ‘encroach’ upon those worlds, by beginning to in some aspects assimilate my girl-hood before I even began to transition or I was even out. I could see there were things that they were denied, and for this reason I began to push for girls to have more opportunities especially in physical education/sports at school at the school council meetings; and thankfully with a great deal of success. I did not do this for the affection, or the possible ego boost that some might seek, but I was doing it for my girls, because I could understand their angst at being excluded from doing certain sports and other activities at school. Whilst it would still take me time to fully take on board the full experience that one can only experience with assimilation into the female role and the feelings that they felt at being denied something they wanted to do in this case, I still did it for ‘my girls’ because this was at the time the best way I could reach out my hand to say “I’m with you every step of the way!”. I may not have wanted to partake in those activities or sports, but it was doing something for the girls who did – learning the importance of being there, and sticking together.

As time went by, I began to soon have far more girl friends than I did boy friends again, and I was included. I was often sought for advice on relationships to get the ‘male perspective’ which I always felt was curious but nonetheless, I did what I wanted to do so badly in the years prior and that was be there for my girl friends to share their pains when they were low, to give them the reassuring hugs of shared loving friendship, and to encourage and support – and to also share in their joys and times of great happiness. This in itself was a great step forward, and though some of my boy friends of the time always felt it a little odd, I was glad that at long last being able to sit with these girls and giggle about the good, and to console and support during the bad around a table over a bottle of wine began to really bring home to me the shared affinity that women have between us, and it was that that made sure of my transition because for me to socially assimilate as the girl I dreamed to be, I needed to change physically as I desired so heavily, and with that physical change would come the complete assimilation as a girl in society, and so that the girls I viewed with such great admiration as well as envy would no longer just be in my view, but rather I would become one of them as I so longed to be.

My time came soon enough, and my physical transition began, but I knew all too well that I did not wish to be locked into this stage of transition because my girlhood would not be defined by the physical development of my female body, but rather that and the assimilation and full development socially as a girl. The joy of seeing my body grow and finally develop along the lines of which were natural to my mind was a joy beyond all those I had ever experienced up to that point, when I began to feel the tenderness of my budding breasts and the softness of my skin emerge, and seeing that little starry glint grow in my eyes that I had seen in the girls I admired so deeply in ’96. If anything having the right body was my passport to the freedom and liberation that I would find in my emotional and social assimilation into female life. As time progressed it became all the more clear to me not to be locked into the stage of transition forever, because if I did that, I knew that I would fall short of all that I desired and dreamed of.

This is by no means an instruction guide whereby A, B followed by C will lead to full assimilation into your womanhood – and maybe that is the point, this is something that comes from within. The birth of your body the way it was always meant to develop is your passport to exploring your identity and place in life as a woman, because there is no one place, and you will find your place within the female world. There are some women who positively cringe at the thought of martial arts for example but for some women that is there way of life, if anything this exemplifies the multiplicities of women’s identities, however there are those bonds that run so deep that bring women together, and to me that will always bring me back to those moments at school where I looked on with such envy but the birth of a joy of seeing those girls just being girls and sharing the things that were so important to them in an innate loving and sensitive way.

Being able to develop socially and emotionally as the girl I so dreamed to be brings me experiences, wonders and feelings that are beyond all that I could have ever dreamt. It varies from the simplest of things from the girl’s night in, with Chinese ordered in, a few girly videos, a couple of bottles of wine – simply magic. The conversation, the laughter, and even the little gossip make for magic moments. Even though we are now past the age of thirteen, the very same things the girls were discovering then we are still enjoying now and I am part of it. To me there is no better experience than doing each other’s hair and choosing outfits, deciding on our makeup and helping each other before we go to dance the night away, to have some real fun, to have a laugh and embrace, cherish and revel in our burgeoning girlhood. Whilst for all my girl friends this is not a new experience, it is not for me either as I have also been living in my female role now for a good length of time – and nothing seems to ever dwindle that wonderful fun loving attitude that we have as girls. We may not go out looking for a man, we may not even go out to get a kiss, but we may go out to flirt and laugh the night away, and before we know it we are back at a friend’s apartment singing into the small hours of the morning all huddled bumping to the sweet hip hop grooves and singing along doing what we do best, and that’s having fun.

Every time I am with the girls shopping and lunching, running through the reduced racks and gawping at the awful things that lurk within and the stellar bargains hidden within, trying not to giggle in the changing rooms at one of our girls when the outfit she has tried on simply does her no justice, and rallying behind her when that super cute outfit just does her wonders. And then it might be on to lunch, so what is on the menu, it would have to be a bottle of the cheap wine, a shared pizza maybe and where we will take our tired feet next because there is still five hours of shopping left before the shops close!

If anything this is just a very small portion of the joy I have found in my life in my assimilation into my girlhood, and I am so profoundly grateful for the deep joy and wonder that it has brought me, and will bring so many others if this is truly what they seek and desire. So if you were looking today at the girls in the street, who seemed to be a world away from the anxiety, discomfort, envy, pain and the many myriad of feelings that being in the wrong body brings, see their starry eyed glint, that little bit of joy that escaped through those lips? If you want that, you will achieve that. There is so much more beyond physical transition in our journey, because for me having my own body was only half the journey for me, the other half was sharing in that joy that I always viewed from afar. The things I fantasised so deeply about are now a reality every single day, even if I am on my own, just knowing that I am walking down this street, with that confident playful bounce in my stride, seeing the reflection in the windows as I glide by blissfully, seeing the clothes I yearned to wear to express my inner being and personality, a face that is familiar and comfortable to me, and just knowing I am treated in society as one of the girls, it’s a joyous and wonderful thing.

The things I have done in the past few years are self evident of my liberation, the feeling I got when I was sitting at Heathrow airport (London, UK) waiting for the call for the Chicago O’Hare bound British Airways flight, by myself was a thrill beyond anything I had experienced before. I was there, on my own, flying thousands of miles away, I would never have done this before! My experience has been truly liberating, my spirit as a girl has been set free, my happy go lucky nature is out, and I am loving every single waking moment of it. Sometimes when I go to bed at night, I can lay there with a smile on my face, not because some cute guy is in my life, but because I am ecstatic inside at every day that I spend as myself. I find myself saying the most simple, but profound things to myself, I love being me, I love my life, I love being a girl. My gratitude is eternal.

I think if we all look deep down inside of us, we will truly agree that living as a girl is not the physical transition alone, it is much more substantial, something that compounds the joy of the physical coming of our female bodies and multiplies the joys we experience many-fold. And if we make it, it’s a huge reward for ourselves, but a reward in knowing that we can now make the impact on our girl friends in the way we long desired.

I have been there at the best of times for my girls, I remember the profound thrill I got from being asked if I could do my housemate’s hair and make-up for her graduation ball – the acceptance and joy I felt in that was something beyond anything I could ever have dreamt. And beyond that, meeting the approval of the other girls and being complimented was a wonderful feeling, to feel embraced and as one.

But it hasn’t all been the bed of roses, I have been there for my girls when times have been hard. On two occasions now I have had girl friends who have been worried sick they were pregnant, and I was the one they wanted by them when they took the home pregnancy test, to give them the hugs and words of support and love.

As I have said there are so many multiplicities of womanhood and how we take that on, for me – being there for my girls is the most important thing for me, I truly want to be able to give them something, even if it’s a smile when they feel a little glum, because I hate to see a sad face!

I think the most striking point to make about this, and to end on is that I don’t think I will ever fully ‘assimilate’ or make it to a stage where one meets an unequivocal level of being a girl. How can I say this? Quite easily.

I do not think there will be a day where I do not find a newfound joy, happiness or pleasure of being a girl, and yes there are moments like PMT that can make us feel wretched, but it passes, and our joy is never far away.

There will always be something new, something that adds to me as a person, as a girl, and that defines my personal experience of my girlhood. Something that makes my feet twitch, that makes my lips smile broadly, that brings the twinkle to my eyes, that makes me reach that lone finger out to feel a man’s touch when I flirt. My simple message to leave you with is:

being a girl is a deeply profound joy.

Victoria Jefferies,
April 2005.

Original Foreword

I just thought I’d write a little foreword to this book, maybe to bring it into better context.  The story is pretty much a reflection of myself, though I haven’t completed my whole journey, I have tried to show that having a gender identity dysphoria can be disabling and distressing, but not forever.  I have trodden most of the path this story will tell and as I say, it really is about me, with a few extra bits, notably the later chapters.

I wish to remain an anonymous author for this book; as I am trying my best to live stealth now; where no one needs to know of my gender issues that have haunted me in the past, and I can carry on with what I feel is normal to me now.  Yes, by strict definition, the medical world calls me a male-to-female transsexual; but I hate being called that.  I am just female, a girl, a woman – that is all I am.  I just hate being labelled.

So hopefully this story will bring further awareness in a truthful manner; and perhaps show that gender issues aren’t depraved, perverted or the repertoire of the pornography industry; but real life issues that affect far more people than perhaps we can ever imagine; and it’s not a recent ‘phenomenon’; world history is littered with gender issues and writings on individuals in the ancient world who felt they were the opposite sex from the moment of self-awareness.

I hope this story will not just show the pain; but above all the joy, acceptance and love that can come from all of this, it’s not an entirely bad thing to be ‘transsexual’, because the result will hopefully be an entirely positive thing, where a mere existence is turned around, and becomes a fulfilled life.  Enjoy.

Vicky x

This foreword was originally written in December 2002

Chapter One

Vicky was just another ordinary girl, and had only just started primary school, aged four and a bit.  She soon made fellow girl friends, even with a couple of the boys there, she didn’t know that at the time, she wouldn’t be at that school for very long before she and her family moved far away.

Of course, I say Vicky was just a normal girl, but she had something different about her, compared to all the other girls. This for many years to come made her very unique to most, and she soon realised as she began to think for herself what was unique or perhaps so very wrong with her.  You see, unlike most girls, Vicky had a boy’s body, and was called by a boy’s name and was treated by friends and family as a boy.  It was at the age of four that Vicky soon realised to herself that she didn’t feel like the boy everyone told her that she was, but very much like a girl.  I suppose you may say, how can a four year old know she isn’t a boy like everyone else says she is and contrary to her body’s appearance.  Then, it is the most basic identity issue, and she did not feel or think like boys, she was just a girl.

She carried on playing with what she wanted, and with whom she liked and carried on in the way that she only knew how.  Not before long however, she soon found she was often being picked on, mostly by older boys, being called names and to the extent of being pushed out of the lunch and tuck shop queues, and made to cry, it wasn’t fair for such a young thing.

But she still had her true friends and that made her happy, and her family were quite permitting of her not typical masculine behaviour which they maybe expected of her, but being the first born, her parents knew no better perhaps.  She contently played with her teddies having tea parties in her Wendy House, playing with her post office set, riding her yellow bike and drawing away.  There was also a new baby in the household, at last she had the baby sister she so dearly wanted, and she was so cute!  She already had a brother, born the year previous, he was nice enough, but not a sister for poor Vicky!

Now that she had her sister, and instantly took to her, her name was Emily and she played with her as a little baby, but inside felt a little envy creeping in, why can Emily be treated like a girl, and not herself?  It was simply because Vicky’s parents saw her as a boy, not a girl, and as she would find out, this would almost lead to her death in later years.  But not to dwell on sad things a year later, Vicky’s mum and dad decided that the time had come to move from their current house, to one which was in the country, by this time she was five years old.

Having spent a lot of summers in this part of England, Vicky was alright about moving away; but she as any child was reluctant to let go of her old home which for her, symbolised her security despite the bullying that was already creeping into her life.  And now that a year had past when the emergence of identification of being female, her feelings had deepened further and so had her conviction and the upset was beginning to creep in about her treatment, which was not very much like her sister, though her parents were ‘alright’ about her apparent femininity, as her brother was in no way like she was, she was much more like her sister Emily.

As time past, Vicky made new friends again at her new school, predominantly girls as you could expect; but not before long, the bullying curiously started again, she did not understand why other people should be so mean to her for no apparent reason, calling her names and even sometimes punching her.  Even worse, she even started getting beaten up, this was not at all fair.  Especially as her own gender identity issues were deepening in their severity and causing their own distress.  Often crying at night, or screaming inside Why can’t I be normal, praying that when she would wake in the morning her ‘thing’ would have disappeared (the ‘thing’ being her penis) or that she would look in the mirror and look like the girls she would draw at night and wish to wake up looking like them.

However, Vicky made the most of her lovely sister Emily who was so sweet and kind to her, they both played with their toys and this was Vicky’s means of having toys considered very definitely feminine ones.  Also, her best friend was a girl called Chloe, they often spent much time with each other, playing, watching videos, riding bikes and sucking ice poles from the sweet shop in the summer sun.  However, having such a good unit of girl friends, allowed Vicky something she would not always have access to at home, and that was dressing up in her friend’s clothes.  Her friend’s felt it was ‘wrong’ for her to do so, but they soon let her get on with it, and thought nothing of it.  After all, Vicky’s many tantrums in the barbers about having her hair cut meant that her parents had let her grow her hair long like most other girls, and indeed she did look like a girl with the long hair, even more so when wearing a friend’s dress!  Of course with Emily being four years her junior, Emily’s clothes would not fit her, after all a seven year old is bigger than three year olds.


Many afternoons were spent having tea around Chloe’s house, and their favourite videos soon became The Water Babies and The Little Mermaid, Vicky saw something in that felt so right, a glimmer of hope that one day she would change and people wouldn’t think she was a boy as she so screamed from her inner being, but just her, a girl.  That would be possible, but little did she know that lay another ten years ahead.

Things worsened at school, and then one day, perhaps just as she knew she would, she ended up having a crush on someone.  To add to the confusion of other people’s insistence that she was a boy, a new person came to the class, she was now nine.  Immediately Vicky had a huge crush on this person, another girl?  No, this was a boy, she was knocked for six and instead of always daydreaming of her future adventures as a girl, this boy, Alex entered into those daydreams.  She could not keep her eyes off of him, but others noticed this as well.  Her friends that still saw her as a boy, despite her continued typical feminine behaviour, and her insistence to them that she should be called Vicky, they began to get curious about her behaviour around Alex, the new boy.  She had decided on being called Victoria a couple of years prior after going through the girl’s names in her class at the time, the name felt so right for her, and she loved the name shortened to Vicky.

Chloe one day after seeing her staring at Alex again asked her
“Do you like Alex or something, you keep looking at him” she said
“Well… do you think I shouldn’t?” Vicky replied
“But boys should like girls shouldn’t they?  Do you think you love him?” Chloe responded with clear curiosity and a hint of excitement
“I guess I do really like him, but I have told you before I wish I was a girl” Vicky said feeling really down about her inability to act on her feelings.
“But, how can you be, you have a boy’s thing and I suppose you do look girly!  But, maybe you are just one of those boys who like other boys, my dad says they are queer, or gay” Chloe said perhaps not realising how wrong she was, but how could she comprehend the issue that was evident, transsexualism, but both had yet to discover the word and its meaning.
“I don’t feel like a boy, I feel like a girl, I am a girl just like you, why aren’t I like most other boys, I do all the things you girls do and really like it?” Vicky said standing up for herself again.
“I suppose you could be right, maybe you are special and will change one day, anyway you’re still my friend and I suppose that being a girl, liking boys is a good thing!” Chloe responded trying to reinforce her friendship with Vicky.


Alex left after a year at the primary school, this made Vicky very upset for a long time, he was after all the son of a father who was in the RAF, and he was posted to Wales in the summer of 1993.  The last year of primary school was much the same as it always had been, except Vicky felt that her ties with her girl friends were harder to keep than ever as she was expected to behave like a boy more and more.  But she couldn’t, she just wasn’t a boy.  But at least with her friends like Chloe, she still played with them, went to clubs with them and carried on the dance lessons she so enjoyed.  She was still getting on fine with her parents, her brother James and her sweet sister Emily by now seven years old.  Firstly her mum was still OK about her apparent odd behaviour for a boy, compared to eight year old James who was a typical boy, he wasn’t a bully or mean, but much tougher than his sisters Emily and Vicky.  Vicky’s dad was more discouraged by her behaviour, his absence for four years working away from home had come to an end a year or two prior and he noticed more than ever his “son’s” apparent odd behaviour and sometimes shouted at her to grow up and stop behaving the way she did, like any other girl.

Emily however was still sweet as pie to her, but too young to understand sometimes what Vicky said about how she was feeling, they still played together often.  However one day Emily, the inquisitive girl that she was, asked Vicky,
“Why don’t you play with toys like James’?”
Vicky had to think carefully how to answer in a way that her sister would understand, she was extremely close to Emily, having looked after her so much and tending her when she was a baby, they shared most things together, and Emily often talked to Vicky about how many boyfriends she had!
“Emily, the reason I play with my toys and yours is because inside I feel like a girl!”, Vicky said slowly and scared of the repercussions that could have on her sister,
“A girl!” Emily giggled, but saw Vicky almost ready to cry “How can you be a girl when you are a boy, everyone says you are a boy and you’re my brother!” Emily said kind of scared and confused but ready to try and understand
“I guess I feel like a caterpillar, you know what they do don’t you?” said Vicky
“Yes, we did it in class a long time ago” Emily said looking eager to find out more
“I think at the moment I’m like the caterpillar, hiding myself inside, and one day I will hide away for a little bit in my shell and come out like a butterfly does.  Do you understand Emily?” explained Vicky
“No, because you don’t want to be a butterfly” Emily said bemused
“No I’m not, but I’m like that, I’m hiding in a boys body and one day I will sleep and wake up in a girl’s body, I hope” added Vicky to aid Emily’s understanding
“Oh, I see, but you look like a girl now with your hair long, but you have a willy, so when will you be a girl?” asked Emily grinning, Vicky paused at being reminded of her hugely hated member.
“I don’t know, when mummy and daddy know I guess” answered Vicky
“Have you got my wedding Barbie doll?” asked Emily going back to the things her and Vicky enjoyed much more
“I think it’s under my pillow, and I don’t want to be Ken this time!” joked Vicky, Emily giggled and just as Vicky went to get up, she gave Vicky a little kiss on her cheek and said
“I love you!”, Vicky almost burst out in tears, her sister was just so sweet and understanding even being so young as Emily was, and they carried on playing just as they had done many times.


Chapter Two

Time pushed ever onwards for Vicky, and before she knew it she had finished her years at primary school, all that lay ahead were the hot summer days playing out in the garden, or maybe the beach, and plenty of time to play with Emily and Chloe.  The first Saturday of the summer holiday was really hot, and Chloe came knocking on her door to see if she wanted to go out with her on their bikes.

“I’m not sure, because I think we’re going to the beach Chloe” said Vicky “I’ll ask, do you want to come too?” she asked

“Well, it does sound nice!” Chloe answered not wanting to sound as if she was inviting herself

“I’ll just go and ask my mum, Emily’s coming too, and I think James is bringing a friend, better avoid them then!” Vicky joked.

Vicky went to her mum and asked if Chloe could come to the beach if they were definitely going, Emily really liked Chloe as well, and she started jumping up and down to try and persuade mum.  Mum gave in easily enough and said she could come, Emily and Vicky ran back to the front door

“Hi Chloe!” said Emily with a big beaming smile,

“Hello Emily, wow those are cool jelly shoes!” Chloe said looking down at her sparkly pink summery shoes

“Thankyou I got them last week in a shop in the town” Emily answered

“Well you are allowed to come, why don’t you come inside we’ll make you lunch and stuff and you can phone your mum and dad to say you’re coming to the beach” said Vicky

“Can I phone now?” Chloe enquired

“Yeah sure!  We’ll be in the garden shed getting our beach stuff” said Vicky as Emily rushed out to the garden shed to find the buckets, spades and beach ball she had for her birthday in June.


The three girls had a great time on the beach, making sandcastles and playing with Emily’s beachball.  All to often Chloe and Vicky were caught staring at some of the guys on the beach, in one instance Emily knocked the ball to Vicky only for her to get donked on the head by the ball as she was staring at a guy that was much older than eleven!  Emily didn’t get too annoyed, it was just distracting.  Emily although knowing Vicky felt like a girl, she still saw her as her brother, so on one hand found it odd that she should like boys, but when she thought about it, if she looked at Vicky as a girl that she still looked quite like and that she claimed to feel like, it was probably quite normal!  In the best sense of the word for a seven year old’s understanding!  However they had a fantastic time on the beach, sunbathing, and had an ice lolly each, and even Emily was caught taking a glance at James’ friend, with Chloe and Vicky giggling and then Emily swinging around saying “And?” and smiling with a very distinct blush!  The day drew to an end and all three girls vowed they would go to the beach again, soon.

Vicky having finished Primary School was looking forward to secondary school, she thought maybe she would finally get away from all the taunts she received before and all the physical abuse she suffered.  The outlook seemed good, however for poor Vicky things were to go drastically downhill.  The rest of the summer was quite damp despite a promising start and boredom set in often with Vicky and her sister, puzzle after puzzle was completed, Vicky did some drawings for Emily to put on the her bedroom walls, and they played with all the usual toys.  James and his friends often had a laugh at Vicky for playing with her sister and Chloe with “girl’s” toys, which she felt hurt by, but Emily would always be there smiling at her, and just as loving as ever.  They were inseparable, and for Vicky this was fast becoming a lifeline.  Emily asked Vicky a question one day that she had meant to ask for a long time

“Do you ever dress in girl’s clothes?” she asked

Vicky paused to see if Emily’s bedroom door was shut so that no one could hear her, because she could share anything with Emily and have things kept secret.

“When I go around Chloe’s house and my other girl friend’s, yes sometimes I do.  And you know I used to wear your nurse outfit sometimes when we played nurses when you were younger” Vicky explained

“I just wanted to ask, just that not many girls wear boys clothes, I know you have to because well mummy and daddy say you are a boy and so does everyone else” said Emily

Vicky tried to smile, but hung her head and felt so much shame, and just as ever, Emily spoke up

“But you can be my sister if you really want to be, and I can call you Vicky if you really want me to?”

Vicky looked up at her sister with big blubbery eyes and wept, and she reached out to Emily and hugged her and said

“Yes, I would love that”

“Ok, so now we are sisters, do we do anything different than before?” Emily enquired

“Not a single thing!” said Vicky.  Emily smiled, it was still raining so Vicky suggested to her that they asked mum if they could buy Strawberry flavoured fairy cakes and bake them, they both liked cakes, and liked cooking, it after all let the time pass by doing something different, something special.


It was the day before starting secondary school, and rather foolishly Vicky’s mum had left the school shopping before both girls went back to school, it wasn’t a problem, just a rush.  The easy bit as always was going into the stationers and both choosing the same pencil case, pens, pencils, rubber – they insisted on having the same.  That left, the dreaded school uniform problem, that Vicky’s mum usually had.  To her mum, she had no idea why her “son” would go all sulky at this point in shopping, after all James never enjoyed it but at least he didn’t give her hassle.  Vicky had no problem with wearing trousers and shorts, well most girls did wear them, but she felt annoyed that her sister Emily was allowed trousers, and a skirt, she just had trousers.  For Vicky, there was no way of suggesting that she wanted the same as her sister, well she did when Emily started school, but it ended up embarrassing her mum hugely in the shop and the assistant chuckling to his fellow assistant.  After the trouble that brought for her, she never spoke of it again, and somehow it seemed her mum had forgotten the episode until

“Look, you have to try them on to see if they fit” said her mum

“I can tell by putting them up in front of me that they fit” Vicky stubbornly replied

“No, you must try them on, I hope this isn’t another of your tantrums about wanting to have a skirt like Emily, you can’t wear them!  You can’t have everything your sister does, you’re a boy!” her mum responded, trying not to draw attention to the situation.  Emily looked at Vicky and smiled to try and comfort her.  Vicky acknowledged that and quipped

“Sorry I’m just tired, sorry”

“Ok, but please try the trousers on and then we have finished and get the bus home” her mum said trying to at least to get somewhere

“Ok, as long as I can go home afterwards” Vicky sighed and stomped into the changing rooms, a experience she never enjoyed.


Once back home Emily and Vicky helped unpack some of the food shopping for their mum and quickly ran off upstairs to play, and talk without their mum being around, Emily quietly closed the door, and being the thoughtful child she was, so much more grown up than her age she smiled at Vicky as she always did and said to her quietly

“Because you’re my sister, one day mum will know and you can wear what I wear, anyway can you draw me Bugs Bunny again I lost that picture, I think James and his nasty friend Adam stole it from my wall and well can you” she asked

Vicky smiled at her sister’s wisdom and duly drew Emily her picture, and before dinner, she had just finished, and she gave Emily a big hug and thanked her.

Vicky hardly slept the night before she started secondary school, she was so excited about it, and look forward to a more peaceful time.  It started well, she made a few friends but was split up from Chloe, and put on a table of people she didn’t know, but she got along, alright.  However in her tutor group were a group of boys who she knew instantly were the laddish type, and though she did like the look of one of them, she could see they could be trouble.  In different classes, she began to notice them acting like a ‘mob’ and acting very much in the ways that the boys who had bullied her before.

And not before long, the hard working and studious, and feminine Vicky, soon began to get picked on.  Being called names that she had heard before like “sissy” “girlie” “girl’s blouse”, and because it was hard to hide her attraction to boys, people noticed this and saw fit to heckle homosexual insults her way.  She was soon back to the stage of deep upset all over again, but none of them resorted to physical violence towards her, yet.  She told Emily about it, but she didn’t know what to tell Vicky to do, she said maybe you need to get tougher and answer back, but it would never work.  Emily was a popular girl at school and that was something that made Vicky very happy indeed.  In fact, sometimes Vicky would selflessly think only of Emily’s needs and would often hide the suffering that was becoming ever more intense.

The year progressed and she did well at her work, receiving good grades and enjoying her classes and being a very good pupil.  But this only continued her persecution from seemingly an ever larger group of boys, and the girls in general were a bit wary, as they didn’t understand her, indeed she was a “him” to them, and with long hair and typical feminine ways, “he” was a very strange thing to them which they steered clear of whilst they went after the popular guys and wouldn’t even approach her as she was “the weird one”.  Vicky was reminded all too well of her horrible gender problems in PE, being forced to play sports she hated, and always got badly hurt in as someone took a nasty cheap-shot at her, kicking her or punching – anything to hurt emotionally and physically was deemed appropriate.  The teachers knew it went on, they tried to stop her suffering but they were ignored largely.  She wasn’t the only one to be picked on, a boy called George was also horrifically picked on, and all Vicky could do when she saw it was freeze as it would usually end up the two of them getting horribly beaten up together.  The worst was just after her twelfth birthday in July, two weeks before the end of her first year at secondary school.  She decided often to stay behind in the library for half an hour, just to read about the things she enjoyed, cooking, drawing, stamp collecting and anything that she felt absorbed by.  This was enjoyable for her; and meant she could leave after the boys had gone home so she could walk home without taunts or being hit.


One day though, a Friday, she left the library with a book for her History homework and feeling quite happy, she walked the same way out of school as ever, past the girl’s toilets, out through the archway, and past the bikeshed, and just as she walked past the bikeshed, three boys stepped out in front of her.  They pushed her around calling her names and they heckled

“What can you do to let us let you go huh sissy?”

“Yeah, because we want something good or else!”

“But I just want to go home for the weekend” whimpered Vicky

“Oh so now your crying now, pussy!!!” heckled one of the boys

“I just don’t want to be trouble, please can I go home?” pleaded Vicky as they encircled her…

They walked her behind the bikeshed appear all sweet, but Vicky sensed danger, and as she tried to run away, they tripped her up on the tarmac and kicked her on the ground, and picked her up and punched her arms and stomach with such violence it was distressing for the poor girl to go through such a thing.  She screamed and cried and a teacher’s voice came yelling from the school entrance towards the bike shed shouting at the boys to put her down, she ran like the wind back home howling tears, opened the door with the key she had and ran to Emily’s room hoping she would be there.  She cried and cried and cried, Emily came back from school moments later and saw Vicky in a very bruised and battered heap on the floor, she dropped her bags and ran towards her to see what was wrong and to console her badly shaken and distressed sister, and she cried inside for how people could be so nasty to her sister.  She didn’t understand the feelings entirely, she wept inside of how people could permit this brutal behaviour towards those who were different from the ‘norm’, and how awful her sister’s suffering was.  She consoled Vicky and wiped her face with a tissue, undressed her, put some of her clothes on, cleaned up her cuts and put plasters on them.  They sat huddled in the corner of the room with Vicky saying what had happened and Emily cuddling her and crying why anyone could be so nasty to her big sister, it was all because she appeared to everyone else like a feminine boy, and femininity in men was a bad thing, for no good reason.  Mum called them down for tea, and Vicky crept down wondering how to explain her cuts and bruises and her black eye.  Mum noticed immediately and yelped.

“What on earth has happened to you!?” she frantically asked

“It was Rugby in PE” Vicky quivered

“But I thought that finished ages ago?  And how come you always get hurt?” her mum asked feeling a little sceptical, Vicky could only muster a little whimper

“I’m just, extremely, unlucky”


Chapter Three

It was not long into Vicky’s second year at secondary school, by now twelve years old, she dreaded going back to school, not for her studies but the people who made her life so unbearable at times.  She never had a prominent profile but she always made an extra effort and as such received certificates and work credits, however in the new term she felt apathetic to the work more than anything wondering if there was ever any point.  After all if she could never be who she really was, there was no point in her eyes.  Such a sad thing to have happened to someone with so much potential.  Also at home things were far more strained, she felt as if her and Emily were beginning to grow apart as Emily found her own interests outside of the home; but they still got on so well.  Vicky kept her attendance up at school though, some mornings especially on Mondays she would feel so awful about going she would fake sickness, just for a day or two to get away from the bullies; but often her parents were firm insisting she went, even when she was genuinely ill, but she had faked it so many times by then!

She still got good grades, but she didn’t try too hard, she got picked on just the same as she always did no matter how she tried to get the horrible individuals off of her back.  At this time, it was cold and it was winter, she would hide away in the library at break and lunchtime reading anything as per usual that took her fancy.  But her growing isolation and ever deepening gender issues, began to prompt her to look for ‘answers’.  The library at the school was actually rather good, and she found they had a section on things dealing with society, and sexuality.  She was very intelligent for her age, but despite this she still found it hard to understand the books.  In order to read these books she often found that a bigger book was required to hide the often much smaller books on sexuality inside so that no one knew what she was reading.  She could not afford to be seen reading books on homosexuality when she was already being taunted over being gay heavily; and if people found out she was reading such a book, they would have pounced on her and have hugely intensified the homosexual taunts.  She had her own doubts too, maybe she was just a very feminine homosexual man?  But she never felt that way, she never felt she was gay, if she was gay – that would mean she was a lesbian, in her mind she was just your average heterosexual girl.

During a week in December, the library was closed for refurbishment as though its collection was diverse and very well stocked, it was a bit drab and in need of a lick of paint.  Unfortunately for Vicky she hated the cold, and it was a bitter winter.  She only knew it all too well as she was often forced to do PE when she didn’t have a sick note as she quite often had, she detested it.  She found that in Rugby and Football (that she could not stand) people deliberately hurt her, and because she was never very good at catching she was taunted at and shouted at for dropping a ball – and this was from her PE instructors too.  Once she was on the pitch as the instructor got so fed up with her she burst into tears as he shouted in her face, and all sorts of taunts and heckling ensued, she was an emotional carnage being pushed ever closer to the brink. 

As the library was closed, Vicky had to sit outside in the cold as she sometimes found cruelly her coat had been hidden over lunch hours only to be put back when lunchtime’s finished, she dared not say anything and shivered in the cold; sitting on the ground reading a book she would bring in from home, every lunchtime the same lads picked on her and said the same taunts that you would believe you would become tired off and desensitised to, for Vicky, being such a sensitive soul, that never was the case and she often welled up when the heckling and abuse came forth and it never stopped.  After the incident by the bike shed, she thankfully hadn’t suffered such a beating in around six months, but still she had no hope it had stopped for good.


As she read up more and more on the books in the library she found a book on sexual identity, it turned out it was written by a psychologist many years ago as it was an old dusty tome.  She read it with fervour as she found it dealt with gender, and in the book she read with such eager anticipation; she found out she was not alone, there were other girls in boy’s bodies.  Also to her surprise she never really thought there could be boys trapped in girl’s bodies but it made so much sense that it happened to boys!  She read and read until she read the words which were what she was technically know as, a “male to female transsexual”.  She could not believe it, the relief this afforded her no matter how short lived was immense relief to know she was not alone with her problems.  She ran home that day smiling for the first time in an age, and Emily was in her room brushing her hair as she had got in from school and changed.  Vicky ran up to her and told her the good news, Emily understood what Vicky was saying, sure she did not understand why her sister was called such a long winded name by the medical profession, but she gave her sister a great big tearful hug and she said to her,

“Since we know this now we know it will be possible for you to be corrected, yes?”

“I know, I know, it’s fantastic!  I want to be put right tomorrow, but I know it won’t happen” sighed Vicky.

“But in time sis, it will, won’t it?” Emily smiled as looked her sister in the eye and saw they both were crying a bit.

“I really do hope so honey” Vicky said back with an essence of her glumness that was plaguing her life.

“It will and I will be there for you” Emily said as she reached out for Vicky to hug her and they cried together.  At last they had some good news, and for Vicky her sister as ever was such a dear source of inspiration and love.

Life was also physically becoming much more stressful, she began to notice changes in her, and she had long tried to hide the fact other girls had already started developing in the normal female way a few years ago, she never really believed that as she got older she would start to develop correctly, but that never stopped her childhood prayers she so often held all of her trust in.  But she knew as she saw girls developing, their breasts and their shape changing and their faces remaining clear and feminine, she began to see her face change as it drooped from the stress of life and also the wrong puberty beginning to attack.  She had a very high pitched voice as well, higher than most other girls, but she never really expected the first of the worst things to happen, she turned thirteen in July, at the end of year eight and began to notice her voice faltering, and becoming like her dad’s voice, deep and booming, not graceful or sweet or a reflection of the soul inside.  She noticed herself getting taller, she was always short for someone who appeared to be a boy; and this only added to her being an easy target, but so quickly she grew whilst she saw other girls not shooting up as fast; she feared that she was fast becoming like her dad and would be far too tall, by the age of thirteen Vicky was 5’4″, only an inch shorter than her mum, and much taller than Emily who was so small and petite, but then she was only ten.  But for Vicky this brought further anguish and even envy, as she saw her beloved sister begin to change and develop normally, and see she was happy that her femininity was being established.

But this was not the worst, as time progressed, and as Vicky began year nine, she was thoroughly depressed, she was suffering just as much verbal abuse and being beaten up on a monotonous regularity, held in headlocks and punched in the stomach, footballs kicked at her, and being shoved around and tripped up.  Once again she found herself being kicked to the floor and suffering from bloody noses and bruises and deep pain, physically and emotionally.  She felt totally abused by others and by her own body, she had facial hair starting to grow and the pain was so much initially she was stunned that such a thing should happen to her, and typically for her she was one of the first ones to get facial hair and suffered taunts of “ape” and “monkey”.  She gave up most times on her appearance and did not care for how she looked.  Her voice had dropped as its low sullen nature perhaps showed how she felt, her delightful friendly voice, was replaced by a monotone drone.  It could not escape her attention however that her nose seemed to be getting bigger like her dad’s nose, and she wanted her smaller petite nose back, she wanted her smaller graceful body back, but the shoulders broadened and her pelvis remained narrow like boy’s pelvis’ were, unlike her sister’s and other girls.  Most of all, all she ever wanted when she was younger was the hope one day she could bear children and have babies, but she knew it would never happen – probably, and that the disfiguring parasite that was her wretched penis was getting bigger when all she wanted was for it to disappear.  It was no wonder that she was soon on anti-depressants; and nobody but her and Emily knew why.


Emily sensed the seemingly unstoppable downward spiral Vicky was falling into – she was by this time 15 and in year ten and Emily had just started secondary school too aged eleven.  She couldn’t help but notice that her sister’s dark foul mood swings and reclusiveness were driving a wedge between the two of them when it shouldn’t be that way.  The two sisters had been close to each other for all their lives.  After all, Emily only had to look at some of the photos around the house to see herself being held in Vicky’s arms when she was a baby and many more of the two girls.  They had been that close for so long, from the beginning really.  Emily knocked on Vicky’s door, as for evenings on end she hid away in her room, after school playing on her computer to try and amuse herself.  As well as her usual reading and drawing, and writing about her frustrations, which seemingly never ended and could neither be satisfactorily explained.

“Vicky, it’s Emily!” she knocked

“Yes…” Vicky prompted and Emily walked in

“I have noticed for a very long time you seem to be getting more and more depressed with yourself, are you OK?” asked Emily, though asking Vicky if she was alright was a silly question.

“Yes, I’m fine as usual…” sighed Vicky as she turned her chair around and put her drawing pencil and pad down, and she frowned and looked at the ground

“…actually I’m not alright, I haven’t talked to you in ages about my problems because I don’t want to bore you, anyway you have your own life to get on with” said Vicky in her usual self critical manner.

“Look” Emily said as she shut Vicky’s door “I have been looking at those photos of you and me when I was a little baby and toddler and how you looked at after me, now it’s my duty to look after you now in your time of need”  said Emily firmly knowing her sister would try and say she wasn’t in need of help but really was.

“You don’t owe me anything, I did it because I love you” Vicky said with a little smile as she thought back to the days of singing to Emily in her cot as she snoozed.

“And I’m going to help you because I love you too” Emily said putting her hands on her hips and grinning in a statement of firmness.

The two girls went into Emily’s room where Vicky started mouthing off about everything she hated about herself, and she was very scared of getting taller still, she was 5’5″ but already short for a ‘boy’; as most boys were taller than her, though she was one of the taller girls in her year, she feared that she would soon shoot up to six feet tall and loose all sense of gracefulness, something her voice had taken no sympathy over.  Emily sat beside her on the bed with an arm over her shoulder as Vicky poured out all of her self hate and tears, and Emily could not believe that such a cruel twist of fate should ever have been afforded to her dear sister. 

“Look, you may not look like you want to, or how you used to, but I can help you look right again” Emily smiled trying to give Vicky some hope

“But I can’t look like it all the time can I, when I step out of this room, downstairs, at school or if I dare go outside, I have to take off everything and look horrible again, I don’t even talk like girls now, nothing is right”

“But I can help you with that too, you need to say something to mum and dad before you do some serious harm” Emily said with deep concern

“I almost have on many occasions, wanting to, well you know, end it”.  On saying this Vicky burst into tears again, Emily jumped off the bed and in anger almost she yelped

“Don’t you ever, ever, try doing something like it again, I want you as my sister and I’m not going…” Emily paused, held back as the shock turned back into understanding as she sat back on the bed and hugged Vicky and gave her a kiss on her cheek. “Just don’t do anything, we all love you too much!”

Emily had recently started wearing makeup sometimes, not much, but a sign of children losing their innocence much earlier than perhaps in past years, but then – she was just as bad as Vicky was at her age, looking at all the boys and having the odd crush or two!  She sat Vicky down, and combed her ragged long hair

“You should look after your hair better, it could be really nice but it looks yucky!” Emily frowned

“I know, but I never see the point” sighed Vicky

Emily made best of the unkempt hair, and combed it straight and it did look quite a lot better, but it needed a really good wash.  She then asked Vicky if she had ever tried using makeup.

“I have, but I can’t get it right, no one has shown me properly” answered Vicky

“Ok it’s simple, just take your time at first, you’ll get quicker and soon have it fine” Emily said reassuringly only to feel her sister’s cheek and chin

“Hmm, you should shave off this hair, it’s spiky, I don’t mean that nastily but you need to get rid of it to look like a girl again honey!” Emily said, and Vicky stooped off to her room, grabbed the cursed facial shaver and dumped it on Emily’s dresser.  Emily picked it up and gave Vicky a shave, which was a very humiliating thing for Vicky, she should never have to do such a thing.  Emily looked at her face and pulled a few items from her small makeup box, and looked at her sister’s face with an artist’s fervour, both of the girls after all had some talent in the arts.  She pulled out a lilac eyeshadow and her black eyeliner pencil, a black mascara and as Vicky’s skin was pale, a rosy blusher and some Vaseline to make her lips glossy.  She applied each item one by one and instructing Vicky to close her eyes at points as she applied the makeup with a sense of eagerness to see her sister for real.  Vicky quipped that she had got the hang of most things, but had difficulty using the eyeliner and not prodding her nose with the mascara wand.  She always got upset when she tried herself and made a mess, as she could either just laugh at herself or just cry with feelings of  “I can’t ever be a girl, I can’t even do simple girl things”.

Vicky saw her face take shape and a smile began to emerge as as Emily leant out of the way as she made her final movements with her blusher brush, she moved her head out of the way from the dresser window and Vicky saw a pretty face she had not seen for so long and she began to weep with happiness. 

“Don’t start crying, the mascara will run!” joked Emily

“Hehe, I know, I’m just so happy!” beamed Vicky looking at Emily as if she was a magician of special qualities

“Now, I will lend you one of my tops, you’ll have to wear your trousers as you’re a bit too tall for mine and your trainers” said Emily reaching into her wardrobe

“I wish I had trainers like you have, they’re so much nicer than my grubby black ones” said Vicky looking at Emily’s baby blue slip on trainers and adorable pink lace ups, as Vicky remembered the envy she had for the other girls when she was at primary school and seeing some girls in PE with cute pink trainers.   She fetched her trainers and her best jeans and walked back into Emily’s room, not in a hurry, she didn’t even think about James or her mum and dad seeing her with make-up on, it just seemed normal to her.

“Do you want a plain white top, or there is pink, pale yellow or baby blue Vicky?” asked Emily waving four colourful strappy tops, two with embroidered patterns, one with a cute cartoon flower and the other was just the plain pink top.  Since pink was one of Vicky’s favourite colours and one that was a strict taboo she could not wear usually, she picked the pink top and being careful not to ruin Emily’s efforts with her hair as she slid the top on. She grabbed Emily’s hair brush to tidy her hair and looked in the portrait mirror adoring Emily’s wardrobe.

“I can’t believe it Emily!” gasped Vicky in shock

“I know, you look fab girl!” smiled Emily seeing the huge positive impact the makeover had on her sister

“Thanks so much sis, I love you so much!” Vicky said still beaming, hands on hips swinging on the tips of her toes and wishing she could run out into the road like it.  But she still had her deep rotten voice, she thought of this and it hurt thinking about it, but she did not want it to ruin the moment!

“See you can look like a girl still” smiled Emily as she looked at Vicky, who wasn’t so desperately out of proportion as she had feared.

“I know Emily, but I just feel wrong” responded Vicky

“You know I am going to help you with all of that, you must tell mum and dad, you could be so much happier, look at you now!  They will understand, it just may be a huge shock!” Emily said with sincerity and hope her sister would say something soon

“I know, I know that all too well, I’d say something now but I am so scared” Vicky sighed and looked a bit glum

“I will help you tell them, and I mean soon…” said Emily.  She had seen how happy her sister was seeing more of her real self in the mirror, but she knew the next day she would feel so down, what with school and the facial hair creeping back, the worry of if she could tell her parents, the various insults she was still getting. However thankfully this was with less intensity than in previous years and so many other things that brought her to her knees.  Thankfully Emily being young and naivem thought that perhaps, and correctly too, all those things could be overcome in time, it was this that made her pledge in her mind she would do everything she could for her sister.


Chapter Four

Vicky was in her final year at secondary school, with her GCSE exams coming up.  This was a very stressful period for her with all of the revision and coursework that was due in.  She worked hard though, and her mum and sister helped her where they could, but as ever Vicky was usually far more consumed by her gender issues.  She managed to concentrate well enough and her parents were pleased with her predicted grades, she was set to do well.  However the pressure was mounting heavily on her, the people who in previous years that had made her life so difficult had over time learnt that picking on her was not a productive idea, and besides they were all too consumed by their girlfriends.  They would still sometimes pass a comment when they saw Vicky with a few books to revise from as she left the library but much to Vicky’s relief they had eased right off.  Unfortunately the scars remained, and her physical appearance was forced to look masculine, and her sister’s persistence towards her saying “you must tell mum and dad!”.  This was constantly on her mind.

Vicky’s mum and dad were also getting worried about her lack of concentration as time passed on revision, they had high hopes for her GCSEs and for poor Vicky their pressure although it was well meaning; she began to get very stressed that yet again she wouldn’t live up to other people’s expectations.  One night two weeks before the start of her exams, she shut her bedroom door and laid on her bed crying her eyes out, nobody else was in, she was at the lowest she ever felt.  She had no friends, her parents were demanding seemingly more from her, her sister wasn’t around like she used to be, she looked horrible, she still had problems at school… It was just far to much for the poor girl to handle.  Sitting on her desk was a razor blade, she sat there, staring at it, looked away and around her room.  She took her jumper off, unbuttoned the cuffs on her shirt, and rolled her sleeves midway up her arms and picked up the razor blade, peered once more out of her bedroom window, it was a red sunset outside, she looked down and with the blade slashed her left hand wrist with the razor blade.  She made a shrill noise at the quick action and stinging pain, she looked at her wrist and blood at first seeped slowly from the cut, and before long she had her whole lower half of her right arm drenched in blood, she felt nothing anymore for herself or anyone else for that matter.  As she was deliberating slashing her other wrist to finalise her suicide attempt, she did not hear someone’s footsteps up the stairs, they were Emily’s footsteps.  She knocked on Vicky’s door and entered, Vicky was facing away from her as the window was opposite from her door, and as Emily entered

“Hey!”…. Emily entered just as Vicky had slashed her right-hand wrist as well she froze when she realised Emily was in her room.

“…we have Chinese tonight…” Emily paused as she saw Vicky was frozen rigid with her left hand clutching her right wrist in a rather peculiar manner.  As Emily walked around her bed to look at her, she at an instant saw Vicky’s by now very pale face and screamed, and being a very squeamish girl, passed out, collapsing on the floor as she saw her sister’s arms drenched in blood and dripping on to the carpet.  At an instant, Vicky’s mum and dad ran upstairs

“Emily, Emily!  Where are you… are you OK, where are you?” her mum yelled running up the steps, as she turned around she saw her daughter lying on Vicky’s carpet passed out, she ran into the room and by this time Vicky had also passed out on the bed, she screamed for her life seeing her two daughters (not that she knew she had two at this stage), one of whom was on the carpet and Vicky who was drenched in blood, Vicky’s dad then ran in and grasped her mum by the arms from behind and saw the distressing scene, immediately, he told her mum to phone for an ambulance, she was frozen, until her Dad shouted “GO!”.


Dad then ran over to the bed and saw a t-shirt lying on a chair near the bed, he tied it into a very tight knot around Vicky’s right hand wrist, and ran to her drawers, opened them up and grabbed another tshirt and did the same for her left wrist, he then placed Vicky on the floor and managed to revive her, her eyes just opened so slowly as if almost to say “Fuck, am I still here?”, Vicky’s dad quipped

“Are you alright?” a silly question by any stretch of imagination, her mum then ran back in the room and saw Emily stirring on the floor and tears pouring from her eyes as she aroused, she got up and ran to mum and grabbed her so hard pointing to the floor jibbering with sheer fear.

“Don’t worry honey he’s going to be OK” said Emily’s dad “You have phoned the ambulance Ellen?” he furthered asking their mum

“Y-, yes I have,  He will, will b-, be OK?  Oh m-, my, G-, god!  I wish they would bloody hurry up!  Why!  W-, what did w-, we d-, do Chris?!” Ellen exclaimed trying to get her words out, confused as seeing what she saw as her son on the floor, barely conscious and covered in blood, and almost innocently the offending razor blade sitting on Vicky’s duvet gleaming in the setting sun.  Barely moments later the sound of sirens could be heard, Chris picked up Vicky in his arms and walked carefully down the steps and Ellen and Emily rushed after him, and opened the front door.  The ambulanced screeched to a halt outside their house and the paramedics jumped out, opened the backdoors and pulled out a stretcher as a matter of urgency, Chris placed Vicky onto it, and quipped what had happened to the best of his knowledge

“He’s cut his wrists a-, and he’s barely conscious, do something!!!” as even he began to panic.

The paramedics rushed Vicky into the back of the ambulance wrapped her up to stop her getting too cold and fed drips into her to hopefully keep her conscious…. Ellen, Emily and Chris stood at the back of the ambulance clutching each other and the back doors slammed as the ambulance roared off.  Chris ran inside and grabbed the car keys, shut the front door and ran to the car, and they all got in and sped off to the local hospital…

After much commotion that evening, Vicky was returned to a stable state and conscious again but worn out, she lay in the hospital bed staring at the ceiling tiles and the stripped fluorescent lighting that lit the ward, to her side her Dad, Chris and Mum, Ellen, sat by her bedside waiting for her to say something to them.

“Son, we’re not angry” Chris sighed as he tried to cajole his ‘son’ into perhaps explaining events to them.  Ellen sat quietly occasionally peering up at Chris, but mostly fixated on Vicky whilst resting her head or her husband’s nearby shoulder.  Emily returned from the coffee machine, it was dark and 9pm almost, the TV in the ward was on, showing some drama, but a faint mumbling in the background was all its output in amongst the coughs and the occasional patter of footsteps on the corridors from the doctors and nurses.  Emily passed the coffee to her mum and dad and sat down with her bottle of water and all three frowned staring at the silent creature laid on the bed, Ellen sighed – tired from an evening that should have been like any other except a bit more special.  Emily sipped the water slowly peering up at the wall clock all too often, not before long Vicky’s brother James appeared on the ward, he had been playing an away match for his local football team and rushed back as quick as possible to the hospital on hearing the tragic news.

“Is he alright?” James asked

“He’s stable, but not saying anything to us at all” responded Chris sounding less than hopeful, and unaware Vicky could hear every word and the reason she was in that bed, was because she was still him, he, a son, a brother, when all she wanted was to say “Actually, no I’m not that at all!” but she didn’t feel angry at all.  Angry her suicide attempt failed?  Not at all, she already was regretting it, and saw how much her family loved her with their patience waiting and sitting by her bedside.  She was thinking long and hard and realised that more than anything in the world she had to say something, soon, preferably promise to tell her parents the reasons for her suicide attempt on getting back home.  Emily knew full well why her sister had done what she had, but she was both deeply hurt her sister did not even say anything to her to suggest she was very depressed, and on the second count, that she was so low and had sunk to the depths of wanting to end her suffering.  Vicky laid silent, a thousand thoughts every second all spinning around her head in no order and with no sense.  She rolled onto her side away from her family…

“I’m Sorry” she managed to creep out from her previously solemn lips, Ellen jumped up and immediately shouted,

“How can you be sorry, trying to” she could not muster the words but continued “We love you, don’t you know….”

“Ellen, calm down, he’s still in shock, we do not know what is wrong, the last thing he needs now is you screaming at him making him feel worse” Chris said as he jumped up too and stood in front of Ellen, hands on her shoulders.  Ellen looked down, and bit her lip softly with regret

“I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean that, I’m just, just too lost for words” Ellen said, reeling back, there was a pause

“I still love you all, I always will” Vicky muttered further, she rolled over and looked everyone and smiled as best as she could, she wanted to cry, but male hormones in her would not let her, a feeling she knew all to often, her mind told her body to do things it would not respond to…  She reached her hand out to her mum just to touch her, and that drew her in and the two hugged dearly, though for Vicky’s mum and dad many questions remained unanswered, James sat equally as flummoxed but Emily could only try and pretend she didn’t know the reasons when Vicky was asked “Why?”, she could manage the occasional uncomfortable smile whilst looking at Vicky…

Two days passed and Vicky was discharged from hospital, and was back at home again, her wounds had started to heal very well, although she was very exhausted from the ordeal, as was everybody in the family, Ellen wrote a note to the school which was a blatant lie, but she wrote that Vicky had tonsillitis and would be off until next week, at least, there was no way that she could tell the school that in her eyes, her son had cut his wrists.  Emily took it into school with her, and that day Vicky stayed upstairs until the end of school working on History coursework, a subject in which she enjoyed a lot, especially the topic of the Cold War which absorbed her.  Ellen occasionally yelled up to Vicky to say there was a cup of tea made, or that it was lunch, usually Vicky would talk to her mum in the day over a morning coffee, but the recent events had made that impossible.  She had one thing on her mind, she had to say something to her parents and her brother James too.  At least she knew from the very unpleasant suicide attempt that she did truly love her family, and they had not in any way deserved her to commit suicide.  With that in mind, she also knew if she didn’t do something soon, she could try again, and maybe then succeed, and then it would be too late for regrets.  She did not want that to happen at all.  She waited eagerly until Emily came back home, she went to her room and laid on her bed waiting.

At around quarter to four, Vicky heard the door open as she gazed at Emily’s ceiling and various posters of handsome men and at least managing a smile for them.  It was Emily, she was downstairs for a while until Vicky heard her ask mum where she was, she came upstairs shortly afterwards, entered her room to get changed and there was Vicky lying on her side towards her, Emily rushed over to her

“Are you alright” she asked.

“I’m, fine, ish, well…” Vicky replied hesitantly.

“So what’s wrong now?” Emily sighed as she sat down on her dresser stool.

“I, well, I’ve been thinking, and well…” Vicky uttered slowly

“What?” said Emily leaning forward intrigued by what her sister was going to say

“I, want to tell everyone” Vicky replied.

“Tell them what Vicky?” Emily asked, then realising her door was open!  She closed the door.

“Tell them, about, everything” answered Vicky.

“Ahh…” paused Emily “….ok, well, you know I think you should, do you really mean this, you mean you aren’t going to bottle out?” Emily asked, trying not to pressure her sister who had only been out of hospital a matter of days.

“No.  I am not going to bottle out, but can you help me please?” said Vicky looking at her sister deep in the eyes, and by now sitting up.

“Of course I will sweetie” smiled Emily.  The two hugged very dearly and even some tears fell, they drew back and Vicky smiled at Emily again, comfortably with tears running from her eyes, the way they should when she felt emotional, she wiped them, and blew her nose on one of of Emily’s tissues, all of a sudden, Emily said to her

“..come on lets work things out, I want to have my sister soon!” she joked but with an essence of truth in it.  The two girls giggled and began to quietly work out what to try and say, and when.

Chapter Five

Ellen called for dinner a couple of hours later, and the two girls went downstairs and sat at the table, occasionally glancing at each other for reassuring looks, Vicky was absolutely petrified, this could be the moment she would be thrown on the streets, abandoned, with no family, no friends, nobody – but she had nothing to loose in her eyes, but she did have Emily definitely on her side. 

“I have something to tell you all, err, after dinner” mumbled Vicky out of the blue, Ellen’s ears pricked up at an instant over the sound of a voice in between the clatter of cutlery on plates and such like, she paused as she finished her mouthful and said

“Oh?  What is it honey?” Ellen asked promptly but trying not to sound like she was jumping down Vicky’s throat

“She said after dinner mum” Emily replied firmly to Ellen

“So you know something” Ellen answered back.  There was no answer for a few seconds, until Vicky perked up again and quite placidly rather than getting annoyed,

“After dinner, please?” she sighed, Ellen frowned and also sighed and returned to eat her dinner in a half hearted manner, she had lost her appetite with recent events, Chris and James just remained silent not wishing to stir the fragile nature of the evenings of late.  Nothing was said at the table, except for who wanted pudding and nobody did.  So they sat quietly by now Vicky was clutching Emily’s hand under the table quite hard for reassurance.

Chris took control of the situation and said

“Would you rather talk about this here or in the front room son?” he asked innocently enough, not realising his choice of last word was, not very apt.

“Ok, that would be better” said Vicky

“I’ll make tea” said Ellen “and then you can tell us all together what is so wrong honey” she continued.  Ellen made a pot of tea, placed it on the tray, five mugs and a milk jug.  And carried it into the front room where everyone was sitting, Chris looking at the local paper that had come through, James reading his car magazine and Vicky and Emily on the sofa whispering and keeping each other’s spirits up.  Ellen poured the tea, but left it on the tea table, taking hers in hand and sitting in one of the armchairs, she sat down for the last time on that seat seeing a son and a daughter on the sofa, Chris read the paper, also seeing a son and a daughter, and likewise James saw his brother and sister, perhaps for the last time.

Chris closed the paper, folded it up and took his mug of tea and quietly asked after a sip of refreshing tea

“So son, why have you been so depressed, what do you want to tell us?” he said

“We don’t mind, we just want to know so we can help you honey” Ellen continued.  There was a long uncomfortable pause, Vicky took her tea too and sat back in the sofa, she put the mug down after a sip, put her hand on Emily’s and then very slowly, painfully, began to mutter some words

“Emily, she knows about this – already.  And, err, well she has known since she was seven, and I have erm, err. well.  I have known since I was err four” Vicky painfully began

“Is it because you think you are gay?”, Ellen asked, because she had wondered for a long time about this and was literally waited a long time for her chance to ask.  She apologised for immediate jumping at her with her question and Vicky began to continue…

“Mum…. you are kinda, well not really right, but erm, well”, Vicky paused and bit her lip in trepidation “you are right, I do like men, yes.  But it’s erm, errr, it’s err…” Emily clenched Vicky’s hand harder “…I’m not gay, I’ve known since I was four, that, err…” Vicky paused again, shaking with fear “I’m a girl.”  Immediately Emily hugged her poor sister so hard any air still left in her lungs was pushed out, and a very uncomfortable silence descended for what seemed like hours, but was only a few seconds.

Ellen gasped “A girl!?” she paused and then continued “you mean you think you are a girl!” repeating herself, Vicky jumped in saying

“I don’t think I am, I know I am, I’m not gay mum, I’m transsexual” she uttered, bursting into tears, Emily hugged her again and said rather rashly

“Well I always will love her, no matter what, and she is my sister.”  Emily did not realise that her parents had about twenty seconds to take this in, and she had five years of taking it in

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, just, care” Emily apologised realising her statement though valid and meaningful was not not very much help at that instant.


Twenty minutes had past, with various comments, some that were constructive, some that were based upon confusion, however Chris and Ellen were very careful not to get irate even if they felt it, they didn’t want to find their son. no hang on, daughter now (although the thought past their minds, they were no where near ready to accept that this may be the case), lying on her bed, dead from another suicide attempt, they tried hard to take it all in.  The theme running through it all was a fair amount on sex and her liking for boys, them probing it wasn’t some fetish, or being Gay.  Her parents had combined a number of messages from the media, and images and got very confused.  They were just totally taken aside by the news that their daughter had told them, they probed Emily from time to time and wondering how she could have known from the age of four even!  They had not even begun to rationalise.  After a few hours heated debate, her parents though wildly confused, agreed they would have to ‘do something’ about this and they couldn’t ignore it, and that they should help.  After all in their eyes, this could change?  Couldn’t it?  Their son, or rather daughter’s feminine feelings or being could subside and turn out to be gay, which wasn’t a problem really, just they did not expect their first born to be having boyfriends!  Mind you, nor did they expect their first born, a son, to be a girl either.  The debate was getting a bit heated after about two hours and Chris said that it would be a good idea to cool it off a bit and perhaps try to be a bit more rational, but that would take a few days and even then acceptance was many weeks away of the situation, and acceptance of their new daughter would take a lot longer still.

Emily stood close by Vicky; as they went to bed that night after many hours of rather heated exchanges, but the situation was controlled in order not to cause upset to Vicky’s evidently fragile situation.  She and Emily had explained she had felt this way ever since self awareness set in, by the age of four and had suffered tireless bullying at school, for her natural femininity and behaviour.  She went through everything, trying to express her deep distress at having the wrong body, not being able to let herself out properly, the way she looked, everything, even to the fact that it wasn’t that she was single and always had been, it was because if she did have a boyfriend, people would ridicule even more at her tender age, and it wouldn’t be right anyway.  And to try hiding it all, to try and be what everyone else wants… she just referred to the events of the past few days.

“Well, son, I think it’s late and that we should try to get some sleep, otherwise we may end up arguing” said Chris, obviously still not seeing his son as his daughter, not unusual that either!

“We just wish you said something before now honey!” exclaimed Ellen still in shock, though more affected by the horror stories which Vicky had experienced at school she began to sob a bit and Vicky got up to give her a big hug.

“I know it’s not alright, but I just want you to know I sincerely mean I love you, I don’t want to leave you, I just need help!” Vicky said trying to be as honest and understanding as she could

“I know honey, I’m just, shocked…” sniffed Ellen.

Emily and Vicky stayed downstairs, as they had another cup of tea together in quiet, whilst the other three went to bed solemn and shocked, and not quite believing the week’s events, first the suicide attempt and now this their “son” saying “he” is a girl.  However it hadn’t gone too bad, firstly Vicky wasn’t now sitting on the streets, sure the situation was uncomfortable, but it was the biggest relief for Vicky that she would probably ever experience in her life, she just could not believe she had finally said it all, there was more to come, did this actually mean that one day, she would actually be able to walk out of the house and be called Vicky by everyone and be herself, buy clothes she liked, do the things she liked, and be able to have a boyfriend too…. The moment of euphoria was soon relaxed when it set in just how far away that still was, but if anything, she was now closer than ever before.

“So do you feel better” asked Emily

“A lot, a lot lot better” Vicky said with some relief as she took another sip of tea

“Don’t worry about things, they will take time now, but mum and dad aren’t going to kick you out!” Emily reassured her sister

“I sure hope not!” Vicky blurted out back at the thought

“Well you’re still here on the sofa with me!” Emily smiled back.

“Yeah, I suppose I am” Vicky smiled “…do you think mum and dad will ever understand?” she then asked

“Yes, and they probably will a lot sooner than you think” Emily said with some hope

“I hope so” Vicky sighed as she held the mug against her chest to keep her warm.

“They will, they will see the truth soon enough sis”, Emily said, still smiling that she could now call her sister, sister openly and maybe even Vicky in time, because she did not want to upset her parents and James too early on.

“Can I have a hug” asked Vicky also smiling, they put their tea down and gave each other the biggest hug anyone could have ever imagined.  They walked upstairs to their bedrooms, and hugged again and kissed each other good-night.

“Night sis, love you” Emily said as she opened her bedroom door,

“Love you too honey!” said Vicky as she stepped in her room.  She shut her door and turned her bedside lamp on, and turned off the bright main bedroom light, she sat looking out of her window, it was dark but she could see the stars twinkling in the heavens and the still life outside, something evoked beauty in that alone as she looked at the fabric of everyday life, and within a few seconds of looking around her room, at the cuddly toys and picking up her favourite teddy, she held it close, looked at the stars again and began to sob tears of sheer joy, euphoria, relief…. and at last happiness.

Things were going to be alright from now on for this girl.


Chapter Six

Two weeks slowly passed by and by this time Vicky had started on her GCSEs, everybody at school believed she had been off with tonsillitis, despite her wrists having bandages on them for a few days, besides this though, Vicky considering her exams had started was feeling a lot better having got her secrets out in the open with her family; and they had begun to feel somewhat more ready to take in the various news that was still seeping out and ask questions.  Even better still was the fact her mum and dad had begun to think rationally and recollect, and they didn’t have any grounds to really dispute her claim, her behaviour when she was younger, her playmates, her toy preferences and her sometimes odd behaviour around boys in an almost flirty way was evidence hard for them to ignore.  The shock had began to ease slightly as they saw their daughter, or as they were still calling her, their son, felt a lot better about herself, and seemed a lot more liberated and happier in general, a greater understanding began to develop.  One night Vicky was in the bath and Ellen came in, she just wanted to ask Vicky something that had begun to nag her, she was curious about what her ‘son’ had wanted to be called.  Of course in Vicky’s earlier years just as boys and girls ask alike, she did ask what her name would have been had she been a girl, they had decided on Louise, but Vicky didn’t really feel that was her name as by that time she had called herself Vicky in her heart!

“Is it okay if I ask you something?” said Ellen as she came in the bathroom, and the way her ‘son’ acted when someone walked into the bathroom began to make some real sense, ‘he’ in her eyes always jumped and covered himself up, as if there was something ‘he’ was ashamed of, of course – there really was!

“Yes…” said Vicky tentatively feeling vulnerable in the bath

“Well… I’ve been wondering what you want to be called honey?” she asked

“Err, well, I have always wanted to be called Victoria” she said with a smile emerging on her face as she said her name “I decided on it when I was seven or so, I went around all my friends at the time and their names, and I decided Vicky was the name I liked most” she said feeling at ease talking about it “I know I asked you when I was about that age what you wanted to call me” she continued

“Yes, I remember” Ellen responded

“Well I didn’t really feel that Louise was the name for  me, as I loved Victoria so much!” Vicky said hoping she wouldn’t upset her mother, however there was a big surprise awaiting her.

“Well, it’s funny you should have decided on Victoria” Ellen responded with a smile on her face

“Why?” Vicky asked rather concerned

“Well, back when me and your dad were deciding on names for you, I had decided on a name I wanted you to be called if you were a girl” Ellen explained

“What did you decide on” pestered Vicky intrigued to hear the answer

“Well, your dad disagreed with my final choice saying it was too posh, but I really wanted you, if you were a girl, to be called, Victoria!” she exclaimed with a little chuckle

“Really?!” said Vicky slightly shocked

“Yes, really!” Ellen smiled

“Wow, maybe it got it got into my heart mum and touched me so much I clung on to it for so long when I was a baby in you!” beamed Vicky feeling a sense of acceptance from her mum

“Maybe it did” said Ellen

“But I will have Louise as my middle name name, just out of respect for you and dad” Vicky explained

“You don’t have to honey, but it’s your choice” Ellen remarked, it was the perfect moment for a hug, but with Vicky covered in soapy water and Ellen remembering,

“Oh my god!  Just remembered the cake in the oven darling!  I better go and rescue it!” Ellen said as she gave Vicky a quick kiss and dashed out the bathroom and down the stairs.  Vicky laid back in the bath, feeling good and smiling broadly about her mother’s news.

Vicky’s exams were passing quite well and she was pleased with how she was doing; especially with the subjects she struggled with being Science and Maths, but she felt good about them, and the environment at home was getting better.  Emily was speaking to mum on the Friday before half term started when Vicky was upstairs having an afternoon nap (she was tired from all the exams) and Emily asked her a pertinent question.

“I was talking to, well you know and she told me you had both spoken about names” said Emily, trying not to say the name she felt mum and dad would still be uncomfortable calling their ‘son’

“Yes, we have, a week ago” Ellen said as she washed some dishes up.

“Mum, I was wondering if…” Emily paused in awkwardness

“What?  You can go to the cinema with friends?” Ellen said turning around taking off her marigolds.

“No, if you have a problem me calling, her, well her, and she and Vicky!” Ellen walked over to the kettle and poured the water into a the teapot, stirred the water and popped the tea-cosy over the teapot, and sat down on one of the kitchen stools.

“Me and your dad aren’t quite ready for us to call him, or, well I suppose her that yet honey.  And, well we may feel really awkward with you doing so, I expect having known for so long you can’t wait to have a sister?” smiled Ellen.

“I have had a sister for all my life mum…” Emily paused “…but I just wish I could call her name properly in public” she finished.

“Emily, sweetheart, I know you do, but we have to be careful because Vicky is still doing exams, and we don’t want anyone finding out and disrupting that, and the neighbours don’t even know yet honey, me and your dad will have to sort that out soon honey, just give us time” Ellen said holding her arms out to hug her daughter, and Emily snuggled in and with her simple eloquence as ever said

“I’m just glad you still love her”

“We always will will Emily, nothing will change that” Ellen said, she offered Emily a cup of tea as she poured one for herself, and the two sat downstairs chatting through the pertinent issues.  Like “when will you tell the neighbours?” and all the pressing issues and even asking “when do you think you will be able to call her. her and call her Vicky?” – of course Ellen wasn’t too sure, she along with Chris and James had all agreed that there was not much to dispute her claim of being female with all their recollection.  Vicky came down the stairs and towards the kitchen and switched on the kettle for a cup of coffee and innocently asked

“So what have you girls been talking about?”

“Oh, just girl’s things!  I’m sure you know honey” smiled Ellen looking at Emily.

“I’m sure I do” Vicky said switching on the kettle.

Time progressed quickly, and Vicky finished her exams by the second week of June, it was at this point Chris and Ellen had decided to see the school, so they could be informed of the situation as it stood, and they had decided it was time the neighbours knew as well what would be happening.  In the past three weeks their had been even more chat, even more on how Vicky was so certain of being female, and how she needed to be allowed to live properly.  She had told them all about the severe abuse she faced day to day, and how much distress her body gave her at times, she said that she had experimented with makeup and dressing in more feminine clothes and was actually quite pleased with the results that alone afforded her.

“When I say dress, I just mean baggy trousers and sporty clothes and things like that, stuff that has nice bright colours.  So don’t think I want to wear all manner of obscure clothing!” explained Vicky

“How do you know what you like, surely Emily’s clothes don’t fit you, even though you are quite small, all things considered!” said Chris inquisitively still conjuring up various images of his ‘son’ in some whacky dress.

“I just do, I see what other girls wear and I would like to be able to also wear the clothes that they do, rather than all this black and navy blue all the time!” Vicky said continuing, she was trying to hint at her parents to ask her if they could see her after she had spent some time on herself making herself look more to her liking.  But that wasn’t going to forthcoming.

“You do know mum and I spoke to our neighbours today don’t you?” asked Chris

“I do, but mum said she would talk about it later” responded Vicky

“Well, it went alright actually, Miss Hodgkins next door who has been here since we moved here said she had watched you and Emily grow up and how alike you were, and given she is seventy-four and understanding is very good.  So she has wished you all the best, she says she sometimes hears about it on the radio or in the newspapers” explained Ellen, a big smile came from Vicky when she saw other people accepting what she really was, Ellen began to continue

“We also spoke to the Jones’ next door, they don’t plan on telling little John as he is young still, and they were rather concerned as Philippa on the odd occasion had noticed you walk by with those horrible, well, black eyes you sometimes came home with.  But they too have wished you all the best honey, now what more could you want?” Ellen beamed reminding herself of the good news as she said it

“I don’t want anything from anybody really, I’m just more pleased for you and dad, and James not forgetting Emily – I’m just glad they are understanding for your sakes” said Vicky showing her understanding side that she, Emily and Ellen seemed to have.

“As such me and your dad have one question for you, don’t we?” said Ellen nudging Chris who was drifting off a bit!

“When were you thinking of, like… when do you want to change son?” asked Chris, still clinging onto the word ‘son’.  Vicky stayed silent thinking,

“Obviously now would be great… but it has to suit all of you, I was thinking the day Emily and James finish for school, and the day I have my last assembly, which would make that the end of July this year….” tailing off at the end of the sentence not wanting to sound too pushy or disrupting the calm and understanding atmosphere that had been around for a while.

Ellen and Chris began to think about it, amazingly they had been able to accept perhaps the inevitable so soon, they had so many questions about who to actually see for help in all of this, but their foremost pressing issue was at least trying to ease Vicky along gently at their pace which with all things considered having only known about Vicky’s gender issues, for under two months they were excellent to say the least.  Eventually Chris managed to say something to Vicky

“We’ll speak to Emily and James to see what they have to say first, but… we will see how things go ok?  We’re not saying no, or yes, but… we just need to discuss things”, Ellen acknowledged and she added “It’s just as hard on us as you understand honey, but we will help you whatever, just give us time and trust us”.

“I know, I know, I just get carried away sometimes, so I am sorry if I am going too fast, but well that’s just the way things are for me right now!” apologised Vicky.

“Don’t worry, it’s ok, you’re being fine, so no need to be sorry, ok?” reassured Chris. 

Little did Vicky know at that point what she had requested really was going to come true like all the daydreams, and a lifelong set of desires and needs were to be accepted fully, and to become a reality!

Later that evening, Vicky was listening to her music, she was very much into dance music as it made her feel good, sure it annoyed most of the household with the constant thud of a bass-drum, but it wasn’t intensely fast music, but then James did equalise if not beat Vicky on account of music, in so far as he played the electric guitar!  Emily however, was just a pop diva, but growing out of the boy band thing and catching on more and more to Vicky’s house music she played, and other stuff which she played.  Emily and Vicky were chatting how Vicky really wanted to have some turntables so she could start buying records and start mixing, just as an ardent rock fan may learn to play the guitar, the DJ’ing was the natural extension for Vicky.  She loved the music so much that on occasion her and Emily could be found on a quiet night when no one else was in just dancing away around the house listening and messing around.  This was definitely something that certainly would happen more and more as Vicky’s level of happiness increased by the day.  Ellen called Emily and James downstairs that evening to discuss with them what Vicky had talked about earlier, and how they felt.  Obviously, Emily was more than willing for her sister to ‘change’ whenever she liked and was very happy at the news.

“Mum, if you and dad let her, I know she will be so much happier!  You can’t have missed how she is these days!”, such intelligence from a twelve year old.  Ellen smiled and answered

“I know she…” Ellen paused for a split second, realising that she had begun to say ‘she’, unknown to all of them, Vicky was sitting on the stairwell listening in on the conversation, as soon as she heard her mum refer to her as ‘she’ her jaw dropped wide open, her eyes began to sparkle, and the broadest smile she probably ever mustered began to shine from her face.  Ellen continued not realising the impact her words had made “… well, yes, she has been a lot lot happier in the past month or so, me and your dad haven’t failed to notice that!  What do you think James?” she asked.  James looked up from his music book,

“What?” he said in typical ‘I wasn’t listening fashion’!

“James, look, now this is important, you have to pay attention” snapped Ellen quite infuriated

“Well, I am sooo sorry”, James evidently in one of teenage mood swings!

“What do you think about having another sister by the end of July”, Ellen trying to phrase it as best a possible, but this pleased Emily and also the eavesdropping Vicky outside!

“I don’t mind, she’s always been this way so different clothes won’t make much difference for me, and at least she will be happy with herself…” James tailed off as his book began to engage him again, he never had much to say really, it wasn’t because he didn’t care, but just purely because that was the way he was, such things didn’t bother him greatly, especially as even he could be accused of being  nasty and rough with Vicky when they were young.  The days when James would hide Vicky’s toys, and despite James being three years younger always seemed to get the better of her, until Vicky got so upset she would pull James’ curly hair (which he had at the time) and run to Ellen!    James began to read his book again, Vicky crept upstairs, Emily smiled and Ellen fell back into her seat, sighed and snuggled up to Chris, she needed some comfort, but she didn’t feel down, just in need of that hug!  When Emily and James had returned upstairs, to a roar of electric guitar riffs and Emily and Vicky trying to out do James by playing Emily’s pop music and just chatting away, Ellen turned around to Chris

“So what do you think honey?” she whimpered with a puppy look in her eyes.

“I don’t know sweetheart, it’s so difficult, I’m glad the kids seem OK though…” Chris said scrunching his lips and continued “…I wish there was some other way, but we have told the neighbours now, and school now also knows, I think with over a month still to go, I could be ready for it, I just don’t want to see him, or I suppose her – doing anything dangerous again!” said Chris with a rare moment of terror in his voice as his mind flashbacked to the moment when he found Vicky passed out, strewn helpless to the cruel world that pushed her to such means, a world that did not care for her as she was, he loved his child so dearly, that he could not bear such a tragedy to happen again.

“I know Chris, it’s just so difficult, I feel like I’m loosing someone”, Ellen began to weep a bit as she was huddled up with Chris on the sofa.

“Yes, I feel that too.  But, remember, we are gaining a daughter and hopefully a much happier and fulfilled person too, I hope.  I know you understand Ellen, and you have truly been fantastic with all of this, we all love you, mum” he smiled and kissed Ellen who by now was in tears and smiling at the same time, huddled up against Chris even more to feel safe from the world that had made life so unbearable up until recently for their newfound daughter.

“I love you too” Ellen said, as they snuggled up, listening to the noise of an electric guitar thrashing away, and the sound of house music thudding around, their household may have become quite unorthodox but deep down, they loved it, and would not change anything about it either!

A few weeks passed, Vicky, being as she had finished school by this point decided it may be an idea for her to start looking for a job, she was sixteen, and could earn a good amount of money over the summer holidays.  However, Ellen and Chris had been thinking and when Vicky came in with the local paper which had a few suitable holiday jobs at tourist camps which were close enough to walk or get the bus easily to.  Ellen busy making Cottage Pie, sat down on her stool and said something Vicky was no prepared for.

“Vicky….” Ellen had managed it, she had said the name, the name that Vicky wanted to hear from everyone, her mum, her dad, her brother, absolutely everyone, she heard it.  Her face lit up and she ran over to her mum for a big hug.

“Thanks mum!” Vicky said

“It’s ok, I had to start sooner or later.  Me and your dad have been talking again and in the past few days we have decided that by the end of this month, if you feel you are ready to change your name and ‘change’, we will be ready and here for you” Ellen said, with a huge sigh of relief that she managed to say it, it seemed always to be her doing the hard work in this, but Chris was out at work most days.  Vicky began to cry and hugged her mum so dearly that the two both began to cry and laugh, things really were going to get better.

“Do you want a cup of tea then?” she said to her grinning and sniffly daughter who couldn’t believe that it was all a reality.  A pinch could not awake her now!

“I would love one, mum” Vicky smiled, and continued “I got the Next catalogue the other day, is it OK if me, you and Emily have a look tonight so I can buy some nice trousers and tops for summer?”, her joy was easily shown, she was elated, the whole world seemed a brighter place from that day onwards for her.

“Of course we can, after dinner maybe, here you are” Ellen said passing Vicky her tea.  They both sat in the kitchen chatting away, but it wasn’t long before Vicky began to help her mum with the dinner and spending good time together, for the first time in their lives, truly feeling like mother and daughter.

That evening Vicky spent a few hours browsing through the catalogue with Ellen and Emily, as they chatted away very much normally, even Chris and James managed to smile, as Chris nodded to the back room, in other words for the two men of the house, it was too much, so off they went into the back room to play football on the Play-station!  The three girls watched them trundle out of the room and laughed and got back to chatting about the clothes Vicky wanted.  Genetics had favoured her well, she was by now taller than her mum and obviously, Ellen was 5’5″, Emily by now thirteen was 5’1″ but still growing, and Vicky was 5’6″.  Compare this to her dad’s 5’11” and her brother James’, aged fourteen 5’10” she was very lucky!  Her feet were also suitably small, they weren’t a size 10 like her dad or James, but again one size bigger than her mum, a size six.  Her body wasn’t too bad after all, and the sooner she could seek the help of a gender specialist for hormones to start feminisation, opposed to further masculinisation the better!  Vicky chose four pairs of trousers, some simple tops, a denim jacket, a nice pair of slip on trainers, some smart black shoes and also a small denim skirt. She had been saving money for a while and this was a good use for the savings!  The next day Vicky rang up and ordered her goods, which they promised would be with her the next day.


Duly they did arrive and Vicky had great fun trying them all on, much to her liking she didn’t look bad at all, in fact with a bit of makeup, and thanks to her long hair and still relatively feminine looks and proportions, she did look like the girl she felt she really was, this was yet another huge boost to the girl!  It was now only a week away until she left behind her old life for good, her parents were getting quite good at remembering to use the right name and pronouns, also Vicky decided that it was time to change her name.  She took various copies of a statutory declaration to the local solicitors with Ellen and filled in the necessary parts.  They entered the solicitor’s office and Ellen spoke to the receptionist

“I phoned yesterday, about my solicitor signing a name change document”

“Mrs Jefferies?” the receptionist asked looking in the diary.

“Yes” Ellen answered

“Please take a seat Mr. Bell with be with you in due course” the receptionist said pointing to the seating area with the mandatory out of date magazines on the coffee table.  Vicky and Ellen sat quietly, both nervous of what the solicitor’s reaction would be.  Eventually Mr. Bell the solicitor came out of his office and welcomed them in.  They sat down inside in the rather cold and dull room with not much to it, except a lot of books on the shelves behind them, and a desk with a mountain of paperwork and a computer.

“So how can I help you Mrs Jeffries?” asked Mr. Bell.

“We are here so you can sign a statutory declaration form, we understand there is a fee, but it would be most kind if you could verify the document, sign it and authorise it” Ellen said.  Vicky was looking so nervous.  Mr. Bell took the document and began to read…  He read a boy’s name at first, which he naturally assumed was Vicky as it wasn’t Ellen despite Vicky looking rather feminine.  He continued and evidently moved his lips around to the side and and cleared his throat as he read the name that the document authorised Vicky to have it changed to.  “Victoria Louise Jefferies”  He paused not at all used to seeing someone young, and evidently suffering from a gender dysphoria.  But he was nice enough about it all.

“So you must be Victoria now then?” Mr. Bell asked Vicky, which rather took her aside, shyly she replied

“Yes, I am, or will be by the end of this week” she smiled shaking her hair in place.

“Do you want all these copies signed and stamped” asked Mr. Bell.

“Yes, please.” Ellen answered holding Vicky’s hand.

“No problem, just tell the receptionist how many forms I signed for you which is ten, and say it was a statutory declaration, she will take the fee from you, best of luck young lady” Mr Bell said smiling and standing up, he straightened his jacket and opened the door.  Vicky took the forms.

“Thank-you very much” said Vicky

“Yes, thanks for all your help and understanding” Ellen said shaking Mr. Bell’s hand.  They walked to the receptionist who took the money from them and the two knew that officially, Vicky was now legally known as “Victoria Louise Jefferies”.  Such a relief for them both that it wasn’t a troublesome as they had feared!  They left the office and walked back home, slowly, meandering along the same street they had lived in for eleven years, with an air of freedom and new birth too, mother, and daughter, chatted quietly as they approached the house, and Vicky really felt she had to say something to her mum.

“Mum, I know I may have said this before, but I love you all so much more than anything in the world!  I could never have wished for a better mum, a better dad, a better brother or a better sister.  You are all so special to me mum!” she began to cry smiling at Ellen.  Ellen felt tears come to her eyes with Vicky’s touching words, a single tear shed, dropped helplessly to the ground into a muddied puddle from last night’s rain downpour.  And like the ripples the tears of happiness caused in a mere muddy puddle, the tears of happiness would cause lasting ripples in their lives and hearts forever.

Chapter Seven

Vicky managed to make it to the end of the week, and to her last assembly at school, being as she had no real friends by the time she left, nobody had any idea apart from the school of her intensions, she sat down in the front row, as she was due to collect the Geography cup for her school.  She sat quietly listening to the speeches, the orchestra’s interludes and then her presentation.  She was called up in her old name, but etched on the cup was her new name, she smiled broadly as the headmaster passed it to her who said to her quietly (as the words were covered in the din of clapping) “Best of luck with everything”, they shook hands and parted ways.  Vicky knew in the her heart this was the last day she would have to face the world with people seeing a man.  Everybody in the house knew this, and that evening despite there being a sombre mood, everyone reminded themselves that it really was all for the better and that things would truly improve soon, if not from the next day onwards.  Duly Saturday arrived, the 17th of July 1999.

class=”storytext”>And so being the first day of the rest of her life, Vicky set above removing the artefacts that made her male, Emily had taught her all that she needed to know, and hid in Vicky’s room in deep anticipation of the transformation.  Thankfully for Vicky she was sixteen and still had quite a feminine face under the ravages of her facial hair, this was her first day she would proudly and unambiguously say, I’m a woman!

As on many usual days she looked in the mirror at her ragged face covered in facial hair, untidy hair and thick eyebrows, not very female at all.

She shaved her facial hair off as she did so very often, she would have to do it again but this was just a temporary solution for the time being.

Sitting at Emily’s dresser she plucked her eyebrows to a more feminine shape and brought her little makeup box onto the dresser.  She had bought a few bits, two eye shadows, a black mascara, a simple lip stick and some lip gloss, foundation and a pretty pink blusher.  She set to work on transforming her appearance with the magic items.  She then combed her hair carefully and it looked a lot better.

She put her favourite cropped red top on; and admired at the feminine results already showing in the mirror and smiled with much happiness.

Then deciding to play with her hair as many girls do for different looks and styles, she decided to go for a sporty look, just to see what it looked like.  She tied it up at the back and brought a fringe down from the top.

The results was an impressive difference, she padded out her bra; as she had not started HRT her breasts had not started to develop.  She decided to finish her makeover leaving her hair as it appeared.

And because she was now properly living as a girl, she decided just because she could – she wore the blue skirt she had bought, admittedly it was quite short but; she wore it out of defiance of her previous identity – even though they were the same person, it was only the day before she walked back from her last day at school living in society forcibly as a boy.  Looking in the mirror she was overwhelmed by emotion of the difference that had been made, and made by her!  She felt like a girl inside and out; there were some artefacts still, but she relaxed a lot more knowing her appearance could only get better with hormones and facial hair removal.

She then pulled her hair down again and combed it straight.  She liked the way she had arranged it, but wanted it to look the way she had her hair for many years.  Calling for Emily, she sat down and waited for her sister.  She burst through the door and immediately held her hand over her mouth in shock, a very pleasant shock – they were both speechless.  They rushed over to each other for a very tearful and emotional hug.  After a while Emily mustered to say something so simple but heart renderingly sincere

“Now you really are my sister!”

Chapter Eight

Vicky’s first day was just around her house, her parents had to get used to the notion of there in essence being another girl in household, when really there always had been the three, just not noticeably.  Vicky was really happy just to wander around the house, six weeks of bliss, she could be herself, she could wear what she liked, she looked very much what she wanted to, she felt so right.  Liberated from the shackles of her previous imposed gender regime, she smiled for most of the day, even if it was laying on her bed smiling as she sketched some drawings.  Vicky and Emily even danced around the house quite freely with happiness, for Ellen and Chris, this was a huge shock.  Three months ago they had suicidal “son”, and now they had a happy daughter.  Vicky needed to work on her voice more, she was a bit androgynous in that department still (if such a thing is possible, in other words, to some she sounded female and to others she sounded male) but she seemed happier with it, and now that she began to use it full time, with her luckily flexible voice and good pitch range, she would soon develop the soulful and songbird like voice she had before the testosterone-regime snatched it away.


She just felt so happy, the rain clouds were parting as the splinters of sunlight broke through the cracks and the clouds dissipated into the ether and for Vicky, the sun shone in her life.  Everything was so wonderful, even just around the house, she got called her real name, her real gender, she felt so, normal yet elated at the same time.  From within her blossomed and flew the butterfly that Vicky was and had promised to Emily many years earlier that she would become, and like her sister, Vicky was a pretty looking girl.  Her nose was not to her liking, but she could probably pass quite easily in time, but that did not matter, she of course had to seek a psychiatrist’s help; but that seemed marginally secondary, she had started doing what she wanted, living as a female, a daughter, a sister and, herself.

Vicky being taught well in the kitchen by Ellen cooked that Saturday night, she made everyone Sweet and Sour Chicken, and she did it very well indeed, she laid the table out and prepared the feast, everyone loved Chinese food in the Jefferies household, and Vicky knew her stuff when it came to cooking, such a versatile girl.  She called for dinner, everyone else was in the front room except Emily who stayed in the kitchen as the two girls chatted, about what they should do that week.  Emily though still younger, would be crucial to Vicky for building up confidence in the first few weeks, and besides Vicky loved her sister, it was not even considered to be un-cool for her to hang around with little sis’!  They had a good laugh and a joke about everything, Vicky’s past bad habits, the good days, and not least, boys and who was hot and who was not!  The freedom!  The liberation!  The other three came into the lounge as Emily was talking about this Fireman’s calendar she had snuck into her room, Ellen and Chris overheard the two girls talking about it, and they sat sat there chin resting on hands smiling and looked at each other and smiled, their daughter was blossoming so quickly.  Emily and Vicky served up the rice into one dish, the noodles to another, and placed the sauce in yet another dish, prawn crackers were on the table, as was the red wine and the glasses, perfect.

Vicky served up and sat down in her usual place, and smiled looking at her handiwork, she had enjoyed making dinner, she enjoyed the company she had, she was beginning to enjoy even the smallest things in life and really appreciating them, it meant so much to her.

“Thanks Vicky, this looks great!” said her dad smiling broadly at his newfound daughter.

“Yes, it looks wonderful honey” said Ellen as she gave Vicky a kiss on the cheek.

“Ok, everybody want red wine, only a bit for you Emily and James mind!” chuckled Chris, everyone nodded as he poured the wine into the glasses.

“I would like to propose a toast everybody, to a new beginning” said Chris.  Vicky welled up still smiling, everybody was around the table, everyone seemed happy, everything was perfect, so settled, so calm, so peaceful, so delightful.

“To a new beginning” everybody said as the glasses chinked in the middle of the table.

All four tucked into the dinner and thoroughly enjoyed it, not before long the handiwork was all gone, but everyone enjoyed it.  Vicky gathered up the dishes and took them to the kitchen and returned with a chocolate gateaux…  And how did everyone love that, always a favourite, after all, chocolate, again soon enough that too had gone.  But there was something that hadn’t gone.  No, not the red wine, the bottle of Merlot had been polished off, so what was remaining?  Everybody’s smile, everybody’s happiness and joy.  And that included Vicky, gone were the constant spates of sadness and depression.  Ellen put her hand on her newfound daughter’s and said to her,

“Vicky, I’m really proud of you, we all are, we all love you and”…. Ellen and Vicky began to cry at this moment, sniffing, the two sat side by side reached over and hugged so dearly as the other three also concurred with similar musings.  This was Vicky’s best day of her life, by far, so far at least.

“Thank-you…” Vicky sniffed “…thank-you so much for giving me the chance” and she started weeping again as Chris leant over and gave her a hug as well.  They stayed at the table until dark, no one wanted the day to end, but the darkness descended in the sky but not in the moods of the people around the table, by around midnight everyone decided to part for bedtime, lots of kissing ensued and “goodnights!”, Emily and Vicky went upstairs and Emily invited Vicky into her room.   They laid on the bed for a long time quietly talking about what to do tomorrow, Vicky wanted to get out of the house and actually show people herself, she was not ashamed, people would recognise her, but this was her life and those people had got in the way up to now, now this new girl was on the block, they would soon come to respect the strength and courage Vicky had to actually say, “You were wrong about me, this is me”.  Emily said herself and her friends were wondering whether to go to the beach or the cinema in the evening.  In the end Emily suggested maybe they should just go to the cinema tomorrow evening and go to the beach the next day.  Vicky felt that was a good idea, after all it was a Sunday tomorrow.  The two parted and hugged.

“Goodnight sis'” said Vicky,

“and Goodnight to you, sis'” said Emily.  Sweet dreams were definitely had all around.

Morning broke, and the sun shone through the curtains again, just like summer should be.  Vicky and Emily got up early, the enthusiasm for life was vivid, Vicky did not want to waste an hour, a minute of her life any longer, she was going to enjoy everything, well maybe except washing up and ironing, but you cannot please everyone.  Chris usually went to the newsagents himself for his Sunday paper, instead the two girls said they would go and get it for him.  So duly they did, Vicky took a step into the outside world for the first time, properly and the two began to calmly walk down the road, it was quiet except for the birds’ singing on the telegraph wires, and then coming towards them was, a person.  But they didn’t even flinch as this person walked straight passed Vicky and Emily, great!  In fact the two girls got into the village at the newsagents and sure enough the assistant recognised Vicky, but not as a boy, as a girl, they were taken back, but then this village had to get used to this; and quickly.  But the shopkeeper was friendly as Vicky smiled actually quite comfortably, she actually even paid for the newspaper and spoke to the shopkeeper a tiny bit, practicing her voice.  She heard someone behind her say “Is that the Jefferies’ kid?”, she just turned around with Emily gave a bitchy pout and walked out giggling away, no one but no one, was going to take away what she had now, and there was no denying Vicky was dressed as a girl as she was wearing her skimpy skirt again, she wanted to get a tan on her legs.  They walked the long way back home just so people could see her, and they did, she even caught some guys she didn’t know glancing across the road looking at her, that was just the best feeling.  Her heart rate rose, not because she fancied one of the guys who was looking over, but that guys were looking, but wait had they… Then as they turned away they heard a wolf-whistle from the lads!  How that lifted her spirits even more.

After getting Chris’ paper for him, the girls decided they would sunbathe in the garden on the cushioned garden furniture they had, and sat out there until the sun began to go down around five o’clock, a perfect summer’s day, not a cloud in sight and the two just sat there chatting away as usual with the radio on next to them burbling away in the background.  Also, plenty of ice cold lemonade was drunk, and ice lollies, it was so gorgeously hot and the two girls managed to make the most of it, until Vicky dosed off and Emily quickly scampered off to the garden hose, turned it on full blast and ran up and shocked poor old Vicky by drenching her in ice cold water, how she jumped up and screamed and then started laughing away, she ran up the garden path and filled up a bucket with the other garden tap and began to chase after Emily, screaming and giggling like a couple of eight year olds having a water fight…  Life really was so much fun for the two of them.   Eventually Emily slipped on the grass fell over and Vicky sloshed the whole bucket of water all over Emily, who in turn got a hold on one of  Vicky’s legs and tugged until Vicky also fell over, there they were, the two kids lying on the grass in the shade of the conifer trees that lined the bottom of the garden, looking up at the blue sky and the bird’s singing, it really was perfect.  Vicky crawled over to Emily


“Hey sis, truce?” she said,

“Hey what makes you think I’m giving up so quickly” Emily said firmly poking her tongue out at Vicky playfully.

“Because you’re shivering like me and want to get warm” Vicky smiled one step ahead.

“Well… yeah OK I am cold, truce girl?” she smiled at Vicky.  Vicky nodded and gave her sister a very big hug, she still felt on top of the world, making up for lost time, and the two sat there for a little while in the shade, shoulder to shoulder laughing away, with Vicky telling more stories of what she did with Emily when she was a little baby.  Eventually Ellen came outside to see what the commotion earlier on was to find the two girls dripping with water, she thankfully saw the funny side of it and laughed as she wander back in,

“Make sure you go straight in the downstairs shower with yourselves looking like drowned rats!  I don’t want to have to clear up your mess either, girls!” Ellen laughed.

Every time Vicky heard that, girl, being referred to as one, she felt a warm feeling, a pang sensation in her stomach as the word hit her, she wasn’t being called wrongly a boy any more, her female identity was recognised and allowed to flourish and she sat there so chuffed with the fact her parents had been ever so wonderful to have been able to accept within a mere three months.  She sat there just thinking about whether the sensation she felt when referred to by her name and the right pronouns, whether that would ever go away…

That night once tidied up and dressed more accordingly, Emily’s friends came over, as they were going to the Cinema, as was Vicky.  Though unfortunate that a sixteen year old was mainly socialising with twelve/thirteen year olds, it was probably a good thing in the sense it allowed her to start her teens again almost in the right sense.  Of course, Emily had no idea how her friends would react to seeing Vicky, I mean they had seen her, before, but obviously saw Vicky as her brother, albeit the “weird feminine one” was one of the things that had been heard.  Duly Emily’s three closest friends came over as Chris was going to give them a lift in.  Vicky sat upstairs in her room a bit scared of how the other girls would react to her presence, eventually Emily said to her friends

“Hey, I got someone else to come by the way!” she smiled

“Who is it?” asked her friend Jasmine.

“No” said Emily smiling letting them guess.

“Is it, Darren who you so do fancy and there’s no denying it Em’s!” said her other friend Melanie causing a lot of laughs, Emily blushed

“No, it isn’t, although you are right, I do fancy him!” said Emily provoking, but she meant it,  A lot of swooning ensued!

“So who is?” said another of Emily’s friends, Hannah.  Emily smiled with hands on hips.

“You’re gonna have a surprise, but it’s a nice one and I want you to be kind”, Emily said, and she turned around and the smile became fear of the unknown, but no, Emily was going to stand strong, walk up those steps and bring Vicky back down and be proud of her sister.  And she did, she entered Vicky’s room who was dressed by now very smartly in her baggy jeans and pink heart top.

“So you coming sis'” Emily asked Vicky.  She got up, picked her bag up and put it on her shoulder, and answered

“Of course, now where are your friends?” Vicky said quite firmly and getting something of an adrenaline rush, she had met these friends of Emily’s before now, so the trepidation was immense.  They walked down the stairs and entered the lounge.

Silence.  The three girls recognised Vicky, after all, she was pretty much the same, just well groomed, wearing makeup and nice suitably feminine clothes too.  Vicky had thus far managed to keep a fairly feminine look and so she passed well as a girl, some people may have noticed, but she wasn’t even on female hormones as yet!  And the voice too, that was different…

“Hiya!” beamed Vicky, though rather a strained beam.  The three friend’s of Emily sat a bit quiet, not giggling or smirking of whispering comments.

“This is my sister, Vicky” Emily said proudly in her delightful bouncy voice “She’s coming with us tonight” she continued.  The three other girls managed to eventually say something, what seemed again like a lifetime was not as bad, but still an awkward few seconds pause, they looked up at Vicky and eventually Melanie broke the silence.

“That’s cool, cool top babe!” she said trying to reassure, sure there were a heck of a lot of questions remaining about Vicky, endless amounts but, intelligent Melanie knew better than to start asking all of those things straight away, Melanie was a lovely girl, very intelligent indeed and also on her side, very pretty too!  And so the other two friends followed

“Yeah, that’s cool, nice to meet you” Hannah said doing her best to smile and not to also dive into asking questions.

“Hi, Vicky!” said Jasmine smiling, she wasn’t so bothered about Vicky being a girl, the times Jasmine had played with Emily and Vicky when younger and thought of her as a girl was countless, so Jasmine was fine and the questions for her could wait.

“Well it’s nice to meet you all” chuckled Vicky still feeling a bit uneasy.

“So you must be sixteen and finished school now?” asked Melanie.

“Sure am, really I am very glad indeed to have finished there!” said Vicky almost being able to smile about it.  Melanie continued

“So I bet you’re starting college at the end of Summer!  All those fit men!” she laughed, Melanie was as said intelligent but she was a real flirt and loved the boys!  She didn’t stop to think ‘does Vicky like boys or other girls’, because it was common knowledge that Miss Vicky Jefferies had a thing for the boys though the heavy and rather undeniable rumours of in her days of living as ‘he’ and ‘his’ evident attraction to boys.

“Too right” Vicky laughed feeling more at ease with herself and relaxing “all those fit, tanned and toned men at college, studying sounds a hard prospect now!” she joked.

“Yeah well it’s alright for some” laughed Jasmine with all five girls laughing,  Duly Chris came from the back room where he was playing Football on the Play-station with James.  James came in the front room too.

“Ok gang, we ready to go yet” said Chris in his usual eloquent dad like English!

“Hi girls” butted in James who had a thing for Jasmine as he managed to semi-smile at her.

“Hey James!” all three friend’s of Emily said at once, laughing that they managed to say the same thing in tandem.

“So you all off to the cinema sis’?” and he wasn’t referring to Emily, but Vicky, see James too had accepted Vicky very well and didn’t even think of her any different, just calling her the right names now, this was of immense boosting to Vicky.

“Yeah honey we are, think we’ll be back around half past ten-ish” she said to James giving him a quick hug and kiss.  “See you later” Vicky continued.

“Yeah, you too Emily, have a good time with the girls” he joked smiling away.

“Yeah we will, just don’t frazzle your eyes on the computer” she laughed.  They all said bye and just as Emily poked her head back around the lounge door to playfully poke her tongue out at James (typical brother and sister banter) he pointed to the electric guitar, that meant no more computer and ear muff time!  Emily joked by saying “Oh God!” and quickly ran out shutting the front door behind her, BLAM – on when the guitar and the ear crunching riffs ensued, they had escaped!…

The summer past quickly enough and was bright and sunny for the most part and hot too.  Vicky and Emily built up a nice tan too with all their sunbathing on the beach and in the garden, and had managed to attract some attention from the boys.  Especially when Emily was invited by a friend to a big party on the beach that summer and brought Vicky with her, they laid on the beach all day, all the girls with the boys from Emily’s year and above all doing their own thing but all looking at each other, there were some nice looking boys there, and what with their tops off and legs out…. wow!  The evening began to draw in and they started a barbeque and sat on the beach into dusk, all huddled together, Vicky was the oldest and people in general had again refrained from asking the questions, though they ‘knew’ show she was and just thought there was little point objecting, they had seen the depressed and confused being at school or at Emily’s house before, and now sat before them was a happy, bubbly and like Emily, a rather pretty girl too, so much so one of the lads who Vicky was kind of attracted to (he was better than average, Vicky’s type, and one of the older ones there, fifteen years old) also had something of a crush on her too as they day past!  He knew full well that down below Vicky still wasn’t ‘right’, but odd for a teenage boy he didn’t care, he actually was quite a caring lad though outgoing, his name was Sebastian.  Eventually he shuffled up to Vicky and started chatting.  By that time the sun was setting and in an hour they would have to pack up and get the bus back home, and also the girls who had their boyfriends and the ones who found themselves getting close to other that day were all dotted around a small area sat together.  Emily was with Darren, cuddling just beyond the camp fire, and noticeably kissing away!  Sebastian sided up by Vicky who was sitting by the fire they had lit and didn’t look to her side straight away, until Sebastian spoke.

“Hey Vicky, you were looking cold from where I was” he said.  Vicky chuckled a bit

“Nah, just gazing at that sunset honey, isn’t it gorgeous?” she said.  She was evidently quite pleased that Sebastian had come over… she got a sudden rush… the adrenaline again  rushing and her heart pounding.

“I’m Sebastian or call me Seb, nice to meet you!” Seb said introducing himself, Vicky knew him but not that well, knew him to recognise him and have a ‘thing’ for him.

“Well you know I’m Vicky honey” she said still a little shy to look at him, but slightly gripping her bottom lip with her teeth, almost a sign of expectation.

“Yeah, Emily’s sis’, what did you think of today then?” he asked, as Vicky began to look at him, still with his top off, looking tanned and pretty toned, her eyes ran down to his legs, hmmm….

“I think it’s been” she paused “almost perfect, I saw you surfing earlier, you looked cool out there” she complimented now looking at Seb but with shy eyes still not quite engaged for full eye contact all the time.

“Wow, you think” he said feeling a boost to his ego with the compliment!

“Yeah, you were, I should have joined in when you were playing volleyball too” Vicky knowing she liked the game, her heart rate was still rising, feeling very attracted to him.

“Are you cold?” Seb asked looking at the goosepimples on Vicky’s arms.

“I am a bit, but I’m ok” she answered.  Seb picked up his hoodie and draped it over Vicky’s shoulders.

“That has to be better” he smiled, Vicky was somehow an innate flirt, she knew just what to do, she had no dating experience, nothing, she just knew how to handle such situations with suggestive ways.  Thankfully down below wasn’t reacting to her arousal as she managed to keep it in relative heed.

“Almost better” she said suggestively and looking with a suggestive smile as she slightly licked her lips, with wide loving eyes looking at him and then slowly turning her head slightly, not away from Seb but again, flirting.

Seb grasped her chin gently and pulled her toward him and, well the fireworks went off from that moment as Vicky felt Seb kissing her… The warmth that ran through her body was intense, a feeling she never had felt before as the tenderness of the moment came over her whole body, and slow hand movements from Seb on her back was… She had never felt so good about herself in her life, her innate femininity made her feel on top of the world that some boys would ignore some of the physical facts and just take her for what she really was,  The moment she had waited for all her life, to be able to date boys!  This was so liberating, all the years spent of romantic thoughts of her and a man, together hand in hand sharing their lives closely and intimately.  Seb was easily attracted to Vicky, because she wasn’t scared of showing her more feminine than average nature, Seb liked this very much – rather than girls butching it up a bit, but more so the vulnerability that Vicky put over that she was indeed in need of a man in her life, the warmth radiated from her body as she felt pure ecstasy.  The couple cuddled and kissed for the rest of time on the beach except the last ten minutes where Seb held Vicky close in his arms as they huddled up together in the red delight of the shimmering sunset, it was almost the end of the summer, but Vicky’s life had hardly even begun.  The feeling of being close to a man felt right to her, and it was someone she fancied too.  They walked behind everyone else talking, holding hands to the bus stop and sat together on the way back.  As Vicky and Emily drew near to their stop, the two kissed again, intimately and hugged.

“You have my number honey” said Vicky as she got up.

“I sure do!” said Seb “I’ll call you soon, promise”  he smiled pleased with himself, the fact Vicky was trans had seemingly no effect on him liking her!

“See you see then luvvie” said Vicky as she walked down the bus aisle.

“Yeah, take care sweetheart” Seb said affectionately as the other guys looked at him all loved up!

Emily was likewise saying similar things to Darren.  They both blew kisses to their boys as the bus pulled away as they stood at the bus stop, noticing the banter going on in the bus between the guys who were macho and single and the ones who were macho but seemingly with swollen hearts!  The guys waved, and the two girls just began to stare in amazement at their ‘catch’ the two hugged in public laughing away to each other as they slowly wandered back home in the twilight hour.  The street lamps began to shimmer in the midnight blue sky, as the two girls walked down the same old road again back home laughing and joking about the day and of course, again, their boys.

College was only two weeks away for Vicky and school one week for Emily, but that did not matter because regardless of that, the two would continue to have the time of their lives wherever they were, life truly was a lot different than it was a mere five months ago, as the chit chattering faded into the distance and the giggles became faint and the footsteps became silent on a slumbering world that was only just awakening for Vicky.

Chapter Nine

With a week to go until the start of college[1] time past with relative ease, Emily started back at school in the first week of September with Vicky having her college induction day the same week.  Emily was still with Darren and Vicky was still with Seb, which had made the past week fly past since their meeting on the beach.  As per usual the weather turned greatly downhill with the start of school, Vicky hadn’t remembered a first day of school that wasn’t overcast.  However, the Monday when she had her induction day at college, started of grey and almost with some sense of symbolism, the sun came out to make the day a rather sunny one indeed.  Vicky was incredibly nervous, so many of the people she had been at school with until six weeks ago, had also gone up to college, a lot of them had already heard the rumour which Vicky had decided to ignore when Emily or Ellen told her some of the things going around the village they lived in.  (The college was in a nearby large town)

They had to go to the sports hall to find out which tutorial groups they were going to be in for the two years at college; Vicky unfortunately had to stand queuing on her own, but she put a brave face on a smiled nicely hoping someone would come over and say “Hi!”.  But nobody did, everyone was in their “groups” of friends from school; and since Vicky had none, she waited patiently and did not let it get the better of her.  The previous week, Vicky had also followed up arranging an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialised in gender dysphorias, he was based in London and his name was Dr. Russell Reid[2].  The appointment was private, but Vicky agreed with her parents that she would pay half of the first appointment fee, this didn’t bother her contributing at all, she so dearly needed to see a specialist, with the hope of receiving hormones, she also needed to start electrolysis to remove the facial hair she had, thankfully it was still easily concealable and not that dense and would not take years to be resolved, all this was slowly in hand.

Eventually the sport’s hall doors opened and the students filed into, and found out who they would be with for the next two years, after looking on the big notice boards, Vicky slowly wandered over in her baggy trousers, her denim jacket with simple baby blue strappy top on underneath to the far left corner of the hall.  Some students were already there, she was terrified of what was going to happen, whether people all stopped and looked as she walked passed, but no one did, she walked on by and began to hold her head high thinking “I have every right to be here and I’m going to make the most of it” – and she did, her head lifted from the ground for many years she stared at as she walked, as she lifted it up and carried on walking looking straight forward.  She was with Mrs Adams for the two years, who seemed a nice enough looking middle aged lady, who smiled and greeted Vicky when she got there.

“Hi there” Mrs Adams said holding her hand out to Vicky, the two shook hands “and you are?” she asked.

“I’m Vicky, think I’m in the right place” she said so nervously, shyly looking around her.  Mrs Adams checked her list

“Victoria Jefferies, yes?” she said.

“Yes, that’s me” Vicky said back proudly hearing her name again.

“We’ll be going to the tutor room when the remaining four get here” Mrs Adams explained smiling.

Vicky stood back and a few girls said Hi at that point, and from that moment onwards, they kept on chatting at every available point that day, they did not know anything about Vicky’s past, and there was no way she was going to divulge those details to them.  Eventually someone who was at her old school came along.  Vicky heard the name and thought “Oh god, this is where it’s going to be all ruined!”  The girl came along and knew who Vicky was, but she didn’t give her an evil, an untoward look, she had heard the rumours and from them had learnt her name.

“Hey, Vicky!” she said as she pretended to notice her (she knew full well she was there!), she walked over

“Heh, Hi Danielle” Vicky said tentatively

“So, looks like we’re together again for two years” said Danielle smiling.

“Seems so, hey come and meet Lucy, Becky and Hannah” she said introducing the girls she had been chatting too.  They all began talking away, eventually Mrs Adams led the whole group from the hall to the tutor room.   Danielle just held Vicky back as they began to walk off

“Vicky… I won’t say anything, and if you want to talk anytime, just let me know!” Vicky smiled and gave Danielle a big hug.

“That’s very kind, thanks!” Vicky said.

“Is it OK if I ask you a few things sometime” said Danielle, very intrigued to find out more about Vicky’s situation.

“Sure, just not now, and well I don’t want to talk about it too much though honey” said Vicky still smiling.  They quickly caught up with the rest of the group and got to the classroom…  (Or Class-tomb as Vicky used to call it at school!)

The day went quickly enough, and apart from a rather disgusting look from one of the lads who on occasion made nasty comments to Vicky at school, the day passed without hitch, she was so pleased with herself and made some good friends that day, she actually even enjoyed it, which was making the proposition of two years studying A-Levels[1] in English Language, Geography, and Media Studies in the hope to go on and do a degree to pursue a career in Primary School[3] teaching.  She was very passionate about this and after getting such good grades for her GCSEs (three As, Seven Bs and a C grade) she was destined to do well and become a very good student, hungry to learn in an undisturbed environment and with at last a sense of true happiness in her life.

“So Vic, what you doing tonight, you seeing your man” asked Becky on their way out of the college doors.  The three girls she met in the hall and become friends with straight away did not even have an inkling about her past.

“Probably, not sure yet though, I’ll have to give him a call” Vicky chuckled with folders under her arm, typical student!

“That’s cool, well least someone’s lucky to be dating” laughed Hannah, in a joking manner.

“Well I’m sure there’ll be plenty of hot lads at the Fresher’s Ball!” smirked Vicky, the four laughed as Danielle caught up with them

“So what did you think of today?” she said.

“Yeah it was cool I thought” said Vicky.

“Yeah, Mrs Adams seems really nice doesn’t she” answered Lucy.

“And, wow, so much more freedom than school, looks like this should be fun girls!” laughed Becky.  They all laughed as they waited for the bus back home, and at last Vicky was living and fully accepted as one of them, a girl, the best feeling she had ever known.

A few weeks past by, and Vicky sensed things with Seb weren’t going so well, he was in his last year of school, she was at college, and though he was a nice guy, as soon as he was with his mates, she felt rather ignored.  She wasn’t too upset about this, she knew it wasn’t her fault, so one night she called him over to talk.  They sat down on Vicky’s newly decorated room (which was a bit more girly looking now by this time!) on her bed and Vicky just came out with it honestly.

“Seb,  I’ve been thinking, and I don’t think this, us is going to work is it?” she said asking the difficult question, there was an awkaward pause.

“Why, what do you mean, what’s wrong?” he said rather shocked.  Vicky paused for a moment,

“We’re too far apart, we can’t see much of each other what with me at college and you at school, it’s hard” the difficult conversation continued for a long time.  Eventually about an hour or so later, the issue had been dealt with amicably enough.

“So we’ll definitely still be friends” Seb asked a little disheartened still.

“Definitely, and don’t think I’m not grateful for everything you have done, because I am” Vicky answered.  The two hugged and Seb stayed a while longer just talking things over and general chat, by nine o’ clock, Seb needed to leave, and duly he did, they hugged and kissed goodbye and arranged to just meet as friends soon.  The door shut and Vicky sat down on the door mat crying, she knew it was for the best, but she hadn’t quite learnt to completely trust her judgement and feelings.  Ellen came out to see what was wrong, this was the first time Vicky had cried since she transitioned.

“What wrong honey?” Ellen asked seeing her daughter in the dark.

“I’ve just split up with Sebastian” she said crying and sniffling away on her own.

“Awww my baby, come in here we can talk” said Ellen with a caring look for her daughter holding her arms out.  Vicky got up and hugged her mum dearly, and they wandered off into the kitchen where it was nice and quiet, they talked things over, and by the end of the evening, the two of them had worked it out and Vicky was again smiling!

Her appointment with the gender psychologist was in three weeks time, in fact two days after the Fresher’s Ball, the first time Vicky would have been to any club.  Vicky told her friends at college her split with Sebastian, and they did feel for her and comforted her, but this meant that Vicky and her friends could go and strut their stuff as single girls!  Vicky was having such a great time at College, the people who knew her past kept completely quiet and had decided to leave her alone and for the best part the group of friends she made (the most friends she had ever had!) didn’t know a thing apart from her friend Danielle and also Chloe who turned up again in her life.  And life was so good back in return, they managed a few shopping trips for clothes and shoes, as Vicky began to discover all the things she had been previously denied, life was just so much fun, but her money wasn’t in forever plentiful supply and the next thing on Vicky’s agenda was finding a job.  Thankfully, Hannah worked in a local hotel and said they were looking for waitresses, so duly Vicky agreed to find out more, the pay seemed alright for a sixteen year old at three pounds an hour, and so Vicky decided to go to the interview.  Thankfully since Vicky had changed her name, all of the relevant details such as National Insurance had been changed with her new name, and so she didn’t need to divulge her history to her new employer – thankfully.  And again, she was not read, she was passing so well, the only things she really wanted hormones for was softer skin, the feeling of her emotions and mind finally connected to her body, to feel right at long last.

“You will need the following for your uniform, which we don’t supply” said the head waiter quite sternly, Vicky was no fan of hard men, it did kind of scare her a bit, but she did not let it get to her (she was after all a very sensitive girl).

“White blouse, dark grey, navy blue or black knee length skirt and either socks or tights” he said closing his book with the information on the job.

“Ok, that sounds no problem”, of course Vicky not having any of the items would have to go out and buy them.  Although she did have some nice white socks with a frilly laced edge to them that she really liked for when she had to be smart, she had a long black skirt, but not a knee length one, no problem she thought, I shall go shopping, maybe with friends, maybe with mum and Emily.

“So do you want the job” the head waiter said lightening up a bit.

“If there is one” Vicky chirpily replied.

“Ok, is it alright to start this Saturday, here at 6.30pm?” he asked smiling now at the pretty girl.

“Most certainly” she said also smiling.  The head waiter got up and put his hand out, Vicky shook his hand and thanked him, she had a job; and for a mere three days time!  Hannah’s mum and dad were often able to give her a lift in; and the job was hard work, the evenings during the week were easiest, but the weekends were manic.  She also had to learn silver service and actually quite enjoyed her job as far as it went.

A few weeks passed by and Vicky’s courses were going great; as was life at College; no one was interfering or messing around with her life anymore, she could study in the library and not get heckled for it, and she could sit in the canteen having a gossip and giggle with her friends, and she seemed to be forever bumping into people she knew now, who’d say “Hi!” as Vicky passed by who always smiled sweetly and greeted them back, and this just wasn’t other girl friends but some boys she had taken a real fancy too.  But no problem, the Fresher’s Ball was very close, in fact – that evening!  And that meant two days to her long awaited appointment with Dr. Russell Reid.  Vicky had bought some very nice new clothes, Ellen was always everyday finding out what it was like to have daughters around the house, and always posed caution when she saw some of Vicky’s new clothes, never anything untasteful, but Vicky did like colourful clothes (her favourite colours being pink, baby blue and all shades of purple, oh and definitely yellow!) and obviously, Ellen and Chris were still getting used to the idea of her wearing dresses and skirts, the novelty was wearing off really.  It wasn’t so much seeing her in a dress for example, but actually seeing her so well looked after (by herself), with attention and care taken on herself, she did really look so much like her sister, but if it was to stay that way, she would need the hormones soon…

That night Vicky was invited over a friend’s house with some others so they could all get ready together, this however posed a problem for Vicky, for obvious reasons, that all but two of those invited over (including Vicky there were six girls invited to her friend Lucy’s house) did not know anything of her history.  Vicky decided that being as she found the essential wardrobe item the other week, a small black dress she would wear that with her nice black evening shoes and wear some jewellery, something she never wore much of except earrings.  So when over there and the girls began to get changed, poor Vicky had to dash off to the bathroom with a lame excuse (she said she needed a mirror, Lucy pointed to one but Vicky dashed off to the bathroom instead!) and came back having put her dress on and tucked below back into good place (fast becoming the bane of her life) and returned, and said she didn’t hear Lucy, but no one was suspicious, not least that this pretty and feminine girl was anything but that.  That in a way proved her conviction of her gender in other people’s eyes, when she was at school, she was always questioned over her gender with the insults she received, but now with no false pretence nobody looked on and started to ‘ponder’ as it were.  But still, not to worry about that, she got dressed, and sat down at the dresser and put on some makeup, thankfully her facial hair didn’t show through until perhaps two days after shaving so she had no worries about being spotted having facial hair as she was staying over at Lucy’s house.  She so badly wanted to start facial hair removal or at least start hormones to prevent further growth of new patches.  She applied her makeup in the usual fashion, a very pretty purple eye shadow, lots of black eyeliner as it was her night out, some pretty dusk pink blusher and some lipstick to finish off, oh, but not quite, mustn’t forget mascara!  Vicky was very lucky with her eyes, she had big baby-like eyes, glowing and round, with long eyelashes; much to the envy of most girl’s she met!  Finally slipping on her shoes, and picking up her black handbag, she was ready as were most of the other girls except Hannah who had arrived a bit later than everyone else.  Eventually they were all ready, and any boys they met this night were going to very lucky indeed.  The troupe of six girls left the house, arm in arm in pairs to the coach pickup point, which was about a fifteen minute walk, thankfully it was a warm evening for the time of year, late Autumn.

Eventually the arrived at the ball, six stunners alert, boys – watch out!  And the lads there, well dressed a lot of them, except those wearing shirts that look like their mother’s curtains and a worn-out pair of jeans!  Still they were guys, leave them be.  As with most things at college, when they say “Fresher’s Ball” what it meant was a night out in a local nightclub, a dingy bass bin, the proper ball with big band, and guys in black suits and the girls in pretty dresses, strawberries and the summer sun was at the end of the Summer Term, still they were here and going to enjoy themselves.  It was no coincidence that when they got in, the age limit[4] for alcohol consumption was completely flaunted by the establishment and sixteen and seventeen year olds were there, drinking heavily, Vicky knew her limits though and she hated the effect of alcohol, and she knew she was better of self inhibited, after all, she was in a dangerous stage, if any lad began to take advantage of her and realise the truth about certain parts of her, that could be a very difficult situation to get out of.  So instead she just opted for a glass of wine and then after that soft drinks.  And living now properly in her female role, this was not something she would get flack for, sure the other girls would try and get her to have another drink, but they didn’t heckle her for it, which was the main thing.  After all squeezing onto a nearby sofa they sat down with their drinks and began to look around themselves, were there any good looking lads there?  Oh yes!  But then Vicky spotted something out of the corner of her eye… It was a guy she could have sworn was Alex, who she had a major crush on in primary school.  But could she be sure, she got up.

“Where you going?” asked Danielle laughing and drunk after two drinks!

“Err, just something I have, seen…” she said tailing off at the end.  All the girls looked at each other mouths ajar!

“I wonder who it is!” laughed Kirsty, one of Vicky’s friends.

She wandered into the next room which was something of a “lad’s area”, she heard a few whistles in her direction and blushed, and being the flirt she was she often turned around and made a kissing motion with her mouth!  Still she looked around, for this guy who she was sure was Alex.  Just as she turned around giving up, she bumped right into a tall 6’2″ lad, and being 5’6″ herself she was staring right at his chest!  She looked up and said “Sorry” rather innocently, and then she realised, it was Alex she bumped into, she was standing right up against him!  The two took a step back laughing and saying sorry in equal measure, until Vicky calmed and managed to ask him the question she wanted to know the answer to.

“So you’re Alex, right?” she asked.

“How do you know” he said looking to make sure he wasn’t wearing his work name badge.  He didn’t snap but was rather curious.

“I used to be at school with you…” it then dawned on her that Alex would not remember her or at best remember a ‘boy’ who looked very much like her.  “I’m Vicky, you were at primary school with me for a year back in 1992!”

Alex stood there thinking and then it dawned on him who she was, but not in a bad way, all his memory could remember was someone with long hair who he used to sit next to, he couldn’t remember the name, and his level of alcohol consumption (pint after pint of beer consumption!) didn’t help either.

“Vicky, that’s it, I remember, I sat next to you didn’t I?” he said smiling, unknown to Vicky, Alex did actually begin to fancy Vicky!

“Yeah, that’s right, you live here now?” she asked still smiling and standing closer to Alex.

“Well, mum and dad split and we’ve moved back here” he said a little down hearted.

“Oh, I’m real sorry honey, I didn’t meant to…” she said apologising, Alex nodded and said to her

“It’s alright, hey look, would you like a drink” Alex asked.  Vicky began to smile broadly, she accepted the offer.

“That’s very kind of you” she smiled.

“Don’t worry, my treat” he said back.

The pair went off upstairs where it was quieter and more room to sit down, as she walked with Alex to the archway which led to the stairs she saw her girls on the sofa, all she did was smile broadly as she followed Alex, and all three of the girls jaws dropped wide open again.

“She is so lucky that one!” joked Lucy

“Yeah…. how does she do it!” followed on Kirsty also laughing.

They sat upstairs where few people were, most were downstairs eyeing up the dance floor which was by now filling up.  The pair sat close enough together on one of the sofa’s the club had and began chatting away again about past times, what has been up.  This would on the face of it be torturous for Vicky, but she never viewed herself as a school-boy, but a school-girl, so her history in basic terms needed no fabrication, she just retold the happy times she had and that was more than fine.  Vicky was more than happy to see Alex, and Alex seemed to be the same, Vicky just happened (as girls do!) to look down in between his legs, for a quick glance, she had after all accepted Alex’s offer of another drink, and she had not stuck to lemonade but, again, white wine by the glass,  Now being on her third she was definitely sticking to lemonade after that.  She looked very quickly only to see… well Alex was eveidently pleased to see her, she felt this sudden rush to her heart, and feeling somewhat tipsy with the effects of the drink, put her glass down, and stopped Alex mid motion of his sentence, put her finger on his lip and gave him a kiss.  Silence… Vicky then realised that was probably a mistake, but she still had a real thing for him, and he had grown up into something of a real handsome guy!

“I’m sorry” she said flinching, ready to go and cry in the ladies.  There was a pause.

“Don’t worry…” said Alex surprised still “…look, don’t worry, and come here you” he laughed as he pulled Vicky in to cuddle her…  Vicky giggled somewhat as Alex held her close, she felt so warm all over, she kept her legs crossed like any good girl though and the two stayed with each other all night, and Vicky even managed to show him some dance floor prowess!  She couldn’t believe it, this guy she had a major crush on, was here, her in his arms and dancing away together… she just could not believe it.

The night drew to a close and Alex and Vicky stood outside the nightclub with Alex’s lads just beyond them and Vicky’s girls just by the bench eating something they had all bought from a fast food restaurant.  It was 2am by this time!

“So, what did you think of tonight” asked Alex, as he held Vicky with both hands on her bum!  Which she did like a lot, just the warmth his body was providing!

“It was…” she paused “…perfect” she said sweetly.

“How can it be, with me” Alex joked.

“It’s because of you it is honey” said Vicky looking up at him.  See if Vicky had been tall, and granted Alex was very tall, it wouldn’t been quite the same, i.e.: looking down to Alex!  Alex smiled and the two kissed intimately again.

Eventually Alex’s lads were ready to go and started calling him

“Hey lover boy, we’re off, you coming?” one of his mate’s shouted over.  Alex turned around and said

“Hey just wait, one minute” he turned back to Vicky and held her tight and furthered “So do you want to meet soon” he said.

“Yes!” Vicky said perhaps a bit to overly eager “that would be lovely” she continued in a more controlled manner.

“Ok, well… what’s your number?” he asked.  Vicky wrote her home number down for him.

“There you go, I don’t have a mobile so that’s my home number” she said smiling sweetly and affectionately.

“Ok, I’ll give you a call tomorrow evening?” Alex again enquired.

“Yeah, that’s fine, are you in college tomorrow” Vicky asked, rather hoping the answer was a yes.

“I am, maybe I’ll catch you there” said Alex smiling.

“I’m away on Friday, but give me a call and we can do something?” Vicky said just wanting to make sure Alex really was interest.

“Sure will!” he exclaimed.

The two hugged again and kissed, a lot, and parted ways, Vicky turned around beaming with her girls calling her over for all the gossip, and Alex’s boys were loudly shouting about “How did you get HER!?” they exclaimed.  Vicky ran through all the gossip and by the time she had finished the girl’s were back at Lucy’s house and in the room in sleeping bags most of them with Lucy in her bed.  Everyone said goodnight and Vicky lay there looking out of the skylight (since Lucy’s room was in the attic), just looking at the twinkling stars again and she began to drift off feeling so warm and good about herself, just the feeling that a guy she really liked was actually quite possibly now with her.  Her toes twitched in excitement over this thought and she placed both hands on her heart and sighed with happiness just thinking “I’m so glad I am a girl!”…  She slowly drifted off to sleep, into a land of tranquillity and happiness, almost what her life really was like by now…


[1] : In the UK, once the 16 year old exams are taken (GCSEs) students often go on to do Advanced Level qualifications (A Levels) which lead often to University degree courses.  Some students go to a local college and some secondary schools (11-16) have a “6th Form” (16-18) where A Levels and other subjects are done.

[2] : Dr. Russell Reid is in real life a gender psychiatrist in London, UK who works privately.

[3] : Primary school is from ages 4 to 11 in the UK and is sometimes split into infant school (4-7) to junior school (7-11)

[4] : In the UK the age restriction for alcohol consumption is 18+

Chapter Ten

Friday arrived, after some anticipation, as it was Vicky’s first appointment with the gender psychiatrist.  She had saved £160 for the appointment which would cover the whole first session, she offered to pay in full to her parents, but they told her that half is fine.  She had also been in touch with Alex on Thursday, not to say where she was going but to arrange something to do at the weekend, they had pretty much decided on going to the cinema and probably getting something to eat out.  However, the importance of the day ahead meant that her thoughts were unusually diverted away from those of Alex!  The journey to the psychiatrist’s office was a five hour drive away, it was all the way to London, which was certainly not around the corner.  Vicky’s appointment was at 3.30pm though invariably this time could change with previous patients appointments over running.

The journey on the way down was somewhat long winded, the same old way to London, along big fast roads where the only various in landscape came from the cars that went past, the colours of the street lamps on the motorway and well… that was it!  Vicky decided that day to wear her favourite colours, which happened to mean big flared pink baggies, a pink strappy top and baby blue knitted zip up jacket with cute draw strings, and Ellen and Chris were asking lots of questions from Vicky.  Not so much about her past and various events that had happened, as they had done all that and the past months.  In fact she had been living full time for over two months by this stage, and she had pretty much proven even more to them that above all there was the proof that she was much happier, enthusiastic, attentive, caring and loving amongst many other positive aspects since she started living fully as a girl.  Ellen was more interested in what the administration of female hormones (oestrogen) would do, and Vicky delightfully talked about her skin getting softer, halting any further masculinisation, her breasts finally growing.  When Vicky said that Ellen sort of flinched as she looked at Chris who was trying to concentrate on his driving.

“So you will have breasts, then?” asked Ellen.

“Oh yes, they say about one size smaller than your mum/sister and maybe even the same as, if you start early enough” giggled Vicky.

Ellen smiled “I just can’t quite picture C cup boobs on you honey!  But I suppose as a girl you do want them rather than a stuffed bra!” Ellen joked.

“Definitely!” said Vicky.

Breasts though something Vicky never considered of high importance, more that she wanted her face and body to in general remain feminine and to still be 5’6″[1] tall and size six[2] shoes (though her feet had gotten bigger and she was getting closer to a seven[2]) she was happy her body looked as if it could be spared from reaching the heady heights her brother James was heading for.  Emily and James were staying over their aunt’s house that night as Vicky, Ellen and Chris would not be back until gone midnight.  But to continue where we left off, Vicky did indeed see the development of her bust, just as many other features of herself, as being important to her female identity, she sure heard the whimpering from a couple of friends who didn’t have any real bust sadly and how much it was such a sore point, that they lacked a basic part of what identified their femininity, and this was very much how Vicky felt.  Also, Vicky continued to explain the redistribution of fat around her body and indeed, the fact her bum and hips would become bigger, Ellen joked further saying to Vicky “your bum is big enough already” she joked, thankfully Vicky saw the funny side!

Eventually Chris pulled into a service station on the Motorway for half an hour’s break from the monotony of motorway driving, and to have something to eat and drink.  Thankfully it was a relatively warm and bright day, it could have been much worse with it raining all the way there.  After the brief stop, Chris carried on his way down the motorway to London, keeping an eye on the time, thankfully there was no real traffic jams, just those in London to worry about.   They arrived and parked up in a nearby street only to have to pay the large parking meter fees, not unusual in Central London, however they were early and decided to walk around Earls Court (the district of London where Dr. Russell Reid’s office was located) for half an hour or so, instead of waiting too long in his surgery.  Vicky was evidently very nervous by this stage and standing very close to Ellen, holding her hand and standing close, poor Chris felt a little left out, but then this was probably a mother daughter thing.

“You will be fine sweetheart” said Chris reassuringly.

“Thanks dad, your the best!” said Vicky reaching over to give him a hug as he locked the door.  So no longer did he feel neglected!  But soon enough Vicky grabbed hold of mum’s hand again as they walked down the road past Earls Court Tube station and past the exhibition centre, which was hosting a Caravan exhibition, something which didn’t interest them at all.  they walked down a few roads, past the shops and ended up looking in a book shop.  Eventually three o’ clock arrived and the three trotted off down the road to the clinic, eventually arriving only  minutes later, down the steep steps.  It suddenly dawned on Vicky this would also be the first time she would see another transsexual, in real life.  She knocked on the door, holding Ellen’s hand, and the door opened automatically.  They walked into the plush looking surgery, Vicky shut the door behind her.  Chris approached the receptionist and said who they were,

“My daughter has an appointment for three-thirty I believe?” he asked,

“Just let me check” said the receptionist “ahh yes, Victoria?” she asked.
“Yes, that’s me” said Vicky trying to smile through her nerves.

“Please do take a seat, would you like tea, coffee?” she asked.  The three sat down and agreed to coffee and waited in anticipation.

“He’s about fifteen minutes late running today, but he’ll be here soon”  the receptionist said sitting back down again at the paperwork.

Vicky sat next to Ellen resting her head on her shoulder and holding hands on her mum’s knee.  Eventually it was about quarter to three, there was only one other patient there, also a male-to-female trans person who was older than Vicky sitting quietly reading a magazine.  She had arrived just after them.  Eventually out the blue someone came out from the hallway to the rooms in the surgery, at first an older person, and then the man himself, Dr. Russell Reid.  Vicky knew what he looked like from a few television appearances he had made on documentaries regarding transseualism.  He went to his receptionist to instruct her what to do and to look who was next, it was Vicky’s appointment.  He turned around,

“Hi, Miss Victoria Jefferies?” he said, in his deep New Zealand accent.  Vicky got up to shake his hand

“Hi, yes I’m Vicky” she said still really nervous.

“Is it ok if I speak to her on her own to start with?” Dr. Reid said to Ellen and Chris

“Yes, yeah, that’s fine” said Chris doing the funny motion he tended to make with his head on agreeing with something.

“Will you be okay honey” asked Ellen smiling.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, see yas in a bit” she said.

Dr. Reid took her down the hallway to his office and offered her a seat on a plush green leather sofa, where the marks of wear and tear evidently showed where many had sat, and gone before her.  Something almost eerie about it, suddenly it felt like her life at home had disappeared, that Emily, James, her college friends, and even Alex were all so distant as she became full of her gender issues in her head.

“Don’t worry Vicky, you’ll be fine, so just relax, I’m not going to be too nasty” Dr. Reid laughed as he wrote down Vicky’s name on her file.

“Ok, it’s fine” she said saying a little white lie there.  She was fine, but was worried how the whole session would go.  Russell asked her a few questions, personal details at first, full name, home address and phone numbers, age and such like.

“Sixteen!  You’re the youngest patient that I see” he said.  Vicky chuckled not really knowing what the response should be.

“Ok well lets make a start” he continued smiling.

He began to question Vicky all sorts of questions, bits and pieces on her past, how she felt about her gender, school, her childhood, and all those kind of questions, Vicky soon relaxed with his calm and kind manner.  She then went on to explain recent events with her parents and how she was now living full time and had already changed her name.  This explained to Russell a lot of why she turned up dressed in feminine clothes, and had by now half decent sounding female voice!  She explained the daily ritual of what she had to do to get herself looking fine, and Russell complimented her on her looks.

“Thank you” Vicky said blushing,

“Ok, well my next questions are on sexuality and how much you have possibly explored this” he asked, not realising of course for Vicky this was a fairly simple matter!

“Have you explored your sexuality at all” he asked.

“Erm” Vicky paused “well at school I never had any relationships at all, because it would have felt so wrong to me”, Russell nodded as she continued “But I had my first crush on a boy when I was nine I think, and I have never fancied another girl, like, in that way, in the way I fancy boys” she said feeling the butterflies in her stomach come back.  “In fact since I have transitioned, I have had a boyfriend but we split up, however I met another guy…” she did not want to let on it was in fact her first crush! “…we met at the Fresher’s Ball the college studen’t Union held, and I think we may be going out…” she tailed off.

“Oh, so you have always I guess, seen yourself as a heterosexual woman and not as a homosexual man?” Russell asked.

“Definitely, I have never been a man and never been homosexual, otherwise I’d fancy other women!” she said with almost a light tone.  Russell smiled.

“So you don’t think at all your issues could stem from a denial of homosexualism perhaps?” he said just to make sure in his mind.

“Well at the age of four I knew what I was, a girl, like I say, and I didn’t have a sexuality then, let alone know I was homosexual at four and immediately deny it by being deluding myself into believing I was female.  I did wonder when I was eleven/twelve or so, before I found out the term transsexual, and so many people called me it…” she said sighing remembering the horrors “…but I have always known in my heart I am just a boring plain Jane boy loving woman!” she chuckled at the end.

“Ok, well I hope things with your boyfriend go well, does he know that you are transsexual as you say?” Russell asked.

“No, not yet anyway…” Vicky said thinking for a split second ‘is he trying to trip me up?’.

“Do your parents know about him” said Russell with an essence of concern.

“Yes, well they only know the basics” she said reassuringly.

“Ok, that’s good, for your safety of course” said Russell being very fatherly, and perhaps showing just how he earned his Uncle Russell name!

Eventually, Russell invited in Vicky’s parents after about an hour of questioning and ran through all the things Vicky had said and discussed with him.

“Of course in talking to, Vicky, here” he said “she does show a very obvious cross-gender behaviour, and I’m sure you also know how much happier she is as a girl” he continued.

“Oh definitely” said Ellen sighing and rolling her eyes “when she was, well when we thought she was our son, ‘he’ was so depressed, unhappy, moody, and well, I’m sure she has told you about what she attempted this year” said Ellen not managing to bring the words ‘suicide’ to her mouth.  “But now, she is so happy and fulfilled, we could never take that away from her and really accept her as our daughter” Ellen said turning to Chris.  Russell nodded.

“Oh definitely, she is like a new person, except we already kind of know her, she is very much like her sister” Chris said nodding his head.

“Good, good…” Russell said acknowledging her parent’s contributions.

“Well I’m sure you know she had also had some success in dating even!” Russell exclaimed with a little laugh.

“She had indeed, and met someone this Wednesday, didn’t you honey?” said Ellen almost patronisingly.

“Mum” Vicky said sounding a bit embarrassed.

“It’s ok, Vicky” reassured Russell “..well we have discussed a lot and I agree with her on her diagnosis of transsexualism, and would recommend that for the next three months a trial of female hormones…” said Russell much to Vicky’s approval.

He continued to explain the effects and potential side effects, and how she could get them on the NHS[3], and essentially as they were the contraceptive pill, on an NHS prescription they would be totally free!

“In three months if you feel that this is right for you, we can discuss your progress then?” Russell said rhetorically.

“Thank-you so much” said Vicky as she was handed the prescription.  She felt a year in her eye, at last she had what she always knew she needed.  Russell directed them to the nearest chemist where Vicky could at least get her first three month’s supply of hormones.  She shook Russell’s hand and said quite firmly

“See you in three months then!”, she knew with not an area of doubt this was the right thing for her.  Chris paid at the reception as they said good-bye and left the office, into the big world outside again.

The noise of cars, and everyday life came rushing back all of a sudden, as reality set back in and normality seemed semi restored from the haven that was the clinic they were just in.  They walked down the road to the chemists to buy the prescription Russell had given to Vicky, she also placed the letter for her GP and general note about being treated for male-to-female transsexualism in her handbag safely.  Eventually they entered the chemists and quietly explained where they had come from, the chemist was well know to Dr. Reid and seemed to be the place everyone went to for their first prescription!  Vicky handed over the money and walked out with over 3 months supply of hormones, or basically the pill.

As soon as she got back to the car, she took the first two for the day (having to take three every day, but best not to take them all in one go) and sat in the back of the car as Ellen and Chris looked on.

“What?” she said with a big grin!  “Were you expecting my breasts to pop out of my jumper as soon as I took them” she laughed.

“No, we’re just very pleased for you honey” said Ellen.

“I’m glad it went well too, now do you fancy eating out” said Chris smiling to Vicky.

“Yes, that’d be really cool” she said still smiling and clutching the strip of pills.

“Ok, well we better make a move!” said Chris as it was by now gone half past five, as they were in the clinic for around an hour and a half in the end.

So off they drove for a nice quiet meal, in a pub where nobody knew them, nor would they suspect anything, things for Vicky could only truly get better from this day onwards, and that they certainly would.

Chapter Eleven

Vicky was more than happy to have finally started on hormones; actually that is such a huge understatement as she was beginning to have her mind truly opened up to the wonders of how perfectly they would suit who she always knew she was and also bring out a pretty girl indeed.  Though she had college everyday; she managed to inspect her body’s progress day by day; though this practice would soon fizzle out as time would pass. She kept Emily and her mum updated on the progress that was being made.  Within a month; the main change that Vicky noticed and indeed dearly loved; was her mind’s emotions finally connecting up to her body.  So many times before now she had moments where she wanted to cry but could not; now she could, her smiles were really eminating from within; as joy and peace began to settle and calm the raging testosterone.

There was also physical changes  beginning to happen; Vicky did not look any different if the truth be told; but at the time she was picking out all the minor things – that of course; go on to make the big changes collectively; it was just lucky that for Vicky; her looks could still be feminine and like any girl’s – but the hormones now would ensure against any further damage being made.

“My hair is changing colour slightly!” she said to Ellen as they sat on the bed discussing her changes for that day!

“Has it?” responded Ellen rather surprised that maybe the hormones do also effect all the things that you would never expect; even if it was so slightly.

“Vicky, I was wondering whether down below has indeed got..”  hesitated Ellen, “…calmer” she finished asking the awkward question.

Vicky also paused as she thought how to answer the question; being reminded of her incongruity down below; something that subconsciously.

“Thankfully that has at last calmed itself; it doesn’t get too, well you know what happens to men when they get excited!” she said very quietly managing a bit of a titter as she tailed off.

“So you don’t get too many problems with Alex?” Ellen said carrying on her inquisition; or so it seemed; but Vicky and her mum had always talked very intimately; especially since coming out; after all the relationship had become so much more mother to daughter alike; and at last Vicky felt like she was truly being treated like her sister Emily.

“He doesn’t know still if that’s what you mean” she said.

“You like him don’t you?” said Ellen, seeing the sparkle and looks in Vicky’s eyes as she semi-dazed about him, as she opened her eyes wide open coming out of her daze.  At least now her dreams about boys weren’t just “some boy” but rather about a boy who she really did have something of a crush on; maybe those daydreams of having romantic weekend breaks away from home; and being swept off her feet on the perfect white wedding day were – at least a possibility.

“Sorry” she said realising she was having one of her moments “…well obviously I do really like him; and he is so handsome and also really nice, but he’s fun!” she tailed off before she started really going of a tangent.

Vicky’s time at college was also going very well; nobody who knew of her past had not even dare mention it and her studies were going very well indeed. She often had small tests which gauged her progress and essays; and she seemed to consistently attain A or B grades as she could concentrate much better; except for when Alex was on her mind; which wasn’t always as you could imagine.  They met up most lunchtimes; and chatted whilst sitting around a table in the canteen.  Nothing inspiring but all that mattered was the young love beginning to blossom; as Alex’s feelings for Vicky were deepening too; this was certainly not just Vicky with all the feelings.  However the issue of Alex not know about Vicky’s past was something of a strain for the poor girl; how would he react?  She had all of these genuine worries that weren’t making the relationship too uncomfortable; but in her mind she had always said that the only people that needed to know of her situation was her family, very close friends – but this turned out to be the people who knew her from school, who had thankfully stood by her and turned out to be good friends.  In fact this was not too unexpected; these girls tended not even to know her personally before but they just had the impression she was ‘strange’ and a ‘loner’; of course they now knew quite otherwise that she was just a very normal and down to earth girl.  Then of course the final person that she felt should ever know was her partner; and this was proving difficult, as she was so rightly worried this could spell the end of the relationship that had truly begun to blossom. Alex was potentially too much for her to loose, it would tear her heart out if it were to split them up, though she realised this would be within his rights.

Of course the other continual worry was that someone would ‘out’ her and destroy the life she had managed to build up for herself at last.  People were finally treating her properly at last, she didn’t feel like people were watching her every step and move with their beady eyes, ready to pounce and make a comment keeping her down, this just no longer happened, and the deep depressions and reclusiveness had really lifted from her life.  She xcs2w

was happy, and contented, all the things she wanted in her life; and maybe the final few pieces would fall into place in good time.

“Emily” said Vicky knocking on her door.  Emily opened the door with her headphones on.

“Yeah?” she smiled as she slipped her headphones off.

“Can we talk” Vicky asked, she was evidently beginning to get very concerned with how to talk to Alex.

“Yeah sure honey!” and duly Vicky walked into Emily’s room.

“It’s about me and Alex” she said as she perched on Emily’s bed.

“Why what’s wrong” Emily said with a worried look; was something out them just not working out?

“We’re fine, in fact it’s wonderful and he’s cooking a meal tonight around his which sounds really nice but i am worried about, you know having to tell him about you know that stuff!” she exclaimed.

“oh, well you know it’s your decision to tell him” Emily said feeling sorry for her sister that things in that way were not yet normal and that this issue would arise each time Vicky entered a relationship.

“Well otherwise it’s just going to be more lies and the worry of him finding out otherwise, it’s just a worry” she sighed.

“But your not lying!  You are you and that’s that!” exclaimed Emily.

“I know but i don’t mean it like that, in the future, children and why” she paused to catch her breath, “why I can’t you know”.  For Vicky this was the biggest problem in her life, that sadly for her she could never conceive.

“I’m sorry, I  didn’t mean to…” apologised Emily.

“It’s ok I just don’t know when, or even if I should tell him” continued Vicky.

“I can’t tell you what to do, but follow your heart and I’ll support and be there for you.”   Vicky held her arms out and hugged Emily dearly.

“Thank you sis, you’re the best”. said Vicky as she got up giving her sister a kiss on the cheek

“Hey tomorrow me and the girls are going to the cinema, do you want to come?” she asked Emily,

“Yeah, that’d be really nice, give me a shout when dinner’s ready Vic” said Emily as she placed her headphones back on.

Sure Emily hadn’t given Vicky the conclusive answer but at least she now had a good idea where she stood and that was she would have to tell Alex, and preferably not right on top of Christmas; in fact tonight’s candlelit supper looked like the perfect chance, tough the word perfect is perhaps not suited.  She didn’t want to risk loosing Alex, but then he deserved to know the full story.  It was made all the worse by the fact Vicky wasn’t post-operative with down below though that was due foe correction within the next two years – hopefully!

The evening came too quickly for Vicky; she spent her time deliberating what to wear, in the end she decided to wear something comfortable, so on with her baggy jeans; denim jacket and a cute baby blue top.  She picked up her handbag and kissed her mum goodbye; as everyone else was out!

“Have a lovely time honey!” said Ellen as Vicky walked out the door.

“I will, I’ll be back around midnight-ish!” she said smiling.  At least for Ellen she didn’t have to worry about Vicky “getting up to no good”; however she was worried about her safety because of her situation.

Alex’s house was only a ten minute walk from her house, so it was a nice easy walk  She took a deep breath and rang the door bell.  Soon enough Alex opened the door, smarty dressed in at least a nice light blue shirt.  She kissed his cheek as she walked in and Alex took her jacket and they sat down in the lounge, it was already dark dark outside and so they snuggled up on the sofa, Alex had his seventeenth birthday two weeks ago and was able to buy a bottle of wine from the off license; because he looked eighteen anyway!  Naughty but never mind, it was all in aid of their romantic night in.

“How’s your day been sweetie” asked Alex as he cuddled up with Vicky who was feeling somewhat awkward with the thought she would be telling Alex the possibly fateful news.

“Yeah, it’s been really nice thanks, only had half a day today so I’ve been home since about one” she said beginning to smile.

“Oh well that’s alright for some isn’t it love” Alex said smiling.

“Oi cheeky, I know you didn’t go today” she said grinning.

“Yeah well… smarty!” he grinned. 

The two cuddled up close whilst the meal was finally finished in the oven and chatting away, eventually Alex, popped off out to the kitchen to serve up, pour another glass of wine and light the candles.

“This looks lovely” smiled Vicky as she sat down in the dim but romantic lighting around the small table in the back room.

“I hope you like it sweetheart!” laughed Alex as Vicky drew him in with her hand behind his head to give him a kiss.  Alex had cooked steak, with new potatoes, and some vegetables, it looked wonderful as the two chatted away, with Vicky feeling more relaxed as they laughed and joked sipping wine.  Then Alex dropped the bombshell, after two months together, he told icky something she really wasn’t expecting as they finished the main course.

“Vicky, I know I have never told you this but, I love you” he said as he went to kiss her lips.

Vicky sat there with her stomach doing summersaults; the boy that had been the subject of many daydreams, had told her he loved her.  She felt a tear come to her eyes and she did begin to weep.  She put her arms around Alex and cuddled up to him and looked deep into his eyes, flicked her hair from her eyes and just told him very simply,

“I love you too” as she began to kiss him passionately…

After a while they decided to have desert which whilst just a tub of ice cream, cream chocolate cookies, Vicky and Alex’s favourite, that sat snuggled upon the sofa placing each spoonful into each other’s mouths, still laughing and giggling and playing around, with Alex dobbing ice cream on her nose!  The pair were perfect and had so much fun together.  Alex was Vicky’s man.  But for how much longer was the worrying question.

“Alex” she said tentatively having finished the ice cream “I need to talk to you about something, seriously” Vicky continued trying to dispel the otherwise happy playful atmosphere for something deadly serious.

“What was is it my munchkin” he said tapping her nose playfully.  Vicky giggled but composed herself again.

“This is serious” she sighed.

“Why, what’s wrong Vicky, tell me, you can’t be pregnant” said Alex again joking, his smile that became flat when he realised that wasn’t suitable for the time or place.

“It’s something you should know about, and” she breathed in deeply “could affect us.”  Vicky began to feel the tears run down her cheeks.

“You can tell me anything honey, anything, and we’ll get through it no matter what” Alex said reassuring.

“Alex, I have never lied to you, but you need to know the whole truth about me” she said biting her lip, Alex cuddled up closer to her touching her hand and holding her.

“Really, tell me, tell me” said Alex getting worried.

“Alex, I love you so much and never wanted to risk that, never in my life. I have never lied to you, i am what you see, the girl you have been going out with. But Alex, I’m” she paused and stuttered crying her eyes out.

“What sweetie, what?!” Alex said desperate to know.

“The medical professional calls me a transsexual” and she broke down and hung her head as if there was some shame, the words were cold, shocking and heart wrenching for her, and the poor boy.

“WHAT!” Alex jumped up with mouth wide open and looking totally shocked.  Vicky could not even manage a single word. as the tears flooded out head hung down and just the horrible, horrible cries of pain from her soul.

Alex just stood still, looking at her, sitting there alone, helpless, defenceless and vulnerable.  He could not move or speak…  

Chapter Twelve

Alex by now had managed to sit down next to Vicky who was still sobbing and couldn’t look at him in the face, she was so scared of what she would see in his face.  And he just sat there cold, thinking of something to say or do.  He was so confused, why was Vicky telling him this news, the thought that immediately entered his head, full of shock was spinning and not thinking straight.  He began to wonder about if down below, she still had the penis, and then even more overwhelming was the thought that she must have at least looked like a boy when she knew him at school, all those years ago. But he could not think of it, he just remembered her, but she did look like a girl back then as well.

“Vicky” he mustered in between the sniffing and crying coming from his girlfriend as he continued “you are the most caring, compassionate and loving girl I have ever met”.  Vicky sat silent and looked up at Alex with her big eyes the tears stopped for a moment and she reached her arms around Alex.

“I am so sorry” she mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry, we’ll – work it out” and the couple hugged closely on the sofa.

“Vicky, I don’t want to loose you over something like this, I still really love you deeply” he smiled. Vicky could not believe what she was hearing, she looked at his comforting face, the man she loved still loved her.  Alex was uneasy about learning the full extent of the situation, but he decided to take this one step at a time, because his feelings still remained the same.  Of course Alex had many questions but only some of which weren’t asked that evening, but the did at least confirm her operative status.  But somehow the evening managed to retain the closeness of the evening which had existed before.  In fact the close cuddles and kisses became even more  intimate and important; a new deepness and closeness was building between themselves.  Time was getting on and Vicky announced that it was about time that she began to make a move.  Alex walked her home hand in hand, until they reached Vicky’s porch lit by the ornate porch light.

“Well thanks for the special dinner, my special man” she smiled lovingly into Alex’s eyes.

“Only because my special lady was with me” Alex smiled, Vicky’s stomach flipped over and over every time he made her feel so special, Alex drew near as again they kissed and touched intimately, finally Vicky drew away nibbling on Alex’s upper lip, the playful girl that she was!

“I’ll give you a call tomorrow before you come over” said Vicky.

“Ok sweetheart, sweet dreams and don’t worry about erm, stuff!” again Alex smiled.

“You too” she said opening her door “love you babes!” as she gave Alex a peck on the cheek.

“Love you too honey!” said Alex as Vicky smiled and waved as she closed the door.  She ran over to the front lounge window and drew back the curtains to wave again to Alex and blow him a kiss, which he returned as he walked past.  The two lovers were very much still in love, and the reality that Alex had been so far so accepting only just laid proof to her feelings for him.  Meanwhile Alex walked on down the road kicking the loose chippings in the road whistling a happy ditty after the wonderful night he had with his girlfriend.


Vicky went to bed feeling a bit tearful but in a good way, she felt so contented with her life; sure she still had physical imperfections; but she had her job, her family, her college life and still so it seemed the man of her dreams. She sat on her bed and switched off her bedside lamp, cuddling up to her cuddlies and weeping a few years of joy as she made herself a snugly nest in her duvets as she drifted off to sleep.  Luckily for Vicky it was the weekend and she wasn’t needed at work until 6.30 in the evening, so she could sleep in as much as she like and that she did; in fact she didn’t get up until gone midday!

She wandered downstairs to meet mum in the kitchen looking to see how things went, Vicky reached into the fridge for milk for her bowl of cereal, honey nut corn flakes.

“Well, how was it then honey?” Ellen asked eager to hear the gossip, totally forgetting to say good morning!

“It was really nice, really very nice” she a little gruffly having just got out of bed, but smiling sweetly with a twinkle in her eyes recalling sitting in Alex’s lap placing spoonfuls of ice-cream in his mouth, just the thought was warming to her heart.

“So what did he cook his special lady” grinned Ellen.

Vicky giggled “He cooked steak, and then afterwards we had ice cream, we also shared a bottle of red wine, it was so nice” Vicky paused, “and I also told him about my issues” she tailed off.

“Oh my god honey!  Is he Ok with it?” Ellen gasped.

“Yes, he’s fine… and I still got a response from him when I blew him a kiss from the front lounge window” she smiled, rising her eyes up and sighing, the poor girl was being totally struck by love.

“Well am very pleased you lovebirds had a nice time, do you want a cup of tea honey?” asked Ellen.

“Yes please!”, Vicky was somewhat parched, but even more so she wanted a hug from her mum, and walked up to her and gave her a big loving hug.

“You’re the best, mum!” Vicky smiled hugging mum.

“Don’t say things like that, you know they’ll eventually go to my head sweetheart!” joked Ellen.

The day past quickly as they always did at the weekends, and duly Vicky had to leave for work, rushing off to do her job at the hotel, they had a big function on that night and she couldn’t be late.  She gave Alex a quick phone call knowing he probably wanted to chat with her about things, but she just arranged to meet him the next day, Sunday, because of work, thankfully things still seemed fine between them, even though there was a lot still to talk about.  Chris gave Vicky a lift into work, and not before long the hectic evening of serving the hotel’s guests was done, time always flew by at work as it was almost always busy, though it was incredibly tiring work.  Vicky finished work by 11pm and called Chris up to pick her up again; with it being dark she didn’t like getting the bus home alone.

And duly Sunday arrived, Vicky got up early as she decided it would be a good idea to at least chat with Emily about how things went, she knocked on her door and sure enough there was Emily awake watching Sunday morning TV with toast and jam and cuddled up with one of her favourite cuddlies!  She was still a bit tired as she hadn’t quite woken up fully, as she had been shopping the previous day with friends, as Christmas was looming.

“Hi honey, how’s you?” asked Vicky as she sat down on Emily’s bed.

“I’m fine, was work alright?” Emily asked smiling sweetly, with her half open eyes!

“Work was fine, boring but it’s a bit more money,” chuckled Vicky knowing it was not really that much more at all, but something.  “What you watching anyway?” she continued.

“Ahhh just CD-UK,” being as the two girls tended to look out what was on the music charts a fair bit.

“Cool, do you know who’s number one?” Vicky said still avoiding discussing her and Alex.

Dunno, think it’s Wamdue Project or something,” she said munching toast wondering when Vicky was going to drop her bombshell.  “So what’s up sis, you look like you got something on your mind.”

“Errr, well just things with Alex, that was all, I’ll talk to you later about it,” she said getting up sensing it was probably not the best of times.

“Hey sis, sit back down, talk to me about what you like, when you want,” Emily smiled switching off her TV and popping her plate down on the floor having munched all her toast.  She then picked up her duvet covers and placed them over and around her and Vicky.  “So come on babe, tell me all about it.”

“Ok, well I told him,” Vicky said rather bluntly, she just wanted her sister to know straight up, and just as Emily opened her mouth to ask, “and yes we are still together.”  Emily dropped her mouth closed, but not before long to open it again,

“Well that’s really good honey, give us a hug” she grinned holding her arms wide open.  Duly the two sisters hugged.

“I’m going around his to talk to him tonight, let him ask me stuff y’know, and if he wants to come around here and ask stuff, I think that would be good too,” Vicky carried on.  Emily quite liked Alex as well, but she just kept quiet on that but her blushing had not gone unnoticed by Vicky or Ellen!  James and Chris were nonchalant as usual!

“So you have told him you are, well you know, and well, that’s great new sis!” Emily beamed, so happy for her sister, because she knew Vicky really did care and have a big thing Alex.

“Thanks for your reassurance!  He was very shocked, and I broke down in tears, and thought he was going to throw me out, I mean he had every right to do so as well, but he was very shocked and eventually it all calmed down again and by the end of the evening he was there hugging and comforting me, and I guess I was too, I mean it’s him it matters so much too!” Vicky said carrying on.

“And you told him before or after the dinner, how was the dinner, was it romantic?”, Emily was into full inquisition mode by now wanting to know all the gossip, Vicky laughed, and answered

“Yes it was very romantic indeed, he is so sweet, lots of cuddles and he ending up putting dabs of ice cream all over my face, silly boy that he is!  So it was lovely, and he seems to be able to cook, unless his mum was hiding in the kitchen and she definitely wasn’t….” Vicky slid off into a temporal daydream thinking back to the night standing behind Alex, holding him around his waist as he stood cooking… how stupid but she loved it so much, it made her feel so warm and loved inside.  She re-awoke when Emily tapped her knee.


“Oh yeah” said Vicky smiling “well I told him after the dinner and like I say he was very shocked, but we’ll work things through”, for Vicky, things between her and Alex should be just fine, but she couldn’t be complacent, a gorgeous guy like him, in her eyes at least could easily just be ended at any moment, which was why Vicky urgently needed to talk to Alex to get everything out in the open and let him know the full truth, for Vicky, total honesty with someone she felt she was feeling love for was of paramount importance.

“Well sis, I’m sure you’ll be just fine, I mean he hasn’t outright just dumped you has he!” she said reassuringly.

“I suppose so Em’s, thank-you so much for always being here for me” Vicky said as she reached out to hug her sister, and they sat there for a while longer chatting away together until Ellen came in to find them both still in their pyjamas,

“Look you two it’s almost midday now and you haven’t even showered!” she laughed as she gave them the cup of tea she brought up for them.

“Mum” said Vicky ready to tell Ellen something

“Yes dear?” Ellen said sipping on her tea as she joined the other two girls sitting on the bed,

“I think Alex has invited me over for dinner around his place again, but like with his mum” she said insinuating she really should go around.

“That’s fine honey, just make sure you get washed!” Ellen chuckled as she got up off the bed to go and prepare dinner for the others.

“I’m going to shower now Em, so…” Vicky said almost finishing

“No your not sis!” Emily jumping off the bed and running into the bathroom locking the door on herself.  Vicky ran after her

“Hey cheeky minx!!  You always do that!” she said laughing listening to her sister giggling away in the bathroom.

“Well next time don’t tell me you need to shower stinky” joked Emily laughing away.

“Who you calling stinky?!” Vicky pouncing back but being jokey, she knew her sister was only playing around, so duly she went back to her room, decided what to wear that day and read one of her magazines.

Vicky left the house around 1pm in the end to see Alex, and also have dinner with his mum, she didn’t plan on talking to his parents about anything of the nature she wanted to discuss with Alex, as she felt for the time being they did not need to know, again as Alex lived close by.  Alex’s mum opened the door, Vicky was not feeling too nervous, just a bit worried at the back of her mind about seeing Alex again and how things would go later.

“Hello Vicky, do come in” Alex’s mum, Natalie.

“Thanks, Alex is in yeah?” she asked knowing he was out most Sunday mornings.

“Yes, he got back from football practice a while ago and hopefully he’s been in the shower, but you know boys!” she laughed.

“Yeah….” she Vicky uncomfortably remembering the antics of the morning not having showered that early herself! “I’ll see if he’s ready” Vicky smiled.

“Sure, I’m sure he’s looking decent” Natalie laughed.  Duly Vicky trotted off up the stairs and knocked on Alex’s door, there was music blaring out from the room, which was immediately turned right down in volume and Alex opened the door.

“Ooh still in your football kit, and still all muddy” was Vicky’s first greeting, rather liking Alex in his kit!

“Mmmm, yeah, I’m sure you don’t mind!” he laughed knowing she liked it a lot, especially the way she was all over him when she went out with his footballing mates when they got all dolled up in their dinner jackets.  Duly Alex let her in properly and Vicky gave him a kiss.

“Sorry I haven’t been around sooner, just been so busy honey” she said smiling away looking at his legs from time to time.

“It’s ok, last Friday evening wasn’t all that long ago, but your here now, and that’s all that matters” he said smiling.

“Hmmm yeah, whats for dinner, do you know?” Vicky asked trying to look as if she wasn’t just going all ga-ga over him in his kit.

“Dunno….” he said checking his mobile for messages, suddenly feeling Vicky’s hand running up his legs “…hey so thats all your interested in innit” he laughed as he grabbed Vicky and the hugged rolling about on the bed kissing intimately.  One think that was getting so much better for Vicky was her sensitivity, in her body, she didn’t feel so disconnected from the way her body felt when Alex touched her softly, it felt so right for her, and so good as well, obviously the hormones were doing all the right things. 


As Vicky drew away she soon realised she had mud all over her top, she quickly took of Alex’s top, took hers off and put on his football shirt.

“Now lover boy, you promise you’re going to get clean and smell nice after this” she grinned.

“Oh sure, but we’re busy right” as he smiled wryly and then sneakily launching his hand towards Vicky stomach as he went to tickle her, which caused spates of laughter and silliness…

Eventually Alex got up to go for the shower, Vicky kept the football shirt on for the time being as she brushed down her top and watched Alex wander into the bathroom with nothing but his boxer shorts on!  What a tease he was!  She went downstairs after she brushed down her own top and helped his mum with laying the table and finishing off the dinner, and just chatting about how college was, and obviously, Alex.  Who soon enough came trotting down the stairs, looking a bit more respectful, dinner wasn’t quite ready so Vicky sat with him on the sofa in the lounge as he watched the football results on TV and they chatted away about what they had been up to that day.  Natalie called for dinner and they all sat around to the gorgeous smelling roast dinner, Vicky thanked Alex’s mum as they all tucked into their food, with a bit of chatter between Vicky and Natalie, about what she had been up to that week, and Vicky asking about Natalie’s boyfriend, which was all fine, but he was out around his mum’s house fixing a leak in her bathroom.  All the fun things in life!  Eventually the plates were pretty much cleaned right up and the two thanked Natalie who took the plates out and brought in apple pie and custard.  Vicky felt so at home there, as if it was her second home, she got on very well with Natalie, and though she hadn’t seen her boyfriend much who was seemingly no doubt in line to become Alex’s step dad; she felt so comfortable, even though Alex did have his hand on her knee.  And for a relationship that had only been going for two months or just over; the two had just clicked perfectly, how such a perfect thing should have come about is of pure coincidence really.  However, it is clear that Vicky deserved it, she deserved something good in her life, the days of being punched in the stomach for being naturally feminine, spitting at the mirror as she despised the ‘freak’ that stared back were all gone, and he she sat at the table with Alex and his mum feeling warm, loved and happy.  When Natalie cleared everything up, they went back to the lounge and sat on the sofa cuddling up to each other, chatting away and generally just being cuddled up like any couple.

“Alex, you know if you ever want to ask me anything about, well you know, stuff, we, well, you can ask me, but if we talk in your room, quietly, it’s up to you, oh I should be quiet, don’t want to ruin the moment” she said leaning on this shoulder looking up to him with her hand on his chest, feeling his heart beating.

“Thanks, maybe I will in time, but I’m fine at the moment, just don’t tell anyone else, because we should work this out between ourselves for the time being” he said seeking reassurance.

“Don’t worry, just me you and my family, I won’t tell your mates about me, that’s the last thing I would ever do, they don’t need to know” she said.

“Good, well all that matters at the moment is we’re still together, and I still love you as much if not more than the last day, and everyday that goes by I will love you even more because you’re my little Vicky and that’s all that matters” he said tickling her chin and smiling into her eyes.

Vicky felt choked and tearful, in fact the tears did come, all she could do was begin to kiss him as she couldn’t speak for a moment,

“I love you so much too” Vicky said back finally gathering herself, beaming at Alex.

Alex reached out and gave her a hug and peck on the cheek as he looked over to the kitchen to see his mum leaning on the door frame looking over at the love sick puppies.

“Mum!” he yelped!

“What just looking, at the TV” she said turning around laughing and muttering to herself “Ahhh young love”, feeling so proud for her boy who had found a nice girl.

Chapter Thirteen

Christmas had been and gone, new year had begun and Vicky’s progress on the hormones was a very positive factor, having been on them for around five months come March of 2000, and of course that was not the only anniversary; as it now meant Vicky and Alex still being together, had been so for five months as well.  Physically Vicky was enjoying the potent effects the hormones were having, being young, the effects were felt much quicker and more effective.  Her skin had become softer and definitely of a more feminine texture and glow and she began to feel her hips begin to widen and again soften, her face had slightly changed its appearance as well, but these were all gradual things that she was truly beginning to enjoy the effects that she had so longed for were finally beginning to take place.  She had long given up on the daily updating of Emily or Ellen, it just lapsed and no longer did she feel the need to scrutinise her looks either to look for changes, she was confident and happy with her life and herself at long last.

She had paid another visit to her psychiatrist in the time that had past, back in January who was keeping a close eye on her progress, but coming up to half a year full time, it was only a matter of time that she could hopefully start the process of having the final surgery, which at last did not seem an impossibility or a mere dream; but a reality and indeed as said, just a matter of time.  However Vicky did not like to dwell on it, most of the day it wasn’t an issue to her at all, except morning and night when she was graphically reminded of the deformity below, but it was out of sight and out of mind most of the time.  College was also going fine as was her social life, which was something she was still enjoying having.  She worked hard and achieved good results, but that did not stop her letting her hair down in the evening and going out to a club, or to the cinema and maybe even indulging in some shopping when she had managed to get some money together.  Emily had only just split up with Darren, and it was quite clear that she was upset about this for quite a few weeks, as it was him who had dumped her, and it was her first boyfriend.  However, Ellen and Vicky stuck by her in this time which Emily felt a bit down and sorry for herself, it scared Vicky seeing Emily down, she had never seen her chirpy happy sister down before.  Well, maybe upset because James had hidden one of her dolls when she was younger  – but nothing compared to poor Emily at the moment.  One evening Vicky decided to see if she was a bit more chatty, she had not been very talkative in the past few weeks.  Vicky knocked her door lightly and her Emily inside mumble quietly, she was just laying on her bed reading a magazine.

“Hey Ems, still not feeling good huh?” Vicky said closing the door quietly behind her and perching on her bed.

“Does it look it?” answered Emily sarcastically, then realising that her sister was only there trying to help. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that” she continued as she put her magazine down and sat up.

“Don’t be sorry, I know your upset and fed up with me and mum always nagging you trying to help, but I just don’t like seeing my sister so down and upset” Vicky said putting her arm around Emily.

“It’s ok, I don’t mind, but you’re both too kind” said Emily still looking down on herself.

“Now now!  It’s only because we all love you and hate seeing you like this Ems, and that is never too much to ask” Vicky smiled at her trying to reassure her that she was not a burden.

“Thanks sweetie” Emily said managing a little smile.

“When was the last time you saw your friends out of school anyway?” asked Vicky.

“I haven’t since me and well, you know, split up, I can’t be bothered, it’s too much effort” Emily sighed. 

Vicky felt a shiver down her spine, remembering herself saying similar things in years gone by, can’t be bothered, too much effort, she could understand completely how that felt and it was never good.  Problem was, empathising with the feelings Emily was expressing was also vividly disturbing in a way, she pretty much knew how Emily was feeling and it was distressing.

“I guess you must have really liked him, huh?” Vicky questioned further, knowing it was a difficult subject to touch upon; something of a raw nerve, but she had to start working things out for Emily.

“No I hate him” Emily snapped back, again reeling back, it was a raw nerve, she paused and bit her lip “I didn’t mean to snap at you, Sorry, I’m sorry” she paused, noticing Vicky was smiling unscathed with a comforting look but noticeably trying to draw out what Emily really felt “I really liked him and I thought he liked me and all he could do was send me a text message to dump me…” she said beginning to sob.

“Hey hey babes!” said Vicky reaching out to hug Emily “You have to let it all out and get it out of you, cry, shout, scream as much as you like, because things will get better and I’ll make darn sure of it!” Vicky smiled with a plan in her mind.

“But how could he do something like it, he could have told me face to face, now he just looks away from me at school when I see him and it hurts so much” sobbed Emily.

“I know, I know… When me an Seb split up, ok it wasn’t as bad as this, but I felt down, and you know there will always be somebody else. someone more special, more loving…” and the she joked “…and even sexier with more money” she laughed, seeing it bring a smile to Emily’s face.

“I know you are so right, but it’s hard to see it now” quipped Emily.

“Yes, I can understand that, but I’m going to help you move on, so that a lucky, more deserving bloke is one day going to see you and sweep you off your feet, now your going to get dressed after getting in that shower, and we are going to go shopping madam, and have some fun” Vicky smiled broadly, standing up hands on hips, firmly.

Emily chuckled and smiled standing up to giver her sister a big hug and a kiss.

“You know sis, you really are a right bossy one aren’t you” Emily said smiling as she walked towards the bathroom.

“I know, that’s what big sisters are for!” Vicky smiled, closing Emily’s door behind her to finish getting ready herself.

Emily soon emerged from the bathroom, hair washed and looking a lot better for herself in just getting washed, she dried her hair and Vicky pulled some clothes out of the wardrobe for her, it was a bright day outside and warm, Vicky had been shopping only the past weekend but still had time for more, she herself was dressed in a simple strappy pink top and white zip up jacket and again a small denim skirt .which Ellen frowned at first, but soon realised if that’s what she liked!  However, Alex shall we say – he kind of like legs on his women and it was no different when it came to his girlfriend and what he preferred her in.  Vicky pulled out some similar clothes for Emily to make the best of her, again a slightly longer denim skirt, darker in colour, with a plain coloured primrose yellow top and her denim jacket.  She threw them towards Emily who picked them up and smiled at Vicky, for making her do something, rather than moping around.  She dried her hair, put on the clothes and took the time to put some makeup on (something she hadn’t done in the past few weeks since she lacked all effort and interest in herself.  Eventually she got the thumbs up from Vicky and off the two girls trotted downstairs.

“Off somewhere are we” said Ellen pleased to see Emily looking a bit more like herself.

“We’re going into town to do some shopping!” beamed Vicky.

“Again, I mean you only went…” Ellen tailed off realising it was a good thing for Emily “well, have a good time, let’s hope the retail therapy does some good!” Ellen smiled, reach over to give the two girls a peck on the cheek.  “Be safe you two, ok!” Ellen yelped as they shut the front door.  She just nodded and wondered whether Vicky was a good or bad influence at times.  Ellen had the whole house to herself.  So she put the kettle on, made a nice cup of tea and sat down to put her feet up in the lounge.  And just as she did, in came James’ friends from football practice, the loud lads had descended and Ellen never did get her moment’s peace and quiet!

“So what are you looking for today Vicky?” Emily asked as they sat on the bus on the way into town.

“Not sure, got most of the things I wanted last week, but probably another pair of jeans and a cap or something, but more importantly missy, what are you looking for?” she asked.

“Oh the usual, 6′ tall, handsome, dark hair…” joked Emily, cheeky soul she was.  Vicky sighed and smiled broadly at her

“Now if I saw a bit more of that now and again I’d be a very happy sister!” she laughed.

“What the 6′ fella?” Emily continued to joke.

“No….” Vicky paused “…well yes, but that’s not what I meant, oh well, I’m just glad to see you a bit more like, well, you!” she continued.

“Thanks sis” said Emily giving her sister a little peck on the cheek.  However behind them sat a bunch of thirteen year old lads, Emily’s age and even the slightest sign of two women being affectionate caused them to joke, rather loudly.

“Hey Lesbians!” shouted one of them.  Emily and Vicky froze, that was a bit unexpected!  What should they do, ignore it or try and get one better.  But as they were quickly plotting Emily turned around and saw with them, Darren, the big grin on his face soon turned to horror as he tried to look away.  Emily knew she had to say something, and sure enough she did.

“Well after going out with you Darren, it’s enough to make any girl a lesbian, looser boy!” Emily said striking out with rare venom, Vicky sat their mouth wide open not believing for one moment.  Quietness descended, between the girls and the lads at the back.  Until the rest of the lads turned around at Darren and started laughing at him.  Within the three Jeffries girls, that being Ellen, Vicky and Emily – their lay a very bitchy streak that hardly ever was called upon from their mouse-like ways, but when they struck – the victim knew about it.  Vicky looked at Emily grinning and whispered in her ear “You gotta teach me how to strike out like that honey!” she laughed.

“No problem, but I think this is our stop!” answered Emily.

The two girls got off the bus and waved cheekily up at the lads, who were quite red-faced by the events on the bus, none the less they started their shopping trip and time flew by.  Emily looked so much happier and much more like herself again.  Come lunch time the girls had pretty much found all the bargains they could hope for, plenty of tops, Vicky found some very nice flared jeans with pretty decals and designs on them, ideal for going out, and Emily found some very cute pink trainers, and the essential wardrobe item – the small black dress.  She bought it with no occasion in mind, just that she loved it and went for it.  The two crashed out in a nearby coffee shop and had something to eat and a drink to recharge their batteries.  They had decided to go to the cinema later on to complete the day, but would have to see if dad could pick them up, after all they didn’t fancy the thought of carrying shopping bags to the bus station at six o’ clock.  As they sat in the bay window of the coffee shop.  Emily noticed Alex walk by outside and immediately without thinking tapped on the window to him, of course it had not escaped Vicky’s attention.

“Be back in a mo sis!” she jumped out of her seat and collared him outside, and gave him a little peck on the cheek and led him into where they were sitting.

“Hi Ems” Alex said as he pulled up a seat.  “You feeling better, Vicky said you have been having a bad time” he smiled making conversation.

“Yes… didn’t know Vicky had told you, well I’m feeling better now thanks, and I suppose you can see we are shopping today!” she smiled.  Alex looked to the floor and the numerous bags, Alex looked around at Vicky

“I hope these aren’t all yours, we only went last week you know” he joked.

“And?” Vicky smiled back ready to playfully poke her tongue out at him.

“Oh well what do I know, I suppose it’s ok if I grab a drink” Alex asked looking at the time.

“Yeah sure, we haven’t finished eating yet anyway” Vicky said, just before Alex got up she have him another kiss.

“Hey Emily, I hope Alex turning up isn’t upsetting, it wasn’t planned at all!” Vicky said just making sure Emily was fine.

“It’s no problem at all for me so don’t worry!” Emily smiled.

Alex came back and plonked himself down with a coffee, took a big slurp only to cause some laughter from the girls as they realised his cappuccino froth was all over the tip of his nose.

“What!?” he exclaimed.

“Oh nothing” giggled Emily wanting to make the most of the moment in a humorous manner, Vicky burst out in laughter again only to draw the attention of the whole coffee shop at this point.  People turned around and smirked at poor Alex, who immediately after that caught on and, grabbing a napkin and wiping his nose.

“What did I ever do to you, especially you Emily” he joked.

“Oh, don’t get me started!” she laughed back.

“Ok I’m going to be quiet now because you always have something to get the better of me!” he sighed, though smiling.

“So honey, what have you been doing today in town?” asked Vicky who had stopped laughing by this point.

“Ahh well just in town with a few of the guys, checking out this new football game for the Playstation, it’s really cool, and you can do all these moves, and the graphics wow they are out of this world, super cool 3D modelling…” he tailed off noticing Vicky though lost interest at the moment he uttered Playstation, was just smiling into his eyes.  Emily got up to go to the loo, and that was Vicky’s, and admittedly Alex’s chance as well.  She leaned over and gave him a big kiss on his lips, and sat back.

“I couldn’t do that with Em’s around, what with her in such a fragile state of mind, hope you understand” Vicky explained.

“Yeah sure, it’s totally fine, you know you’re a very good sister to be there for her in such tough times.”  Alex said admiringly.

“Hey well she has been there from the start for me with absolutely everything and this is nothing compared to that!” she explained.

“Well I think it’s great you two get on so well” he smiled.

Emily wandered back and nudged Vicky as if to say ‘hurry up!’ as they only had a couple of hours left shopping before going on to the cinema.

“Hey look babe we’re off to do more shopping, and time is getting on” Vicky said picking up her bags.

“Ok that’s fine, well I was only on my way back to the bus station anyway so  that’s fine, I’ll give you a call tonight, yeah?” said Alex.

“Sure that’s great”, Vicky paused waiting for Emily to pick all her bits and pieces up. “Ready sis?” she asked.

“Yip, ready to go!” said Emily

“I’ll speak to you soon then honey” Vicky said as she reached out to kiss Alex.

“Yeah, will do!” Alex answered “And Em’s take care of yourself too!” he continued, he was so sweet and loving.  He wasn’t the far too nice kind of guy as he could be laddish, he was exciting, funny, but he was sensitive, caring and loving.  This was obviously what set Vicky’s heart pounding when it came to Alex.

“Thanks, you too, and look after my sister!” Emily joked as they left the coffee shop.

The day past quickly enough and as planned they went to the cinema to watch a film, and by the end of it they were dropping.  Vicky had phoned Chris up much earlier on and low and behold, their knight in shining armour, dad, turned up to pick them up.  Just before they got in the car Emily gave Vicky a huge hug and began to cry a little.

“Vicky, you are the best sister ever! Thank-you so much for everything” she said sniffling away.

“Hey it’s nothing and it’s not as if I need any persuading to go shopping now is it?” she smiled.

“No, but you could have done whatever you wanted to do today but you spent it with me” Emily continued.

“Today I did do what I wanted to, and not only that, just you remember I have thirteen years to make up to you for all the times you have been there for me!” she said holding both her hands.  “So when we get back, we’re going to have fish and chips, because I told mum I’d get them in and that will be our perfect day” Vicky smiled again.

“I cannot believe you were once honestly thought of as a boy!  You are the coolest!” she yapped out.

“SSSSSHHHHH!” Vicky laughed.

“Ooops… sorry!” said Emily quite forgetting no one else around knew.

“Don’t worry, you’re forgiven” Vicky said.

The two girls jumped in the car as Chris pulled up and told him all about their bargains and their day.  Of course, his entire input was mainly yes or that’s nice when really he was thinking Wonder what’s for dinner? or something else, but most of all, at least he was thinking thank goodness I have two happy daughters back!

Chapter Fourteen

The summer was soon looming again, and almost one year full time and examinations were all on the horizon; it was extraordinary how quick the year had past by; and Vicky was due for her appointment with Russell Reid; with regards to finding out her surgery options that lay ahead for Vicky.  In another year’s time she would be eighteen and eligible to have the operation.  She was still with Alex, and Emily had let the upset of the past go, and was back to her normal self.  It was coming up to her next appointment with her gender psychiatrist in London, and she hoped to at last raise the issue of surgery.  Indeed it was still another year until Vicky would reach the required age of eighteen, but soon, in two months she would have completed the other minimum requirement; the one year long “Real Life Experience”.  Vicky however, hated all these terms, and just preferred if anything to say ‘full time’.   

Of course even in the short while that Vicky had been on the required medication, she had at last begun to revel in the delights of her breasts developing, and even the tiny hint of curves beginning to shape her with the soft skin the hormones had also changed on her for the better.  How she loved it sitting down seeing her clearer skin, far less hair, in its feminine glow, and to finally touch the softness and warmness that came from within was nothing short of breathtaking.  And of course Alex was very pleased that at last his girl was becoming more and more happy with herself by the day, but that his girl was soft to touch, something he did kind of notice before Vicky told him the full truth; but he thought nothing of it, being as he hardly could say what the average for girls skin texture was!

The day came for Vicky and her parents to make the trip to London, the fifth of May.  However first of all they drove down to Alex’s house which rather confused her.

“Err.  Why are we at Alex’s” asked Vicky, peering out of the passenger side window to see Alex step out the door, walk through the front gate, and towards the car

“A surprise honey” smiled Ellen.  Alex jumped into the back of the car as well, and gave Vicky a kiss, whom was still rather confused.

“I thought you might appreciate some support my girl” Alex said calmly.

“Well….” Vicky stuttered.

“Don’t worry, it’s no effort for me, and hey I get to see you my sweetie” he grinned.

“I guess!”  Vicky laughed, feeling a little taken aback by his kind presence and gesture, and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Thanks, it means a lot to me” she continued.

She sat there smiling for a while at him, a little bit embarrassed that her parents were around.

“So what is it you are wanting to bring up today honey” Alex asked, an hour of the journey having passed and only now having got the courage to actually now enquire about the actual meeting that lay ahead with the psychiatrist.

“Well I knew this would be rather hard to explain” she paused “but it’s mainly to do with the operation, so I kinda understand you may not be very erm, comfortable with discussing such a subject” as she petered out.

“Well it’s not something I really think about to be honest, but is this just to do with perhaps organising things for the future?”, said Alex clearly being reminded in black and white her true anatomical state which he was of course not quite comfortable thinking about, and almost mentally he went to shake his head of the idea.  He breathed in at the thoughts,  and cleared his mind, took a look at Vicky and her long hair, her cute face and soon he was feeling a lot better reminding himself that he certainly did have a girlfriend.  Of course for Vicky is was almost the same too, she did not wish to think of it, and psychologically she never ever felt she did indeed have a penis, and frankly she never thought of it either, it was just horrible, and wonder she was so desperate to have at least start on the path to having the issue rectified as soon as possible; though that still laid at least a further year away.

“Basically, yes.  It’s to sort out the plan of action over the next year.  And also to possibly start another drug to aid the process, and I suppose on easier ground, just to let him know how things are going really” she smiled, placing her hand on Alex’s who had gone rather quiet with various thoughts. Alex smiled back and reassured Vicky,

“Hey I’m alright, I just find it difficult to grasp these things, all that matters is” Alex went quiet realising Vicky’s parents were right there and felt embarrassed, leant over to Vicky’s ear and whispered, “all that matters is that you are my girlfriend and you know, I really, really like you for who you are”.  Vicky laughed and gave him a hug, as best as she could stuck in the car.


Four hours had past and finally they had got to London in good time, parked up and decided to go for coffee before they went into the office. The four chatted away about issues other than what was laying ahead, and soon had to drink up as they realised what the time was.  They arrived to the clinic in good time, and Alex walked in with a bit of trepidation, stepping into the unknown almost.  He sat down tentatively next to Vicky who talked in hushed tones reassuring her boyfriend that it was alright and that if he changed his mind about going in, he could.

“No, No!  I want to come in with you, I want to be there for you.  This was my decision to come along and here I am” he said rather adamantly.

“Well you know I highly appreciate that” Vicky smiled leaning on his shoulder.

“Don’t worry Alex, he’s a very nice man, and I’m sure you will be quite fine” reassured Vicky’s dad.

“Thanks” Alex said back.

Eventually Russell popped out from his consultation room and shook another patient’s hands, it was an older lady and Alex’s stomach turned inside him, what on earth was he letting himself in for, this was hardly the stuff he really wanted to hear.  Then it dawned on him a couple of other people in the waiting room were looking at him to work out whether it was him or Vicky that was seeing Russell, he immediately looked away feeling really uncomfortable.  Russell called them in and shook Vicky’s hand.

“So who have you brought along today Vicky?” referring to Alex as they sat down and he shut the door behind him.

“Oh, I’m Alex, Vicky’s boyfriend” Alex answered without hesitation wishing to clear up who he was!

“Ahhh I see, I think Vicky mentioned you when I saw her in January earlier this year” he smiled.

“Yes, this is him” Vicky smiled placing her hand on Alex’s knee, who had relaxed a bit by then.

“So your here just to support her I guess Alex?” Russell asked.

“Sure, yeah, it was a surprise as her parents are out there too” he said a lot more like himself.

“So how have things been for you Vicky since I saw you last?” Russell asked after pausing to look at her notes, in his endearing New Zealand accent.

“Well, it’s been fantastic, things have truly changed so much….”

The meeting lasted for about forty-five minutes and eventually they both emerged happy enough and Alex not at all phased by what he had heard, and quite pleased he had come along.  Good news had been heard all around and on the way to somewhere to eat for the evening, they ran through all that had been discussed, which was primarily about the very good news of starting the progress towards surgery the following year.  Russell was to write to Vicky’s GP who had been supportive so far in converting her prescriptions to NHS ones, who would find out about her funding for the operation in Brighton, South East England in a small place known as Woodingdean.  Of course Vicky was over the moon with this, but all hinged on whether her local health authority would agree to funding, which would be of around £9,000, a figure Vicky’s parents could not afford, let alone Vicky who was paying for her private sessions with Russell Reid out of her wages.

They found a pub not too far from where Vicky and her family used to live, west of London many years ago, before they moved to where they lived at present, it was just in a small pub, which was pleasant enough and this was the first time Alex had really eaten out with Vicky and her parents.  Vicky decided to give Emily a call to see how things were and walked over to the payphone, leaving her confident man it seemed nattering away to her parents.  She put the twenty pence piece in and waited for an answer and eventually Emily answered.

“Hello?” Emily said on the other end.

“Cooo-eeeee Em’s!” Vicky cheerfully said down the phone. “I can’t be long but just calling to see if everything is cool?” she continued to ask.

“Yeah fine, James has gone out with his mates playing football, the pig!” Emily said mopingly.

“Why what’s he done?” Vicky asked.

“Well it ended up me doing the dinner, spaghetti bolognaise, fine I thought, the slob he is” Emily went on.

“uhhuh…” Vicky said listening.

“Well I had to answer the door to Jasmine, she’s over here right now, just having a girlie night in, anyway James decided to dish his dinner up and took pretty much all of it!” she whinged.

“Well that’s brothers for you! Look there’s probably five quid in my room go and take that and get you and Jasmine some chips or something from the chippy” Vicky said evidently in a buoyant mood.

“Really, I couldn’t!” Emily said, even though she loved the sound of getting chips.

“Take it, just to spite James if anything” insisted Vicky.

“Oh… Ok!  Thanks sis, you the best!” Emily said in her teenage English! “So how was your day?”

“Yeah really good, tell you about it tomorrow as we will be back late” Vicky explained.

“Ok hunnie, well I’ll let you go and thanks for the money honey!” thanked Emily.

“No problem, take care and say Hi to Jasmine for me!” Vicky said.

“Yeah sure, safe journey to you all” Emily said.

“Yeah… Bye hunnie! Money almost gone!” Vicky said quickly.


“Bye!” said Vicky back as the payphone cut her off.

Vicky wandered back to the table and just let Chris and Ellen know that everything was alright and what James had done, which was no surprise to anyone.  They chatted away for another hour, paid the waitress and got in the car for the three or so hour drive back home.  Something Chris was not relishing as he was the onoly driver there, except Alex was learning.  And if his current standard of driving, Chris was quite glad to drive home rather than let Alex loose!

Back at home Emily was busy washing up and the door bell rang, it was one of Vicky’s friends.

“Hi there, I’m Danielle, Vicky knows me from college” she said.

“Oh right…” said Emily.

“Just she said I could pick up some notes for a lesson we have tomorrow, has she left them?” she asked.

“Not that she told me, she might have left them in her room as there was a few bits and pieces on her bed when I went up there a few moments ago” Emily said. “Go and get them, I’m sure that’s what you need”.  Emily was very trusting and had seen Danielle before now, but not known her by name.

“Thanks sweetheart, I won’t be a minute”.  Emily went back to the kitchen to put the dishes away,and Danielle went upstairs to Vicky’s room.

Sure enough the pieces of paper on the bed were the notes Danielle needed, and as she walked out she noticed one of Vicky’s bras on the floor, for some reason rather than just leaving it, Danielle saw Vicky’s top draw ajar and muttered to herself “Someone was in a rush this morning” she laughed and opened the draw and put the bra back.  Just as she went to close the draw, she noticed her passport.  And being unusually nosey for Danielle she thought it would be funny to see yet another gormless passport photo.  She pulled it out of the draw and flicked to the back. She was not ready for what she saw… It was not Vicky’s name, though the photo bore a resemblance to her, and then by the words sex, it did not say F for female, but M, for male…

Danielle froze and dropped the passport back, confused, but knowing something she never expected of Vicky, was that she was… She had a history she rightly wanted to hide.  Danielle did not know what to do, she walked down the stairs with the notes, thanked Emily, and left the house.  As she waked down the path she looked at the notes, looking at Vicky’s cute handwriting and the words “Vicky Jefferies”.  She did not know what to believe, did she tell Vicky’s other friends who she felt may need to know.  Did Alex know?  Maybe she should tell Vicky, or keep quiet.  Back in the car, Vicky fallen asleep on Alex’s shoulders, blissfully and innocently unaware that very soon her whole life could be left in ruins…  

Chapter Fifteen

A few days quickly passed by, after Vicky’s trip to London that had gone so successfully, and life seemed very much normal, of course Danielle had seen Vicky at college, but she was behaving oddly; at least in Vicky’s eyes.  She was not making any attempt to talk to her, yet Danielle did seem to be looking at her more.  Vicky was very curious as to what was wrong, they were not the closest of friends admittedly, but certainly they were never like this around each other before.  On one lunchtime, Vicky sat down at the table where Danielle was sitting for lunch, immediately Danielle looked curiously uncomfortable.

“Hey there” Vicky said very chirpy.

“Hi” Danielle uttered solemnly.

She was going through a major ordeal, she did not know whether to tell Vicky about the passport she found, she was not even sure if this ‘evidence’ lead to what she believed, which was in fact correct.  For Vicky she was very happy to keep herself in stealth, where no one knew or needed to know of her gender history.  Except of course loved ones and those she was especially close to, such as Alex.  Danielle had further problems, did she tell Vicky there and then, or tell someone else before, did Alex know?

“You did get my notes?” Vicky asked as Danielle took a bite of her sandwich.  She saw this as her opportunity and made her decision.

“I did, you know…” she paused and backed down “….doesn’t matter” she said looking at Vicky’s face for signs she was, is, had been or had anything like a boy.  She looked at the face, just an average female face, she was not tall at 5’6″, she sounded like a girl, and well looked as she always did, nothing if truth was told majorly stunning about her, but just pretty.

“What?  Is something up?” Vicky asked. There was an awkward silence as Danielle swallowed another mouthful of her sandwich and laid it down on the table.  She took a sip of her cola and this time, she did not pause.

“When I picked up the work…. I noticed that…” she paused again

“What?” Vicky said laughing not realising the impending severity of what was about to be said.

“I saw your passport and looked out of curiosity, and….” she tailed off and turned away almost ashamed.

Vicky immediately realised the impact of what she meant, she froze rigid on her chair looking almost blank and holding on to the crumbling life she felt was merely seconds away from destroying everything she had. She would be outed to everyone, ridiculed, and ostracised.  She began to cry.

“Were you a….” Danielle asked still looking away in shame.  Vicky paused and began to cry more and more tears of pain.

“No!” she exclaimed as she sniffed “I never was and never will be” she said as her head felt into he arms in spates of tears.

Danielle looked to see the shrivelled up being in front of her crying and totally beside herself, she looked almost no longer with shame, or anger, but saw what a delicate thing she was.  She was just the same person she knew before she discovered her passport as she was now.  She placed her hand on Vicky’s shoulder and thought carefully at her reaction.

“It’s OK, I won’t say anything, but you can always talk to me” Danielle said almost in apologetic tone.  Vicky still sobbed and sniffed, slowly she raised her head, red eyed and bleary, blotchy emotion and shock ridden complexion, she smiled deeply and without thinking flung her arms out to hug Danielle.

“Thank-you” Vicky muffled and mumbled, “I can explain everything…” she said.

“That’s ok honey, you don’t need to explain anything to me at all” Danielle said holding her close.  Vicky pulled away and pulled a tissue out to wipe the tears up,

“I must look a right mess” she said.

“Erm, yes you do!” Danielle joked as she looked at the mascara run than had come from Vicky’s weeping.  “Lets go to the loos, and tidy you up hon'” she smiled.  “That sandwich was horrible anyway!” she joked tossing it into the bin.

They entered the loo and Vicky wiped off the tear streams from her cheeks and took Danielle’s mascara that she offered and tidied up quickly.  It was quiet in the loo, a chance to talk perhaps.  Danielle kept reassuring Vicky it was OK, and that it did bother her at all, and that she would keep quiet about everything, this did not of course stall the questions running around in her mind.

“So how long have you been like, living…” Danielle said to be abruptly interrupted,

“A year” Vicky said screwing the lid back onto the mascara tube.

“Oh, before college then” Danielle said tailing off uneasy only to be re-aroused by curiosity.

“Does Alex know?” she continued rather abruptly.

“Why all the questions Dani!” Vicky snapped as she looked up at her friend’s face, was she still a friend?

“Sorry” Danielle said looking at the ground.

“Hey look we are still friends, but you’ve betrayed my trust, can I really trust you and what you say. What did I do to hurt you so much, you know this is going tot take me time to get over all this.” Vicky said brushing past her friend opening the door to the canteen.  She turned around and continued “and yes he does know.”  She said walking off almost numb, she had to find Alex, she may have put a brave face on just then, but inside she felt incredibly weak and insecure, she just wanted somebody she could cuddle up to and find support.

Vicky walked out the door, head hung low as she held satchel close, turned the corner and,

“Ouch, watch out where… oh hey there hunnie” smiled the face, it was Alex.  “I was just coming in there to see you and here you are looking really down, what’s wrong hun?” he asked holding both her hands and seeing her in a fragile state.  She flung her arms around him and hugged him tight.

“It’s ok, it’s ok” he said as the tears began to weep more from her weary eyes.  ‘What has happened, talk to me hun!” Alex said with desperation.  She pulled away and looked up,

“Can we just go home and talk?  It’s nothing about us, something bad has happened, I’m very scared!” she said with a shrill tone in her voice.

Alex looked down at her weak soul weeping in the corridor drawing attention, he smiled uncomfortably to those who looked to see what the commotion was about.  He took her hand and lead her softly to the the bus stop outside, which was empty, the number three bus had just left.

“I don’t know what has happened yet, but I’m glad I found you” he said smiling at her, despite her terrible emotional state.

“So am I, I don’t think I could live without you Alex” she sniffed looking at his big baby like eyes.

“Ssshhh my baby, calm, it will be alright” he said placing his finger on her lips and placing a very delicate loving, tender kiss on her lips, she pulled him close and nestled under his neck, she needed his support and love right now.

The bus arrived and they sat on the top deck, right at the front with Vicky leaning on Alex’s shoulder, tersely explaining what had happened.  Alex was very concerned and listened attentively to what she said and just reassured her that no matter what he would stay with her and stand up for her if the worst came to worst.  The bus arrived at the stop and Alex asked whether she would prefer to go to his or her house, she decided on his as nobody would be in and they could sit in privacy and have some time to themselves.  Before the news which Danielle delivered, Vicky was riding on a high, feeling quite romantically charged and just wanted to spend some tender time with each other.  The summer was there at last, it was warm and being something of a romantic in her heart, she had envisions of long lazy summer days having a picnic and plenty of time together.  That all seemed to distant for her now, such a sad thought.  They walked hand in hand to his house, he plucked the key out of his wallet and let her in.  She walked into the lounge and picked up the bean bags and pointed to the stairs to say she was taking them to his bedroom.

“Tea Vicky?” he yelled out.

“How about a big mug of hot chocolate for us to share” she said smiling, poking her head around the corner.

“Yeah…. that would be good, we haven’t done that since winter!” he laughed thinking back.

“Bit too warm now to be all snuggled up under a blanket now” she said as she walked off upstairs.

Alex stood their waiting for the milk to boil chuckling to himself, and thinking what on earth would he do without his romantic sweetheart!  He plucked the big mug out of the cupboard and popped the cocoa power in, whistling away and pouring the milk in.  Meanwhile Vicky was making good of the bean bags which they could cuddle up on, and sat down and felt a lot better just having her boyfriend’s company.  Eventually she heard the footsteps up the staircase and Alex popped his head around cheekily poking his tongue out playfully.  She laughed and told him to stop being silly and sit down. Of course she did not want him to stop being silly, she just wanted Alex to cuddle up to and share some intimate loving affection.

He brought in the big mug, deliberately taking a big sip leaving a big white froth mark around his lips,

“Oh you silly boy” she laughed, “what will I do with you” she said kneeling, before placing her lips on his and sharing a passionate kiss, she lapped up the froth and dipped her hand in the mug and dobbed a bit on his nose. “You have to get it on the nose, not your lips!” she joked.

“Well I hope you haven’t brought me home just because you wanted to have a cuddle and kiss!” he paused “Well in truth I won’t object obviously” he smiled as he sat down one of the beanbags and put his arms around Vicky.

“So what really happened?” he asked.

“Can we talk about it later, right now, I just need some comforting love…” she said looking again up to his eyes.

“Sure…” he answered “so something bad has gone down though, obviously” he asked further.

“Yeah, but you have made me feel so much better already my hunnie bunny” she said feeling very soppy.  He picked up the mug and Vicky took a sip and likewise so did he, he put the mug back and laid back and rolled up close to Vicky and held her by her hips, and the two drew close and kissed, and cuddled on the floor, being silly and sharing the mug of hot chocolate.  It would be prude to say they were not snogging as they clearly were, Vicky needed this closeness right now.  Eventually the two drifted off slowly holding each other.

A few hours later a voice came up from the stairs,

“Alex, do you….” it was his mum, she poked her head around the door and saw her son and his girlfriend lying on the bean bags snuggled up snoozing away together…  She just sighed and felt immense happiness for her son, she quietly closed the door and uttered “…young puppy love” and chuckled to herself as she walked down the steps with the cup of tea she had made her son.  Within an hour of Alex’s mum poking her head around, Alex stirred to find Vicky angelically in his eyes still asleep, he kissed her tenderly, which awoke the slumbering princess slowly, her eyes slightly ajar staring right into Alex’s eyes.

“Hey hun” he said a little gruffly having just awoken too. “How’s my sleeping beauty” he smiled.

She smiled back at him and gave him a kiss “I’m on cloud nine” she said, knowing of all the daydreams she had that only were mere fantasy, but this was real.  There was a pause as Alex studied her and looked back at her face, and touching her hand, he continued to smile.  And said the three words he never really had said before,

“I love you” he said with tender breath placing another golden kiss on her lips.

She did not stir, she stared back almost deadly still, and placed her hand on his stubbly check and a small tear dropped from her eyes, and another, she breathed in and placed her lips on his and kissed slowly, drew back slowly and uttered “I love you too”.  He sat up slowly running his hand over her body, her strappy top and baggy trousers, she looked up smiling, and brought herself to sit up close to him.  She leant on his shoulder and he held her close, nothing need to be said, it was delicately perfect.

“So what happened” asked Alex as he stirred and woke up more.

“Danielle found my passport” Vicky responded in total calmness.

“What?!” Alex said as he swung around from looking out the window.

“She came over to pick some college work up and out of curiosity she looked at the back, and the photo, I should have had it changed, it is my fault” she sighed.

“And is she going to do anything?  Is she going to cause your trouble?” he said almost in desperate overtones.  There was an uneasy silence.

“No, she is not like that, it will take me time to forgive and trust her again quite obviously, but I don’t think she would ever, ever desecrate my desire to be, well known only to those who need to know, those being the ones I trust, and most of all, love” she smiled back at him.  He smiled back and held his hand out to her, as he flung the window open.

“Isn’t that perfect?” he said looking out the window towards the sea beyond and the golden beach.  He did not live far from the beautiful sands.  She walked up to him and held him around his waist and peeked around, and looked up and back out to the golden scene,

“It is utterly perfect” she said almost whispering, Alex turned around and Vicky tip toed to kiss and cuddle.

“Alex, I’ve said it before, I don’t know what I would do without you”

“And I don’t know what to do with you” he joked as Vicky gasped knowing it was a joke and slapped his chest.

“That’s just what I love about you, hunnie” she said as she rested in his arms looking out at the beauty of the view.  The peace that landscape portrayed struck into her heart, and for the first time in her life, she had found her peace.

Chapter Sixteen (Edited)

It was just one big blur.  Vicky’s head swirled, dazzled by the bright white lights in the ceiling which she looked up to.  She groaned in confusion of what was happening, where she was, her head rolled onto the side and there she could see a smiling face, albeit very blurred.  A hand then reached out to hers and she managed reach out and touch, she could hear the murmuring.

“It’s all going to be just fine” said the voice, she then dropped back into sleep.

Some hours later, Vicky came back around, slowly, still with the bright fluorescent lights shining in her eyes, she groaned again and blinked as she tried to clear her groggy eyes.  Suddenly a hand appeared within sight handing her a tissue, she took it, unable to respond with a thank you, and wiped her eyes from the grogginess.  Her vision began to return slowly and her head rolled to one side again.

“Hi again sweetheart” smiled the face, which slowly came into focus, it was Vicky’s mum.  “Everything is just fine and apparently the surgery went very well indeed” she smiled further.

“Uhhh…” Vicky groaned in acknowledgement of her mum’s voice, if not really being able to take the words in right at the present moment.

“You made it honey!” said a deeper voice.  She gazed into the corner and saw Alex just about, she smiled back acknowledging his presence as well.

“Your dad is looking after Emily tonight, since she is still not very well” Ellen said, tailing off, unsure if Vicky could hear or understand her properly as yet. “Can you understand me Vicky?” she asked.

Vicky nodded and smiled again, as she slowly recovered some sense of consciousness from the operation, her gender confirmation surgery[1].  After two years almost of waiting, she had finally had the operation done in South East England, and everything had seemingly gone according to plan, and despite recovery never being comfortable with the nature of the surgery involved, there were no foreseen difficulties ahead, beyond the usual pains of the packing, and soon enough dilation.  She managed to keep her eyes open, but having been in the operating theatre for five hours almost, she had been through a lot, and had come through it looking pretty strong all things considered.  She managed to keep her eyes open a bit, but the pain got to her, and she was able to self administer morphine to ease the pain, as she did, she drifted off again, until the next morning.

The sun shone in through the large window that looked out on to rolling hills and the English Channel beyond, it was a nice day, a bit breezy, and the sun was out with only a few clouds hanging in the air, Alex looked outside the window on occasion, and turned back to the TV, their unease about Vicky’s state had eased away when she came around the previous evening, albeit somewhat late.  Ellen read a magazine that was on the coffee table and looked frequently at Vicky, to see if she had woken up, but she hadn’t as yet.  Half an hour passed by quickly, and there was a knock on the door, and in entered Chris and Emily, who had just driven down that morning since Emily was feeling much better.  Chris slumped in one of the chairs with a big sigh.

“That’s the second time I have had to do that journey in the space of three days!  I shall be glad to have a good sit down and a nice cuppa” he smiled looking very drawn.

“Tea, yes?  Anybody else?” perked up Alex who was somewhat numbed by boredom, not that he didn’t care, but he just found it a little difficult looking at Vicky’s slightly pale face and the drips and other equipment all ‘wired’ into her, usually such an angelic sight to him, this however unnerved him somewhat.  He got up to all the nodding faces and headed out down to the corridor where the coffee and tea machine was located, and quietly shut the door behind him.

“So everything has gone very well?” asked Chris, already knowing the answer but in an effort to ease the silence, he thought he may as well ask.

“Yes, everything went very well apparently.  She did come around last night but she wasn’t really with it at all, and looked in some pain, she can self administer morphine you see” Ellen said pointing at the various tubes.

“Oh, yeah, I see, when did they say she will be a bit more aware of things going on around her?” Chris continued to quiz.

“When she wakes up?” Emily smiled, not meaning to be flippant.

“Well, like Emily says, when she wakes up, she’s been asleep a good eleven hours now, but then she never liked getting out of bed anyway!” laughed Ellen, which was followed to a few laughs in the room, as Alex entered looking around as he balanced three cups.

“What?” he said sheepishly thinking they were talking about him!

“Nothing silly, we were talking about Vicky!” giggled Emily.

“Oh… well I knew that, honest, I was just, erm, testing, yes” Alex said looking down as he slurped on his tea.

“Yeah, right” smiled Emily.

“Oh, I didn’t know what you would like so I got a carton of apple juice for you” Alex said throwing the carton to Emily.

“Hey, thanks!” Emily smiled, knowing exactly what Vicky saw in him.  She was in very good spirits and perked up “So you are definitely sure you don’t have a, err, younger brother then?” she laughed as she took a small sip on the juice through the straw.

“Nope!  I’m the only one, but then we could ask the surgeons if they could clone me since we are here” said Alex joking with Chris and Ellen just sitting back listening with Chris looking out at the window.

“Two of you… don’t scare me like that!” Emily carried on throwing the banter back at him.

“Hey!  You are such a meanie” he said smiling as he slurped on his tea again.

“Looks like someone’s picked up some of Vicky’s words” Ellen said with a grin.

“Well… I guess!” Alex said.

All of a sudden there was a rather groggy groan coming from the bed, it was Vicky.  She hadn’t opened her eyes, but her arms moved a little, and she slowly opened her eyes, Ellen got up and wiped the sleep from her eyes, but Vicky’s eyes were hardly open, she kept on blinking with a rather dull look in her lips, as if she was drunken by sleep and drugs almost.  Slowly her eyes blinked to fuller life.

“Hey honey, decided to join us from the land of snooze then?” smiled Alex looking over his mug of tea as he carried on slurping, a bad habit of his.

“Uhhh” Vicky groaned still looking as if she was drunk, as she began to wake up a bit more.

“Well that sounds like my girl!” laughed Alex.  Vicky managed to creep a little smile in as she turned around to the bright light shining in through the window and focussed on mum, dad, and Emily, again mustering another slight smile to them.

“Good night’s sleep then?” asked Ellen.  Vicky paused mustering her strength to get some meaningful words out.

“No” she gasped almost.

“Oh, were you in a lot of pain my baby?” frowned Ellen seeing her so helpless, almost as if they had forgotten what she was even there for or what had been done.

“No, bad, back” she replied wiping her eyes with her finger, with a yawn.

She woke up slowly and managed to gain something of full awareness within half an hour, although hardly jumping up and down.  She lifted up her bed covers and looked down there.  There wasn’t much to see, all she wanted to know if that parasite really was indeed gone for good.  She was on a strict clear fluids diet, which meant she had some lovely treats, not.  From the delights of vegetable or chicken flavoured water, or indeed water, she liked the sound of sorbet.

“Hey it’s Sunday, isn’t it?” she said with a slight grin.

“Yes, why honey?” answered Ellen.

“Well shouldn’t they be doing roast dinner flavoured water” she laughed, feebly, as she put the menu back down.  Despite everything that had been done the previous day she was still in good spirits evidently.  Problem was she wouldn’t be able to eat for another three days at least, and by then she would definitely be gasping for that roast beef, Yorkshire puddings, vegetables, roast potatoes and gravy, as she thought to her self.  She took a glance at the jug of water and asked Ellen if she could pour her a glass since she was closest to her bedsides.  She took a sip and looked up at the TV which she only just noticed was on.

“Oh no, not Rugby!” she groaned.

“Hey leave it out, I put up with you a lot” laughed Alex as he was engaged on the action.

“They’re all so ugly!” she laughed.

“Well they certainly haven’t de-sexed you have they honey!” he said murmuring slightly as he gasped at the failed attempt at a try being scored.

It was about half past one in the afternoon, and some nurses came in to inform what was required as there was a change of shifts, instructions were given and also for one nurse to empty the catheter soon, which Vicky mentioned a build up of pressure.  Not exactly nice surgery this at all, and some may even say dehumanising, but it was the final result for which made this all worthwhile, in fact the final result was already there but not to actually see.  By this time, Vicky had also perked up somewhat, feeling better, still in some discomfort as this was hardly minor surgery, but she was able to hold conversation comfortably and by all accounts as time passed, you would not have guessed she had such major surgery the previous day.  Another nurse entered and emptied Vicky’s catheter, hardly a pleasant sight but Emily closed her eyes as the nurse entered the bathroom which was behind where she was sat.  It was expected that the surgeon would pop by that day, and also Vicky had heard a rumour that even her psychiatrist, Russell Reid[2] sometimes popped by to see his patients, which she thought if true, was such a kind gesture for him to do so.  Chris had dozed off from all the driving he had to do, and looked peaceful enough with the slight breeze blowing in through the window which helped free up the otherwise rather stifling hot summer’s air.

“Hey, Vicky, me and Emily are going to get a bit of fresh air for a few minutes, just need it, is that OK?” Ellen asked her.

“Yes, sure, wish I could!” she smiled.  They left the room which left Alex, and her dozing dad.

“Hey look, we can talk in private now if you want to Alex, I know it’s a bit difficult with them around sometimes” she smiled, holding her hand out.  Alex wandered over the bed side and sat down where Ellen was sat and held her hand.

“Well, it all went well, didn’t it?” she smiled.

“Yes, it does seem to have done!” he answered.

“Are you OK?” Vicky asked seeing something in his eyes,

“I’m, alright, I was just quite upset earlier on..”

“Oh?  What sweetie?”.

“Just seeing you there lying helpless and pale, it just scared me a bit” he said with his head lowered.  Vicky paused wondering what to say, but there wasn’t much to be said.  She reached out to kiss Alex on the cheek.

“Everything will be fine, we will all get through this, but I can’t imagine what you must think of all this, I mean you hardly expected to have a girlfriend who would have to have..” she paused with Alex looking curious.

“What?” he asked.

“Well what I have had to have done, I mean, it’s hardly normal is it, I just feel bad sometimes” she sighed.

“Why feel bad, all that matters is what we have for each other, love.  All this, well, whatever you call it, this sex change stuff, it doesn’t mean anything to me.  You haven’t had a sex change to me anyway..”

“What on earth do you mean?!” Vicky said butting in.

“To me, and yourself in your heart and to those who love you, you’ve always been a girl, nothing else.  I know you have had to have various things done, but it doesn’t change what you are to me, or your family, I guess” he tailed off wondering what she must think of him, he looked at her eyes looking rather blubbery “Don’t cry in sadness sweetheart”

“I’m not…” she said sniffing.

“The only thing that can happen to our love, is for it to grow deeper and deeper with every day” he said reaching out to cuddle her as best as he could in the bed.

Vicky could not help but cry, no matter what, Alex always had the right thing to say, well, mostly – he sometimes put his foot in it when he had a few too many beers to drink, but for all his fallacies, that did not matter to Vicky, because they were all part of him, and she loved everything about him.

“And besides” he said “I never, well, you know – saw, anything before now, and I don’t see you any differently, so don’t worry about this stuff changing things for the worse, it can only be for the better, and I never have seen you any other way than what you are now!” he carried on.  Vicky just looked love struck again as she looked in his eyes.

“I love you” she said as the tears dropped from her eyes.

“I love you too” he said holding her hand tight.

She held on to his hand closely, Ellen and Emily walked in not long afterwards to still find Chris dozing in the chair by the window and to find the love sick puppies holding hands looking into each others eyes often enough.  They had been together for almost two years, and Vicky’s gender confirmation surgery was the ultimate ending to her dysphoric situation.  The hormones had been kicking around for just as long as she had been with Alex, which by this time was one year and nine months, but they preferred to say almost two years!  Indeed this surgery also meant Vicky had lived in her natal gender for two years by this time, and had hit the eighteenth mark not so long ago.  They had a great time, her with her college friends celebrating her two years at college that had ended and finished all of her A Level exams, she was well set up to get to the University she wished to go to, to train as a primary[3] school teacher, she had long known she wanted to work with children, but she never knew if all this would be possible, would the children see something in her?  Children are incredibly perceptive, they say what they see, they do not see any of the social clues as pointers to gender, it’s merely appearance.  Fears were allayed however when she started her “First Steps In Teaching” course at a primary school, in fact her old primary school, some of the teachers knew her.  Including one teacher who sometimes joked about her, hanging around with the girls, but nobody had a problem with that, and there was no real implicit need to tell parents or the children since she passed seemingly well enough as it was not to need such disclaimers.  In fact Vicky soon came to realise children were the real acid test, would they get the right pronouns for someone they had never met, would suspicions be raised?  In fact, two children did notice something, after all she had only been transitioned for under a year at the time, however she had built great confidence in herself, and she knew she would surmount any difficulties that faced her.  She often wondered to start with what some of the children were talking about when she first entered, it was very rare for her at this stage to get someone to notice something, let alone say something (almost always meant in harm if ever said).

It turned out that the children talking quietly hadn’t noticed anything, they just looked in interest at who this new person was, not as in, is she a girl or a boy?  As she began to build confidence in herself from this, something changed about her.  Suddenly she was more open to doing things she once turned down in her days of being called another name.  Now she would join in with games, because there was no competitiveness involved (unlike P.E.), she could use her experience in sorting out any bullying and teasing, and made sure she picked teams, as she knew what it was like to be the child left on their own and last to be, grudgingly, picked.  It was only for three months apparently the course, but she loved it so much she stayed on for six months in all, and at the end had to leave, she didn’t want to, it was the highlight of her week.  Teaching the water cycle, marking spellings, playing tig[4], and yes she started playing football for fun, drawing and painting, she loved it because she had something of great interest in working with children.  There were some real stars that she really admired for their knowledge and sheer humanity even despite their age, she saw something these children often had that adults of this world should learn from.  In essence she was living her childhood again while she could, the childhood she never really had, gripped by the suffocating grip of transsexualism.  So much for a pervert, the fetishist, or the depraved sexual thing that some people would misunderstand a transsexual for.  In a way, despite her being pretty much stealth about her situation, she knew that she had something positive to do.  To set a good example to the children, and to look out for those who were so often just left at the sides to suffer humiliation and mockery, leading to an ultimate despair that nobody loved them.  And then… April 29th, 1999.  That date said enough for Vicky, she almost never even realised what she was to herself, let alone those around her.

She had nothing much, she didn’t have lots of money, or all the flashy clothes, a big house and lots of material possessions, she learnt that rather than totally ignore the past, she realised that all of it, no matter how treacherous it may have been at times, had made her the person she was.  She wasn’t bitter, grudging and a soul of woe, but rather one of light and hope.  She had all she needed in her life, love.  The love her parents had shown, the love her boyfriend had shown, the love that never broke the special bond with her sister.  In fact Emily gave her a card for Vicky’s eighteenth that made her weep, and weep.  She wrote inside, “You told me this when I was six.  I didn’t quite understand back then.  But that caterpillar really has become a delicate butterfly you always knew you were, you always were my sister.  I always loved you, I always will.  Lots of love, Emily xxxxxx”.  She was very lucky with Alex, he wasn’t perfect, but as said that was part of him, part of the person that Vicky loved, every bit of him.  This was all she ever wanted in her life, anything else was above and beyond anything she could ever desire, expect, or have planned for.  This person that life had made her, was now a fully functioning member of society, no matter how much it tried to reject her with sheer gross intolerance, she bounced back and showed that even if everybody says you are not wanted, that you are wrong, if you know what is in your heart, that is all that ever matters, and you are in fact in the right.  The work with the children clearly proved she could do the work, and taught her even more so to keep her head held high, because most of the children didn’t suspect anything, in fact only two.

Things would get better beyond there as well, and with that head held high, she could smile about that slightly secret past, and the positive influence that it gave her to make an entirely positive impact on the children.  She would just listen to their unbiased, unpolluted view of the world, and smile in admiration, some needed a little picking up, but often she listened with sincere intent to help, and to encourage.  She taught the value of true friends, and they were the ones that really mattered, to ignore the nasty people, and tell somebody about the problem so it can be sorted out.  And sure enough she did.  When she left for her last day, the children all made her a card saying “We’ll miss you Victoria!”, with all their names and a little message, some quite cheeky.  This meant the world to her, despite all the fears she would be chased out for being a ‘freak’, she was welcomed in and succeeded where some often said she would fail, or at least “it will be very difficult” they would say.  She knew it would be, but that never stopped her.  Maybe it is a sad reflection in a way, that to really integrate you have to pass well enough not to look noticeably gender variant, this society has a lot of changing to do, and that won’t happen in Vicky’s lifetime certainly she guessed.  But, she always knew the value of one person’s voice, and if everyone speaks up, slowly people around them will be enlightened to a more positive approach, an individual may not be able to change much very often alone as an individual, but if those individuals combined to speak the truth of themselves, they surely have the right to put the record straight.  She may have been living a life of stealth, but there were ways she could reach out, she would figure them out, so that one day she, and her brothers and sisters would not be looked on as freaks, the outcasts, the perverts or the paedophiles that often slurs the name of gender dysphoria or transsexualism, but as people with a heart and soul, just like anybody else.  She had evidently thought much about this, and it was these small things like the card from the children in the classroom, or her sister, or Alex’s touch that inspired her so much in life.

Some weeks had past, and Vicky had been released from hospital and was up and about, though it was hardly without any pain!  She was healing, but she was still sore, and not in any way back to her former active self, no doubt that would return soon enough, she just rested up while she could, and had to go through the horrible routine of dilation, required to keep the vagina open, and to potentially increase depth, which was of some relative importance, keeping it in perspective, she had managed a respectable 5 1/2″ – hopefully keeping up the vigorous dilation routine would maybe give her the extra inch.  She looked down at it not necessarily in total awe but more that it looked just so right on her, she didn’t have to look down anymore to the parasite that damaged her for long enough.  She was of course thinking that not before long, she might be able to, test the water so to speak with Alex.  She still had a few more weeks to go before she felt she would be comfortable, which would make her around two months post operative.  She was obviously no prude, she knew what she wanted, and it was quite evident on her eighteenth how much aggravation it brought her, and Alex.  To her sex was not everything by any means, but sometimes when the moment is just right, like her eighteenth, things would be somewhat intensely passionate, but the suddenly it would, stop!  She did love the cuddling and kissing, the moments of gazing and being close, that mattered more to her than intercourse, but it would be foolish that she never thought of sex.  In fact “controversially” she argued that her libido had actually increased once on oestrogens and that the anti-androgen had not affected it at all, besides she had nothing of any libido worth speaking of beforehand.  Because of this she did think about it a bit more, and within near two years her and Alex had been together, it wasn’t as if she hadn’t seen his rather proud, shall we say, tackle! 

She was really quite yearning for that romantic night with him, alone, heightened by deep, intense passion, when he would then make passionate love to her…  She often snapped out of these dreams with a nasty fall, but not anymore, she rightfully explored her genitalia, not at all scared about it, slowly feeling some sensation returning.  By this point she was also rather bored with the medical stents, or dilators.  Which is why at the weekend, Vicky and Emily went into town and nipped into Ann Summers[5] for something a bit more, exciting!  She was not at all afraid about this, and it didn’t trouble her in her mind of her burgeoning sexual activity.  Some would probably baulk at this, decrying this as the sign of those sex crazed transsexuals, but that to her was just rubbish, she would rightfully spit it back in their faces and not be ashamed and at least was not prudish enough to deny her desires.  She didn’t buy a vibrator at this point, nothing to vigorous, but happily took the rather large dildo.  She also had to get used to the idea that her sister Emily was not the little innocent angel anymore, who by now was fourteen, which was a bit odd at first trying to overcome the memories of her playing innocently with her dolls and other toys, to now buying items in Ann Summers!  But she too was no prude and both were exploring what any girl generally does during their teens.  After leaving the shops they entered the shopping centre loos and popped the bags into an everyday shopping carrier bag graced with the less attention grabbing words of “Asda”[6]

They arrived home to find Alex was sitting in the kitchen with Ellen over a cup of tea, just chatting.

“Hey Girls!” he yelled out as they shut the front door.

“Hi Alex” yelped Emily. “What shall we do with these?” she whispered to Vicky pointing to the bag.

“Oh, I’ll put it in my top draw hon, just tell them I have gone to the loo” she whispered as she slipped upstairs.

“Well she left quickly” smiled Ellen.  “I bet she’s worn out!” she laughed.

“Well, she needed the loo more than anything” answered Emily, duly there was a flush on the chain, followed by the sound of running water, and then footsteps down the stairs, slowly.

“Hiya” Vicky said walking in giving Alex and peck on the cheek.

“Hey you, how’s my girl” he asked.

“Tired, and probably going to have a lie down soon” said Vicky looking drawn, and she did want to lie down, but it would be a lie not to say she was not interested in trying out her new purchase!

Ellen poured her, Emily and Alex a cup of tea “There you go, oh Emily.  Some boy called for you earlier, I think he was called Tom?” she looked with a wry smile.  Emily just froze, wondering what to say,

“Oh, him.  So he did phone me…” she grinned.

“Love is in the air hey Em’s?” joked Alex.

“We’ll see, I think I’ll phone him back, or should I wait for him to?” she said looking very nervous!

“Well how much do you like him sis?” Vicky asked just rather calmly as if this was one of their private sisterly chats.

“I’ll phone him then!” she quipped as she grabbed the tea and dashed off upstairs with her mobile phone to speak to him in her room!

“Hey look at you girl, looks like you’re besotted!” Ellen grinned, “Now I have two love sick puppies to look after, just as well James is well, a normal fifteen year old boy” she tailed off shaking her head with a laugh to herself.  “I don’t mean it, he’s lovely really!”.

“Heh, well he gives dad some company and someone for Alex to play on the computer games with, no point asking me, hey hunnie?” she said nudging Alex who was just listening.

“Err, yeah!  Unless I want to win all the time, easily…” he tailed off purposely antagonising in a playful manner.

“Hey!  No fair, give me Pac Man any day and I’ll thrash you boy!” she laughed back with a wide grin.

“It’s a deal!” he joked.

“Hey do you want to come upstairs for a bit, just for a chat?” Vicky asked.

“Sure, sure, thanks for the tea Mrs J” he said getting up brushing off all the cookie crumbs.

“Oooh look at you, you little cookie monster” Vicky said all soppily reaching out to kiss his cheek before she got off the stool.

“Dinner won’t be ready till late OK, Alex is staying” said Ellen as she gathered up the mugs and put them in the washing up bowl.  Alex and Vicky wandered off out the kitchen and up the stairs,

Alex just sat down waiting to see what until now he had not in a way, dared look at.  Vicky drew the curtains and flicked the bedside lamp on.

“Nothing is going to happen, I’m afraid my baby, I’m still, sore, you know what I mean” she said smiling.

“That’s fine, I didn’t even think of it” he said.

“I’ll give you another six seconds then and I’ll ask then” she grinned.

Alex watched with relative interest, after all he had never ever seen Vicky undress below the waist ever before, not he wanted to see that either, but this was a kind of first. 

“I’m sorry, but I’ve not got any sexy underwear one, just baggy knickers right now honey” she laughed as she dropped her skirt down.

“Yeah… I’m sure I could persuade you to change that when thing heal up, huh?” he joked. 

However by now he was rather engaged on her body, her relatively slim waist and the curves of her hips and her legs, suddenly he crossed his legs, as if there was need to hide it.  Vicky looked very nervous, as if she was about to disappoint, she lowered her knickers down and stood before him.

“Well, sorry it’s not much to see” she frowned.

“Hey why the frowning, this is you you’re talking about and you are one sexy lady…” he said tailing of.  “Hey why don’t you take that top and bra off, see the whole you for the first time in two years huh?”

“I don’t know…” she said sheepishly with her legs tightly close together.

“It’s me, you have nothing to fear” he said reassuring holding his hand out to touch her finger tips, she smiled, and proceeded.

Slowly she lifted her top off, leaving only her white bra, with pink ribbon in the middle, still a sucker for cute things as ever.  Alex got up and looked deep into her eyes and reached around to unhook her bra at the back and gracefully took it away, he stood back and looked at her, up and down.  Vicky soon noticed the rather pleasant bulge in his trousers, and smiled, breathing quite heavily.

“You really are something…” Alex said almost in a slurred drawl.  She blushed, and looked down again smiling.

“Hmmm, and so are you” she said putting one arm around him, and the other suddenly, grabbed down below, with a shrill squeak from him.

“Well you don’t seem to have a problem finding that, do you!” he said.

“Not when it’s this big” she said flattering, slowly unzipping him, and unbuttoning.  “Take your trousers off, and your shirt, I want to see you” she purred almost.

“Sure…” he said being the cool confident guy, slipping his shirt off and dropping his trousers, leaving just his boxer shorts. 

Vicky looked down with her mouth slightly open, looking lustfully, she placed her hand back on him and without notice slipped them right down.

“Hey easy girl!” he said not really knowing what to expect.

“I might not be quite ready yet, but I just wanted to feel you against me” as she pressed close “and my you are so warm and…” only to be stopped by Alex kissing her lips.

“My hand is quite alright here!” she grinned, as she held him, just thinking about that moment they would become one.  Alex was wondering what all of the patter of footsteps were outside, and knowing that Emily was probably going to be rather excited after her phonecall, he grabbed his shirt and put it on Vicky, just in case she should burst in without notice.

“Since you always seem to wear my football kit” he joked.

“That’s because it’s very sexy, on you anyway” she giggled as she stroked his cheek.

“Oh, I don’t know, you’ve hardly turned me off sweetie, besides your legs look very sexy with that droopy shirt on you” he said as he stroked her thigh up and down.

“You know, I think I feel more sensuous than ever before honey, because that also feels very very good indeed.  Pain has to be around the corner somewhere!” she joked as she kept him stroking, much like she loved to be tickled, she always did, especially on the back.  She loved that as a child, and still did now.  Alex leaned over on top of her and straddled her,

“I hope I’m not hurting you” he said wanting to make sure.

“Nope, but you are heavy!” she joked as she wriggled around to get comfortable.

“Good…” he leant down to her face and kissed her, and they carried on doing so, cuddling and kissing, what Vicky liked most of all.  A good half an hour passed by, before Alex rolled off of her and laid by her side, slipping his football shorts on.

“Oooh, sexy!” she laughed as she watched him put them on, she had something for football kits!  “I’m feeling rather sleepy, how do you fancy sleeping here tonight to cuddle each other my baby?” she asked looking in his eyes as they laid side by side.

“Well I’m sure I could put up with it!” he joked.

“Hey!  Meanie!” she smiled back playfully hitting his chest.

“Oh come here my honey” he said pulling the bedside lamp cord.  Followed by much giggling and kissing noises.

Just as they were drifting off to sleep, in each other’s arms, there was a sudden yell.  Alex jumped up,

“Honey, I think dinner’s ready!” he said.

“Crap!” she said followed by laughter “I was just about to drift off then!  Well I had better give you your top back, unless you wish to wear my lovely pink top I wore today!”

“Oh and like I’ll fit in that!” he laughed catching his top as it was flung across the room.


[1] : Gender Confirmation Surgery, the author’s preferred term for this kind of surgery.  Alternatives are SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery), or GRS (Genital Reassignment Surgery) – also rather disconcerting is GRS also meaning Gender Reassignment Surgery, which in the author’s opinion is terrible terminology, and does not like the latter 3 personally, with GRS (Genital..) being the preferred.

[2] : Russell Reid, Gender psychiatrist.  Works from London from a Private clinic known as The London Institute, and also on the NHS for patients in Hillingdon, borough of London.

[3] : Primary School,  Sometimes split into Infant and Junior schools, covers the ages between 4-11 in the UK education system, followed by Secondary School which is 11-16, some secondary schools have a Sixth Form which covers 16-18 but some areas do not have Sixth Forms and students who wish to continue post 16 can go to a college.  In the UK no education is compulsory after the age of 16 and leaving secondary school.

[4] : Tig, also known as Tag and It.

[5] : Ann Summers, A rather popular UK high street shop that sells good related to sex or other sexual acts generally.  Nothing usually that explicit and I think their lingerie is horrible personally, but they also sell other interesting items like lip balm… (No, not quite what you are thinking of!)  And also dildos and vibrators amongst other items.

[6] : Asda, UK supermarket owned by Wal Mart.

Chapter Seventeen (Edit)

“Are you sure about this” Alex asked as he wandered in to the kitchen where she was cooking dinner.  Chicken Balti, her favourite curry, and Alex didn’t mind it too, mind you he hardly was going to moan!.

“Well, put it this way, the more wine the merrier” Vicky laughed as she sipped on the Rosé that Alex had just poured.

“I just want to make sure, you know, I just don’t want to ruin tonight” he said rather nervous.

“As long as you are always with me tonight, it will be nothing less than perfect” she smiled all loved up, the rather enticing thing that wine did to her, it just allowed her to let her romantic thoughts and ideas come forward, and that starry eyed look that turned Alex into putty.

“Ok, well, that’s fine by me then!” he said as he sipped on his wine and cuddled up to Vicky behind her as she stirred the mixture in the pan.

“Hmm, your hands are so warm” smiled Vicky as he wrapped his hands around her waist, she turned around to give him a kiss.  “Hey go put some gel on your hair, looks, strange without it!” she said as she ran her hands over his hair.

“Hey, one thing at a time, I only just got out of the shower!” he said as he let go and wandered towards the door.

“Well, you should have asked me for a hand when you were there” she said grinning.  Alex paused smiling as he leaned on the door frame adjoining the kitchen and the dining room and lounge.

“Next time hon!” he smiled as he walked out, Vicky just smiled to herself as she checked the rice, and yelled upstairs that dinner was ready.

“Ok, Ok!!!” bellowed down Alex as he tumbled down the stairs, or so it sounded!

“Before you moan, I’ll put the gel on for you” as she grasped the tube and smiled sweetly, standing close to him as she reached up to style his hair.  After a while, she made a few tweaks and stood back “That’s better” and turned around to dish the dinner up.

“Want a hand?” Alex said grasping his wine glass.

“Sure, you do the rice, I’ll get the naan bread and poppadums out of the oven and do the curry” as she reached down to the oven to get the other bits out.  Alex managed to forget the water was hot where the rice had been boiled up and jumped around like a silly fool.  “Blimey, you silly thing you” she laughed as he grappled his hand.  “Come here, I’ll kiss it better for you”.  Alex walked over and held his hand up, and she gently kissed his thumb and then playfully sucked.

“Hey, save that till later, blimey some days I think you women are worse than men!” he joked.

“What, like you forget boiling hot water is, like, hot?” she joked.  Alex sighed and realised there was no point in arguing and carried on helping and carried the plates in to the small table, with candles lit and the couple of bottles of wine.

Vicky wandered in and over to Alex as he topped up the wine glasses, and cuddled up to him.  She didn’t say anything except to look up and smile at him.

“You alright?” Alex asked wondering what was going through her mind.

“Yeah, I’m fine.  I just wanted to be close to you” she said as she leant on his chest.

“Come on lets sit down, I’m sure that’s close enough for now.  I don’t want your hard work getting cold.” he said as she pulled back with a sly grin. “What?”

“Oh, just thinking that I wouldn’t want your hard work going cold either…” as she giggled away.

“What?” Alex looked perplexed and then just blushed “Nothing escapes you does it!” he said playfully tutting.

“Well…” she paused, “Hardly easy to miss is it now, all cosied up down there” she smirked.

“Look stop it, this is meant to be romantic, and you’re being all seedy” he said, again playfully tutting away.  She smiled and sat down, Alex did too, holding his wine glass up “I suppose we should have a toast, huh?”, Vicky carried on smiling.  “To us?”

“To us” she said as the glasses chinked, reaching over to kiss him again.  The two carried on chatting away throughout the meal, which was followed by a very English pudding but one that they both loved, Apple Crumble with Custard.  Yum!  An odd concoction with curry and wine, but it worked, and Alex did rather like her cooking too, even once to say he preferred it to his own mums!  Eventually the two love sick puppies snuggled up on to the sofa sipping on wine still, cuddled up cosily.

“That was great!” Alex remarked on the dinner, kissing Vicky on the cheek, in the flickering candlelight that gave the room that perfect warm glow.

“Glad it was to your liking” she smiled as Alex stroked her tummy gently, she shuffled over a bit so she could see Alex, and just smiled at him, smiling was she had to do, one look at him brought her such a lot of happiness.  She reached to his lips and kissed sweetly, Alex put his hand behind her head and passionate kissing ensued.  He ran his other hand over her body, so soft and delicate to the touch.  Soon enough it wasn’t just the room glowing, as they rolled around in this slow, delicate, passionate moment.  They had this often enough before, when they had dinner out, or something else that put both of them in the perfect mood, except this time, they would if they wanted to be able to go further.  And Vicky definitely did, as did Alex, though he still had a bit of trepidation as it was still in his eyes not all that long ago she was in hospital, but these sobering, dull thoughts were overrun by those of loving passion.  Alex ran his hand up Vicky’s leg and up her dress, just wanting to touch, and go, where she never ever let anybody go before.  She drew away from Alex’s face, to smile at him and unbutton his shirt to reveal his sexy toned chest, she pulled the shirt away and kissed as she stroked, feeling Alex slowly take her panties down.  She sighed in pleasurable tone and looked at him smiling, strongly at her,

“Should we perhaps take this upstairs?” she purred as she continued to kiss him.

“Can do I guess” he said in his deep enticing tone, as he dropped the thong he had removed on the floor, he stood up seeing her lying there glowing, just as she was about get get up, “Don’t!” he said as he knelt down to lift Vicky up into his arms.  “Don’t move anywhere my princess”.  She swooned almost as he picked her up in both arms.  She felt so much love she was flushed pink in all her cheeks as it eminated, she gazed at him sweetly with a hint of innocence as he took her up the stairs and into his bedroom, and gently knelt down again and placed her on the bed, she rolled over to look at him and kissed his forehead.

“I love you so, so much” she softly said moving her little finger to entice him over.  She got up and Alex dropped the dress straps down and unbuttoned at the back, she knelt on both knees and the dress drooped down, revealing her body with soft curves and sumptuous skin, and her proudly developed 36B bust, she moved over to him and kissed his lips.  She then looked down at his trousers, she reached down and unbuttoned and the unzipped revealing the pleasant bulge in his boxer shorts.  She grinned.  “Stand up boy!” she commanded but with sweet manner, he stood on the bed and dropped his trousers down, and then slipped his boxer shorts down, she smiled at the sight and stood up her self, wobbling slightly on the bed mattress.  Alex grasped the dress with lay on her hips and gently dropped it down to her feet.  The two stood in front of each other, both naked nearly two years after they had met.  Alex reached both arms out and reached around her hips, and slowly began to kneel down, lowering her gently beneath him, until she laid back down.  Alex swiped the clothes off the bed as he sat astride of her.

“Just take me, I’ve waited long enough” as she gazed upwards into his eyes as he drew away from her lips.  “Hold me close!”…

Come the morning, time, the candles had burnt out and the two lovers laid cuddled up snoozing away from their rather active night, suddenly Alex’s alarm went off, it was 12:00pm, midday, he reached one arm out to slap it off and turned back over to see Vicky peeking from her eyelids, he reached out and kissed her nose softly and smiled.

“Good morning my princess” he said still very soppy, they had only drifted off some five hours ago, after they passionately made love as the sun rose, and Vicky did make her little goal, orgasm, and she had that smile imprinted on her face.

“Good morning my lover boy” she said cuddling up to him “Last night was, it was perfect” she said kissing his lips with little kisses as she stroked his chin with her thumb.  “I love you so much”.

“Love you even more” Alex said joking around.

Eventually they rose out of bed, Vicky slipped on her bra top (somewhat cropped) and her thong she bought a few months after going full time so she could wear it with pride after her surgery, as if she needed a reminder anyway!  She slowly walked down the stairs to find Alex filling up the kettle with just his boxer shorts on, her fine sexy man as she wandered up behind him to hug him tight around his waist.

“Coffee?” he said sounding a bit tired as he rubbed his eyes.

“Sure, get the big mug so we can share” she said pointing to the cupboard.

“I’m going to have to have this black though he said” as he reached up to the mug cupboard.

“Looks like we’ll have to fit sleep in somewhere else now, doesn’t it honey!” she exclaimed as she lowered her hands to meet over his member to a little whimper.

“Sure does!  But hey, we’re not going to be doing that three times a night, seven days a week are we?” he just innocently asked.

“Well” she said suggestively “Would you want to?” she asked sounding seductive in her tone.

“Oh no” he paused to see her look around his shoulders up at him “I would want to do it much more than that” he laughed.

“We’ll see about that, when’s your mum back again?” she asked just wondering.

“About six o’ clock, but best not be too trusting of that time!” he said as he stirred the sugar into the coffee and turned around to take it into the front room so they could sit on the sofa.  They sat down both taking a big slurp, kissing as their lips met.

“So we might get one more chance, huh?” Vicky said making it quite clear what she meant!

“Hey listen to you, blimey I’ll be worn out!” he gasped in a joking tone.

“Well, there’s a heck of a lot to wear out yet” she smirked kissing him on the cheek to see him looking rather chuffed.

“I shan’t say no more” he said as he held her chin and drew her in…

Chapter Eighteen

“Stop that!” yelped Vicky as she saw one of the children pushing someone off the wall.  It was a game they were playing on a wall, it got higher and higher and they were exploring their world.  Discovering how far they could jump.  “I don’t mind you playing this, but, don’t push someone, you could hurt them!” she said talking sternly to one of the boys, Connor.  She then called them into the hall to get two play mats to put at the bottom of the wall to make the game safe, so they could carry on with their dare devil stunts.  She stood by the climbing frame looking at her watch for the first time since starting work that afternoon, it was almost six o’ clock and some of the children had already been picked up by their parents   She had only just started working at a local play-scheme, whilst at University, an after-school club which also operated during the summer holidays.  Having been involved many jobs up till now, she had finally found the job that would be much closer to where her heart was, working with children.  Eventually she was hoping to end up in primary school teaching, having just completed her second year at University out of the total of four years she was expected to stay there.  Having settled in very well in the few weeks that she had been working there for a mere four weeks at the time, she had managed to integrate well into the scheme, she got on very well with her colleagues, and odd as it may seem, her biggest fear were the children.  They are seemingly much more perceptive, but in honesty they are much more vocal about what they see, and she was just worried sick one of the children would cry out “But she’s a…” or “She looks like…”.  It never happened, almost.  Two of the children weren’t so sure, but that was soon overcome, as she had enough experience with how to deal with the seemingly rare occurrences of being read. 

Having managed to nail it down to two things which didn’t do her justice, she felt her nose was by all accounts big and very out of proportion on her face, and just on occasion for no reason at all, her voice would just slightly slip. It was a matter of ironing out in the case of the voice the silly little misgivings and research into having something about her nose done.  During the teen years her nose had been broken twice from the bullying, and blocked one of the nasal passages, since the age of thirteen she had only been able to breathe through one nostril, and so earlier in the year, she had a consultation for corrective surgery on her nose that would correct the blocked passage as well as make the nose more feminine and suiting to her facial size.  If anything the years finally on oestrogens had an effect to seemingly make her face a little ‘smaller’ which was rather profound to explain or qualify, but it wasn’t Vicky who observed it, it was others, and as time passed, the nose became even more prominent.  It was going to take 2975.00 pounds[1] to correct the nose, and then, she would be very happy indeed – because this would mark the end of hopefully anyone really suspecting something about her, it was very rare, but as she found out at work, it only took one person’s suspicion of her gender history to start rumours which though were small and contained, existed – not to the point they “outright knew” but they were wondering if just maybe, she was one of those people that they only ever saw on the television or in a newspaper.  However with all this aside, it was a rare thing for someone to outright know these days, and having the rhinoplasty would make her so much more comfortable around children, and more importantly, hopefully mean she didn’t have those unpleasant rare moments.  That may seem a rather dampening outlook on the end of her journey as she saw it, but for her, she had learnt there was no point trying to fool herself, being honest got her a very long way in short periods of time, and this was her honest reflection right now, and it was no small step to decide that in life she would work with children, the truest of all acid tests she felt.

She had been looking forward to this day, for some time now, it was Friday, and this evening was extra special, Alex was coming down not just to visit but to also move into their new place, just a one bedroomed flat, with a kitchen, bathroom and an adequate lounge, both being twenty, they were somewhat young to get somewhere together, but that didn’t faze them at all, he was coming to pick her up in his car as by now he was driving and causing havoc on the roads, as was Vicky, but she didn’t drive in knowing she had a ride back.  She was helping one of the children on the monkey bars, helping them make it from one side to the other, when she heard his voice behind her.

“Hope I’m not too late” he said, she turned around as she applauded the girl who had made it for the first time ever from the other side, with that helping hand.

“Not at all” she smiled.  The girl jumped off the climbing frame and stood between them.

“Victoria?” she asked “Is this your boyfriend?” she giggled.

“It is Lucy, this is Alex” she said back to her.

“Nice to meet you little miss” smiled Alex.

“You’re in love!” she jibed as she ran inside to the classroom which raised some smiles.

“Come on we better go inside as nobody else is out here now and since the last few should have their parents coming soon” she said reaching out to give him a hug.

“Sure, so glad to be here again honey” Alex said pulling away.

“Me too” Vicky said with a smile as they walked hand in hand to the classroom, where things were being packed away as the last two parents entered the door. Vicky waved good-bye to Lucy and another boy who attending the after school club, Ben.  Vicky sat down on one of the tiny chairs and rubbed her eyes slightly with tiredness at the end of the week.  The usual things were run through, the alarm was set, doors locked, and free for the weekend, which would probably be quite stressful with moving in.  Vicky said goodbye to the rest of the staff and got into Alex’s car which was full of boxes and bits and pieces, given that it was only a small car meant that room was at a premium.  Still the flat was not far from the school, maybe ten minutes or so, and one thing was for sure the things in the car weren’t going to get moved straight away, a good cup of tea, a long chat was in order before anything, especially before moving things in.

“Hey I was thinking” said Alex tapping on the steering wheel at the traffic lights, “Why don’t we have dinner out tonight, as a celebration?”  Vicky turned around smiling.

“That would be nice, what do you fancy?” she said just so thrilled to be by his side again.

“I’m not sure, maybe just something with chips, seeming as we always go to Indian, Chinese and whatever else usually” he said tailing off as he pulled away from the lights.

“Ok, sure, we’ll book a taxi or something so we can both have a drink” she said with a smile.

“Sure, isn’t there anything nearby to the flat we could go to though?” not knowing a huge amount about the city Vicky had lived in for two years.

“There is but on a Friday they’re going to be packed, besides I think I know somewhere which will be fairly quiet” as she tailed off reminding Alex at the last moment to take the next right.

“Ok, sounds good to me!” he said touching her knee as he pulled up outside the place, leaning over to peck her on the cheek, “I hope your excited about all this as I am!” remarking about the move.

“Kind of, maybe nervous, not sure why!” she said slightly looking down.

“Nervous?  Well, new place and all that!  This is the third time you have moved in two years, bound to feel a bit jumpy, I’m sure we can make this place feel like home” he smiled, looking her in the eye, reaching over to kiss her again.

“It will be, we’re both together now” she smiled opening the car door and stepping out on to the pavement.

“Gorgeous evening isn’t it!” exclaimed Alex looking up at the golden sky from the slowly setting sun hiding behind a few clouds.

“Sure is, maybe we could sit out on the balcony” she grinned, after two years of sharing with other people, which for the first year was pretty tough as she didn’t really get on well with some of the people she was with, the second year was better, as they were a good bunch, and instead of eight sharing, it was only six, now – only two.  Alex’s mum had promised she would visit the following weekend after they had moved in, and Vicky’s family also said they would come down if they could at the same time, saving Alex’s mum a separate journey on the train.

They got inside the flat, which was looking obviously very sparse, bar the carpet and the odd piece of well used furniture, there wasn’t even any lampshades or anything that resembled creature comforts, which meant for Vicky a good day going around home furnishings stores and probably knowing Alex, a day of boredom, filled with yawning and an apathetic effort to be interested!  Not that he didn’t care, he didn’t mind what she chose within reason and wished it wouldn’t take so long.  Still he was not about to moan, Vicky walked into the kitchen spinning around on her feet in joy at their first place together, Alex meanwhile opened the doors which lead out onto the balcony and stood hands held on the ornate railings looking at the sunset, there wasn’t much of a view, to the left was the parkland and gardens which were kept nice, and to the right were some flats on the opposite side of the road, but this was not bad all things considered, living in a central location whilst still at University for Vicky.  Vicky dug around in the box she brought in earlier that day which had a few essentials including the kettle and some crockery including some mugs.  In the cupboards were a few sparse items including the all important tea bags and coffee, and in the fridge the milk.  That was all they had, enough to make tea and coffee, but they had some hectic days ahead if they didn’t want to be eating out at a relative expense.

“Tea or Coffee honey?” she yelled out from the Kitchen.

“It’s ok honey, I’m right here, no need to shout!” he said leaning on the door frame looking rather nice indeed!

“Sorry, I thought you were still outside” she said filling up the kettle.

“I’ll have coffee please” he said in his slightly subdued tone.  Vicky flicked on the kettle and walked over to him to cuddle up.

“Nice choice of clothes today” she smiled wryly, she loved those vest tops, and his slightly changed look, with a bit of a sideburn thing going on, coupled with some cropped trousers and sandals, Vicky had at least gave him some sense of style.  Well maybe told him what to wear because she liked it on him!

“Too hot to wear anything else in that car on a day like today” he said rubbing her back.

“I suppose so, hey do you want to wipe over those two chairs out there and the table, looks like they caught some rain from last week, it was terrible the downpours we had here” she said walking back into the kitchen to find a cloth in her box of goodies.

“I remember you saying, mind you it had to happen what with all this gorgeous weather we are having I suppose, mind you, least you’ve tanned nicely” he said smiling suggestively!

“Well you look pretty well tanned yourself, here’s that cloth, I’ll bring the drinks out so you may as well sit down” she said stirring her tea.  Alex wiped down the chairs and table as told and sat down in the warm summer heat, looking at the time.  “You better call the taxi soon” he yelled out.

“Yeah, sure, after this” Vicky said as she walked out towards the balcony. 

Alex stood up with a big smile, “Thanks”

“Well sit down then” she joked, suddenly being pulled into his arms, kissing.

“Missed you so much sweetheart” Alex said in that tone that left goose-pimples on Vicky.

“Just the same here” she said pulling him close to herself again.

After she had drunk the tea, she walked inside to get her handbag to call the taxi to collect them at eight o’ clock, and to quickly get changed and put some make up on, Alex sat outside reading the newspaper whilst he waited.  About half an hour later, Vicky came back out again, just wearing some smart jeans and a nice top, and her little black kitten heeled shoes that Alex bought her for her birthday.

“You look lovely as usual” Alex said peering above the newspaper which he then folded up and put on the table.

“I’ll pay for tonight honey, I know it’s not cheap driving here, and don’t argue!” she said in a firm tone sitting down.

“I was rather hoping you would say that” he said in a cheeky tone.

“Hey, if you’re going to be like that, then you will also have to pay” she joked.

“Look just because we now live together doesn’t mean you can boss me around now as you please” he joked with a big grin.

“Well make sure you behave then” she said lightly slapping his leg with the newspaper, she unfolded it to take a look “Blimey, can’t you read something better than this paper, like a comic except just full of women’s boobs in it!” she exclaimed folding it back up and still smiling away, Alex remained silent just grinning.  “Well I’m not going to nag” she sighed in good humour.  “What are you grinning at anyway?” she asked curiously.

“Oh, just listening to you again, being together again, just so glad nothing has changed!” he smiled.

“Nothing will, I hope” she said looking at her watch, the taxi was due any minute.  “Hey you do realise that in about three months we will have been together for, well, four years!” she exclaimed broadly smiling away.

“Yeah, sure is innit!” Alex said surprised himself that it was already that long.

“Funny how I had such a big crush on you when I was nine and luckily you came back for me” she said fluttering her eyelids.

“Oh, well I didn’t come back for you, somebody else but you know, bumped into you, and well…” he said still being cheeky.

“Looks like someone’s heading for the front door!” she grinned waving her foot playfully suggesting she would kick him out.

“Anyway you know I don’t mean that!” he said “You know, I have often laid in bed at night looking at photos of us, when you have been away here, on your own and felt really quite tearful.  And quite often, usually at the same time, I don’t know what I would have done in life if I never met you, I don’t want to think about it, it scares me that maybe we never would have been together…” he said tailing off noticing the little tear drops well up in her eyes.  “Don’t cry my angel, silly thing you!” he said pulling a tissue from her handbag offering it to her to dab on her eyes.

“Sorry, I can’t help it, I just…” she burst out into tears and grabbed him around the waist and hugged him tight “I would never be where I am today without you, I love you so, so, so much!” just peering up from her tearful eyelids to look at him smiling, warmly, strongly.

“I think just the same myself” he said as he dabbed the tears.  “Come on, the taxi should be here now, and we want you to look like the little angel you are, not a blubbering love sick puppy!” he joked.

“Can I be a love sick puppy though?” she said with a little laugh.

“You always can, until I annoy you enough that is” he joked, going back to his cheeky jibes.  Vicky just sat there close smiling.  Suddenly there was the bib of a car horn, the taxi had arrived.  Alex checked she looked fine and reassured her.  Shutting the balcony doors and walking out down the stairs to the front door and locking it.

“It was to the complex by the seafront wasn’t it love?” said the taxi driver in broad Cockney[2] accent.

“Yes it was, it is still OK to pick us up at 11 o’ clock, yes?”

“Yeah, think so, not sure it’ll be me though love” he carried on, pulling away out of the road and down the tree lined avenue with the blooming gardens in the middle.

It didn’t take more than ten minutes to get there, on the way the two cuddled up with Vicky peering out at the window, watching life go by as they drove down the avenue on to the seafront which was teeming with people, just watching what people do, almost as if life was in slow motion.  This is something she always tended to gaze on with admiration and deep yearning, wanting to be part of that social fabric, just to be a nobody that didn’t stand out, just another person in their life course, wearing a smile of happiness, and no longer feeling worthless to everybody, everything and to herself.  It was something of a coincidence that this year marked her twentieth birthday, twenty years since a nightmare began, twenty years on, the ordeal was over, she had spent a good part of her life as herself, more and more so, and from now onwards would live most of her life properly, in a fulfilled manner.  Everything that was so taken for granted by many, meant so much to her, she learnt the value of what life meant, she didn’t want to waste a day in her life any more.  With Alex, she had found perfect love if such a thing exists, and one day would have a career, and a family – all she ever wanted.  She never wanted riches, she just wanted the simple things, an uncomplicated and unenviable lifestyle.  She was still very young, she could enjoy the joys of having friends at last, going out and enjoying herself, free from the shackles that held her from within.  She was now just an average girl in her early twenties, she got her life back, before it was snatched away from her.  It’s amazing that all this, everything she was, was never seen till she was sixteen.  All of this came from within.

The two wined and dined, eating good English pub grub, playing footsies under the table being playful, as they sipped on their drinks, Alex relishing his lager and Vicky sipping on wine, actually rather drunk by this point to!  They shared the most gorgeous chocolate cake which was divine, placing chocolate on her lips, Alex began to draw a little bit of attention from some older couples who were pretty much frowning at the freedom of expression they both showed.  But they did not care one bit, they were only showing their love for each other.  Eventually five eleven came and Vicky got a text message on her mobile to confirm the taxi was going to be there for eleven.  She then received another from Emily, seeing how she was, Vicky replied saying “Everythins gr8. Alex got here ok. Bin out for dinner which was romantic, oh and the choc cake was the best! Luv yas, Sis xx”.  They walked down the stairs arm in arm and waited outside the front doors in the by now chilling moonlit night.  The two stood their snogging away, people didn’t even flinch as they walked past, again they did not care what people thought.  Alex saw a taxi coming down the sliproad, and withdrew.

“Think our ride’s here girl!” he smiled looking rather gorgeous with his lager fuelled grins.

“Looks like it!” she smiled back just caressing his fingers as they stood gently in front of each other.

Alex opened the door for Vicky who thanked him for the gentleman like courtesy, as well as shut the door, then he scooted around the back to get in the cab door the other side.

“It was by the Avenue you’re going isn’t it?” the taxi driver asked, obviously not the same guy as before.

“Yep, sure is!” answered Alex snuggling up to Vicky in the back seat.  Things were a bit quieter now along the seafront, and up the avenue, the children had since left the park for the day and the taxi swung up the road where their flat was.

“That’ll be a fiver” the taxi driver said pulling up outside, Alex handed him the money, and both got out and thanked him, they wandered up the garden path to the flat’s front door.

“Hey I was just thinking…” Alex said.

“What?” smiled Vicky broadly with docile eyelids from the wine she had been drinking.

“We’ve got no mattress!” he groaned.

Vicky pouted and stood hands on hips, as if to say ‘Tsk, you men!’.  But she then scrunched her lips up, looking around, and sighed, slightly miffed about the bed situation!  Alex stood there grinning.

“Well we have carpet!” he announced.  Vicky smiled back,

“I don’t want carpet burn though!” she laughed as she opened the front door, running inside.

“Come here you!” growled Alex in a joking manner as he shut the door and chased her up the stairs.

All that could be heard was the thud of the footsteps up to their flat.  And a lot of giggling, and laughter…  And – a lot of happiness from within……



[1] : United Kingdom Pounds. (UKP)  Roughly $1.50 USD (US Dollar) equals 1.00 Pound.  Rhinoplasty almost $4500.00 in USD.

[2] : Cockney.  The ‘common’ accent of Londoners, popularised by films like “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch”, and people like Vinnie Jones.  The other main accent you will probably hear on films featuring English people (the other being Queen’s English, i.e.: ‘posh’).


Life after the cure.  I really do quite like that little phrase, in fact its meaning always shifts, not only with my own definition of where my life is at in years to come, but also an individual’s perception of ‘cure’ and what is required to cure.  I can only possibly suggest that is when the person is totally happy about themselves, which enables them to a successful life, it’s a point where your gender dysphoria just does not exist any longer, there is no predefined state to which that comes, just your own definition.  My definition would be looking like myself, sounding just like myself, gender confirmation surgery and being totally integrated into every part of society that I wish to be part of.  I have to say that probably only came very recently for me, as this year has been just above and beyond anything I could possibly image, hence this is probably a good as time as any in the future to write a postlude.  Assimilating as a woman 100% to myself and everybody else to see at last has been something of deep joy to me, my studies are going superbly and though my life is nothing outstanding, I’m not some megastar (I never want to be either, thanks), I just enjoy life, can look at it and smile, my job provides me such deep pleasure and was the final piece in that jigsaw to find acceptance.  I have done my fair share of nasty jobs, but it was now time to bite the bullet and pursue a job in the field I wished to work in, childcare/teaching.  Children are the most accepting people of all, on the whole, and the most honest about what they see.  To just know that despite in early days a couple of children seeing something, it provided me the motivation to figure out what I could improve upon, and sure enough it worked, and the children don’t ever see me anything other than that girl in the corner painting, or playing hockey and football.  Their acceptance of me as female just by what they see was that final piece of the jigsaw, if I can pass to children, I have no reason to fear my future career aspirations and feel very much complete.  A young and accepting transition can do this, remember that this is your child if you are a parent, and love will take you, and them anywhere they want to go in life.

Talking of the ‘cure’ again, Lynn Conway can often be heard championing the word of that there needs to be a change in society’s perception of gender dysphoria, to a more understanding and indeed correct viewpoint.  In the case of trans-girls, she wishes for the shift to be from the perception of that child being a boy with a mental problem, to move towards the correct understanding of a girl with a physical problem.  The vice versa applies to trans-boys, they’re boys with a physical problem.  I can only fully put my heart to that sentiment.  To consign me as being somebody who at least once was a boy with a mental problem is totally derogatory, I was and will never be a boy/man/male for as long as I live, and as long as I rest in peace too.  Too many professionals shall we call them, speak on our behalf saying what they think they know, but maybe we should ask the real professionals, us as individuals.  The fact I no longer have a physical problem, should suggest I no longer have a gender dysphoria or suffer from it.  That sounds like a cure to me, this is the cure, this is the only cure that will ever work.  What if tests are one day made to tell whether a child being carried is homosexual, bisexual, or transsexual, what are we going to do – purge those unborn babies who we decide to deny the right to life because we cannot bring ourselves to truly evolve our thinking and welcome people of all types.  Would it be right for these tests to eradicate homosexualism by aborting unborn babies, sounds so much like the Nazi Concentration Camps that segregated the political opposition, the disabled and homosexuals to name a few to remove them from society.  If we keep looking to rid of problems we continue to hide from, we will never, ever move on.  Depressing outlook, but that’s the stark reality of an alternative “cure” that may one day be found.  Killing babies because they aren’t quite ‘right’.

I speak for a cure I know that works, I speak as one small quiet voice amongst many that scream that this is the cure, we were allowed to find our own way, we weren’t exterminated, we were allowed to build a life, find happiness, build relationships and find love – and that is what we should look to do, make everyone welcome, no matter what, allow them to define themselves and succeed in the life they want.  This is the positive outlook, it is a small known fact comparatively that the cure for transsexualism is one of the most successful treatments in the medical field.  I know it did for me.

Don’t let the dream die, because dreams do become reality, and they could become reality sooner than you may ever think…

Pain does dissipate from your life…

Happiness does come…

And if you are the parent/carer of any child that announces they are so intensely transsexual that they cannot go on, remember your love will take them anywhere they want to go in life, because many parents and carers have found out quite rightly – the resulting person that comes from within is more than worth it.

On my final note, I once felt that I would have to run away, to Australia, or France, maybe the USA to be able to be myself.  I never thought I would have been accepted, I never thought I would be able to realise myself here in the UK, truth is, I never did…

Keep what you know in your heart and soul held in the highest regard, and never, ever, let it go.  Your heart and soul make you the wonderful person you truly can be, because this is not a story that ends for me, or you with “The End.”….