From Within

Chapter Three

It was not long into Vicky's second year at secondary school, by now twelve years old, she dreaded going back to school, not for her studies but the people who made her life so unbearable at times.  She never had a prominent profile but she always made an extra effort and as such received certificates and work credits, however in the new term she felt apathetic to the work more than anything wondering if there was ever any point.  After all if she could never be who she really was, there was no point in her eyes.  Such a sad thing to have happened to someone with so much potential.  Also at home things were far more strained, she felt as if her and Emily were beginning to grow apart as Emily found her own interests outside of the home; but they still got on so well.  Vicky kept her attendance up at school though, some mornings especially on Mondays she would feel so awful about going she would fake sickness, just for a day or two to get away from the bullies; but often her parents were firm insisting she went, even when she was genuinely ill, but she had faked it so many times by then!


She still got good grades, but she didn't try too hard, she got picked on just the same as she always did no matter how she tried to get the horrible individuals off of her back.  At this time, it was cold and it was winter, she would hide away in the library at break and lunchtime reading anything as per usual that took her fancy.  But her growing isolation and ever deepening gender issues, began to prompt her to look for 'answers'.  The library at the school was actually rather good, and she found they had a section on things dealing with society, and sexuality.  She was very intelligent for her age, but despite this she still found it hard to understand the books.  In order to read these books she often found that a bigger book was required to hide the often much smaller books on sexuality inside so that no one knew what she was reading.  She could not afford to be seen reading books on homosexuality when she was already being taunted over being gay heavily; and if people found out she was reading such a book, they would have pounced on her and have hugely intensified the homosexual taunts.  She had her own doubts too, maybe she was just a very feminine homosexual man?  But she never felt that way, she never felt she was gay, if she was gay - that would mean she was a lesbian, in her mind she was just your average heterosexual girl.


During a week in December, the library was closed for refurbishment as though its collection was diverse and very well stocked, it was a bit drab and in need of a lick of paint.  Unfortunately for Vicky she hated the cold, and it was a bitter winter.  She only knew it all too well as she was often forced to do PE when she didn't have a sick note as she quite often had, she detested it.  She found that in Rugby and Football (that she could not stand) people deliberately hurt her, and because she was never very good at catching she was taunted at and shouted at for dropping a ball - and this was from her PE instructors too.  Once she was on the pitch as the instructor got so fed up with her she burst into tears as he shouted in her face, and all sorts of taunts and heckling ensued, she was an emotional carnage being pushed ever closer to the brink. 


As the library was closed, Vicky had to sit outside in the cold as she sometimes found cruelly her coat had been hidden over lunch hours only to be put back when lunchtime's finished, she dared not say anything and shivered in the cold; sitting on the ground reading a book she would bring in from home, every lunchtime the same lads picked on her and said the same taunts that you would believe you would become tired off and desensitised to, for Vicky, being such a sensitive soul, that never was the case and she often welled up when the heckling and abuse came forth and it never stopped.  After the incident by the bike shed, she thankfully hadn't suffered such a beating in around six months, but still she had no hope it had stopped for good.


As she read up more and more on the books in the library she found a book on sexual identity, it turned out it was written by a psychologist many years ago as it was an old dusty tome.  She read it with fervour as she found it dealt with gender, and in the book she read with such eager anticipation; she found out she was not alone, there were other girls in boy's bodies.  Also to her surprise she never really thought there could be boys trapped in girl's bodies but it made so much sense that it happened to boys!  She read and read until she read the words which were what she was technically know as, a "male to female transsexual".  She could not believe it, the relief this afforded her no matter how short lived was immense relief to know she was not alone with her problems.  She ran home that day smiling for the first time in an age, and Emily was in her room brushing her hair as she had got in from school and changed.  Vicky ran up to her and told her the good news, Emily understood what Vicky was saying, sure she did not understand why her sister was called such a long winded name by the medical profession, but she gave her sister a great big tearful hug and she said to her,


"Since we know this now we know it will be possible for you to be corrected, yes?"

"I know, I know, it's fantastic!  I want to be put right tomorrow, but I know it won't happen" sighed Vicky.

"But in time sis, it will, won't it?" Emily smiled as looked her sister in the eye and saw they both were crying a bit.

"I really do hope so honey" Vicky said back with an essence of her glumness that was plaguing her life.

"It will and I will be there for you" Emily said as she reached out for Vicky to hug her and they cried together.  At last they had some good news, and for Vicky her sister as ever was such a dear source of inspiration and love.


Life was also physically becoming much more stressful, she began to notice changes in her, and she had long tried to hide the fact other girls had already started developing in the normal female way a few years ago, she never really believed that as she got older she would start to develop correctly, but that never stopped her childhood prayers she so often held all of her trust in.  But she knew as she saw girls developing, their breasts and their shape changing and their faces remaining clear and feminine, she began to see her face change as it drooped from the stress of life and also the wrong puberty beginning to attack.  She had a very high pitched voice as well, higher than most other girls, but she never really expected the first of the worst things to happen, she turned thirteen in July, at the end of year eight and began to notice her voice faltering, and becoming like her dad's voice, deep and booming, not graceful or sweet or a reflection of the soul inside.  She noticed herself getting taller, she was always short for someone who appeared to be a boy; and this only added to her being an easy target, but so quickly she grew whilst she saw other girls not shooting up as fast; she feared that she was fast becoming like her dad and would be far too tall, by the age of thirteen Vicky was 5'4", only an inch shorter than her mum, and much taller than Emily who was so small and petite, but then she was only ten.  But for Vicky this brought further anguish and even envy, as she saw her beloved sister begin to change and develop normally, and see she was happy that her femininity was being established.


But this was not the worst, as time progressed, and as Vicky began year nine, she was thoroughly depressed, she was suffering just as much verbal abuse and being beaten up on a monotonous regularity, held in headlocks and punched in the stomach, footballs kicked at her, and being shoved around and tripped up.  Once again she found herself being kicked to the floor and suffering from bloody noses and bruises and deep pain, physically and emotionally.  She felt totally abused by others and by her own body, she had facial hair starting to grow and the pain was so much initially she was stunned that such a thing should happen to her, and typically for her she was one of the first ones to get facial hair and suffered taunts of "ape" and "monkey".  She gave up most times on her appearance and did not care for how she looked.  Her voice had dropped as its low sullen nature perhaps showed how she felt, her delightful friendly voice, was replaced by a monotone drone.  It could not escape her attention however that her nose seemed to be getting bigger like her dad's nose, and she wanted her smaller petite nose back, she wanted her smaller graceful body back, but the shoulders broadened and her pelvis remained narrow like boy's pelvis' were, unlike her sister's and other girls.  Most of all, all she ever wanted when she was younger was the hope one day she could bear children and have babies, but she knew it would never happen - probably, and that the disfiguring parasite that was her wretched penis was getting bigger when all she wanted was for it to disappear.  It was no wonder that she was soon on anti-depressants; and nobody but her and Emily knew why.



Emily sensed the seemingly unstoppable downward spiral Vicky was falling into - she was by this time 15 and in year ten and Emily had just started secondary school too aged eleven.  She couldn't help but notice that her sister's dark foul mood swings and reclusiveness were driving a wedge between the two of them when it shouldn't be that way.  The two sisters had been close to each other for all their lives.  After all, Emily only had to look at some of the photos around the house to see herself being held in Vicky's arms when she was a baby and many more of the two girls.  They had been that close for so long, from the beginning really.  Emily knocked on Vicky's door, as for evenings on end she hid away in her room, after school playing on her computer to try and amuse herself.  As well as her usual reading and drawing, and writing about her frustrations, which seemingly never ended and could neither be satisfactorily explained.


"Vicky, it's Emily!" she knocked

"Yes..." Vicky prompted and Emily walked in

"I have noticed for a very long time you seem to be getting more and more depressed with yourself, are you OK?" asked Emily, though asking Vicky if she was alright was a silly question.

"Yes, I'm fine as usual..." sighed Vicky as she turned her chair around and put her drawing pencil and pad down, and she frowned and looked at the ground

"...actually I'm not alright, I haven't talked to you in ages about my problems because I don't want to bore you, anyway you have your own life to get on with" said Vicky in her usual self critical manner.

"Look" Emily said as she shut Vicky's door "I have been looking at those photos of you and me when I was a little baby and toddler and how you looked at after me, now it's my duty to look after you now in your time of need"  said Emily firmly knowing her sister would try and say she wasn't in need of help but really was.

"You don't owe me anything, I did it because I love you" Vicky said with a little smile as she thought back to the days of singing to Emily in her cot as she snoozed.

"And I'm going to help you because I love you too" Emily said putting her hands on her hips and grinning in a statement of firmness.


The two girls went into Emily's room where Vicky started mouthing off about everything she hated about herself, and she was very scared of getting taller still, she was 5'5" but already short for a 'boy'; as most boys were taller than her, though she was one of the taller girls in her year, she feared that she would soon shoot up to six feet tall and loose all sense of gracefulness, something her voice had taken no sympathy over.  Emily sat beside her on the bed with an arm over her shoulder as Vicky poured out all of her self hate and tears, and Emily could not believe that such a cruel twist of fate should ever have been afforded to her dear sister. 


"Look, you may not look like you want to, or how you used to, but I can help you look right again" Emily smiled trying to give Vicky some hope

"But I can't look like it all the time can I, when I step out of this room, downstairs, at school or if I dare go outside, I have to take off everything and look horrible again, I don't even talk like girls now, nothing is right"

"But I can help you with that too, you need to say something to mum and dad before you do some serious harm" Emily said with deep concern

"I almost have on many occasions, wanting to, well you know, end it".  On saying this Vicky burst into tears again, Emily jumped off the bed and in anger almost she yelped

"Don't you ever, ever, try doing something like it again, I want you as my sister and I'm not going..." Emily paused, held back as the shock turned back into understanding as she sat back on the bed and hugged Vicky and gave her a kiss on her cheek. "Just don't do anything, we all love you too much!"


Emily had recently started wearing makeup sometimes, not much, but a sign of children losing their innocence much earlier than perhaps in past years, but then - she was just as bad as Vicky was at her age, looking at all the boys and having the odd crush or two!  She sat Vicky down, and combed her ragged long hair


"You should look after your hair better, it could be really nice but it looks yucky!" Emily frowned

"I know, but I never see the point" sighed Vicky


Emily made best of the unkempt hair, and combed it straight and it did look quite a lot better, but it needed a really good wash.  She then asked Vicky if she had ever tried using makeup.


"I have, but I can't get it right, no one has shown me properly" answered Vicky

"Ok it's simple, just take your time at first, you'll get quicker and soon have it fine" Emily said reassuringly only to feel her sister's cheek and chin

"Hmm, you should shave off this hair, it's spiky, I don't mean that nastily but you need to get rid of it to look like a girl again honey!" Emily said, and Vicky stooped off to her room, grabbed the cursed facial shaver and dumped it on Emily's dresser.  Emily picked it up and gave Vicky a shave, which was a very humiliating thing for Vicky, she should never have to do such a thing.  Emily looked at her face and pulled a few items from her small makeup box, and looked at her sister's face with an artist's fervour, both of the girls after all had some talent in the arts.  She pulled out a lilac eyeshadow and her black eyeliner pencil, a black mascara and as Vicky's skin was pale, a rosy blusher and some Vaseline to make her lips glossy.  She applied each item one by one and instructing Vicky to close her eyes at points as she applied the makeup with a sense of eagerness to see her sister for real.  Vicky quipped that she had got the hang of most things, but had difficulty using the eyeliner and not prodding her nose with the mascara wand.  She always got upset when she tried herself and made a mess, as she could either just laugh at herself or just cry with feelings of  "I can't ever be a girl, I can't even do simple girl things".


Vicky saw her face take shape and a smile began to emerge as as Emily leant out of the way as she made her final movements with her blusher brush, she moved her head out of the way from the dresser window and Vicky saw a pretty face she had not seen for so long and she began to weep with happiness. 


"Don't start crying, the mascara will run!" joked Emily

"Hehe, I know, I'm just so happy!" beamed Vicky looking at Emily as if she was a magician of special qualities

"Now, I will lend you one of my tops, you'll have to wear your trousers as you're a bit too tall for mine and your trainers" said Emily reaching into her wardrobe

"I wish I had trainers like you have, they're so much nicer than my grubby black ones" said Vicky looking at Emily's baby blue slip on trainers and adorable pink lace ups, as Vicky remembered the envy she had for the other girls when she was at primary school and seeing some girls in PE with cute pink trainers.   She fetched her trainers and her best jeans and walked back into Emily's room, not in a hurry, she didn't even think about James or her mum and dad seeing her with make-up on, it just seemed normal to her.

"Do you want a plain white top, or there is pink, pale yellow or baby blue Vicky?" asked Emily waving four colourful strappy tops, two with embroidered patterns, one with a cute cartoon flower and the other was just the plain pink top.  Since pink was one of Vicky's favourite colours and one that was a strict taboo she could not wear usually, she picked the pink top and being careful not to ruin Emily's efforts with her hair as she slid the top on. She grabbed Emily's hair brush to tidy her hair and looked in the portrait mirror adoring Emily's wardrobe.


"I can't believe it Emily!" gasped Vicky in shock

"I know, you look fab girl!" smiled Emily seeing the huge positive impact the makeover had on her sister

"Thanks so much sis, I love you so much!" Vicky said still beaming, hands on hips swinging on the tips of her toes and wishing she could run out into the road like it.  But she still had her deep rotten voice, she thought of this and it hurt thinking about it, but she did not want it to ruin the moment!

"See you can look like a girl still" smiled Emily as she looked at Vicky, who wasn't so desperately out of proportion as she had feared.

"I know Emily, but I just feel wrong" responded Vicky

"You know I am going to help you with all of that, you must tell mum and dad, you could be so much happier, look at you now!  They will understand, it just may be a huge shock!" Emily said with sincerity and hope her sister would say something soon

"I know, I know that all too well, I'd say something now but I am so scared" Vicky sighed and looked a bit glum

"I will help you tell them, and I mean soon..." said Emily.  She had seen how happy her sister was seeing more of her real self in the mirror, but she knew the next day she would feel so down, what with school and the facial hair creeping back, the worry of if she could tell her parents, the various insults she was still getting. However thankfully this was with less intensity than in previous years and so many other things that brought her to her knees.  Thankfully Emily being young and naivem thought that perhaps, and correctly too, all those things could be overcome in time, it was this that made her pledge in her mind she would do everything she could for her sister.




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