From Within

Chapter Ten

Friday arrived, after some anticipation, as it was Vicky's first appointment with the gender psychiatrist.  She had saved 160 for the appointment which would cover the whole first session, she offered to pay in full to her parents, but they told her that half is fine.  She had also been in touch with Alex on Thursday, not to say where she was going but to arrange something to do at the weekend, they had pretty much decided on going to the cinema and probably getting something to eat out.  However, the importance of the day ahead meant that her thoughts were unusually diverted away from those of Alex!  The journey to the psychiatrist's office was a five hour drive away, it was all the way to London, which was certainly not around the corner.  Vicky's appointment was at 3.30pm though invariably this time could change with previous patients appointments over running.


The journey on the way down was somewhat long winded, the same old way to London, along big fast roads where the only various in landscape came from the cars that went past, the colours of the street lamps on the motorway and well... that was it!  Vicky decided that day to wear her favourite colours, which happened to mean big flared pink baggies, a pink strappy top and baby blue knitted zip up jacket with cute draw strings, and Ellen and Chris were asking lots of questions from Vicky.  Not so much about her past and various events that had happened, as they had done all that and the past months.  In fact she had been living full time for over two months by this stage, and she had pretty much proven even more to them that above all there was the proof that she was much happier, enthusiastic, attentive, caring and loving amongst many other positive aspects since she started living fully as a girl.  Ellen was more interested in what the administration of female hormones (oestrogen) would do, and Vicky delightfully talked about her skin getting softer, halting any further masculinisation, her breasts finally growing.  When Vicky said that Ellen sort of flinched as she looked at Chris who was trying to concentrate on his driving.


"So you will have breasts, then?" asked Ellen.

"Oh yes, they say about one size smaller than your mum/sister and maybe even the same as, if you start early enough" giggled Vicky.

Ellen smiled "I just can't quite picture C cup boobs on you honey!  But I suppose as a girl you do want them rather than a stuffed bra!" Ellen joked.

"Definitely!" said Vicky.


Breasts though something Vicky never considered of high importance, more that she wanted her face and body to in general remain feminine and to still be 5'6"[1] tall and size six[2] shoes (though her feet had gotten bigger and she was getting closer to a seven[2]) she was happy her body looked as if it could be spared from reaching the heady heights her brother James was heading for.  Emily and James were staying over their aunt's house that night as Vicky, Ellen and Chris would not be back until gone midnight.  But to continue where we left off, Vicky did indeed see the development of her bust, just as many other features of herself, as being important to her female identity, she sure heard the whimpering from a couple of friends who didn't have any real bust sadly and how much it was such a sore point, that they lacked a basic part of what identified their femininity, and this was very much how Vicky felt.  Also, Vicky continued to explain the redistribution of fat around her body and indeed, the fact her bum and hips would become bigger, Ellen joked further saying to Vicky "your bum is big enough already" she joked, thankfully Vicky saw the funny side!


Eventually Chris pulled into a service station on the Motorway for half an hour's break from the monotony of motorway driving, and to have something to eat and drink.  Thankfully it was a relatively warm and bright day, it could have been much worse with it raining all the way there.  After the brief stop, Chris carried on his way down the motorway to London, keeping an eye on the time, thankfully there was no real traffic jams, just those in London to worry about.   They arrived and parked up in a nearby street only to have to pay the large parking meter fees, not unusual in Central London, however they were early and decided to walk around Earls Court (the district of London where Dr. Russell Reid's office was located) for half an hour or so, instead of waiting too long in his surgery.  Vicky was evidently very nervous by this stage and standing very close to Ellen, holding her hand and standing close, poor Chris felt a little left out, but then this was probably a mother daughter thing.


"You will be fine sweetheart" said Chris reassuringly.

"Thanks dad, your the best!" said Vicky reaching over to give him a hug as he locked the door.  So no longer did he feel neglected!  But soon enough Vicky grabbed hold of mum's hand again as they walked down the road past Earls Court Tube station and past the exhibition centre, which was hosting a Caravan exhibition, something which didn't interest them at all.  they walked down a few roads, past the shops and ended up looking in a book shop.  Eventually three o' clock arrived and the three trotted off down the road to the clinic, eventually arriving only  minutes later, down the steep steps.  It suddenly dawned on Vicky this would also be the first time she would see another transsexual, in real life.  She knocked on the door, holding Ellen's hand, and the door opened automatically.  They walked into the plush looking surgery, Vicky shut the door behind her.  Chris approached the receptionist and said who they were,


"My daughter has an appointment for three-thirty I believe?" he asked,

"Just let me check" said the receptionist "ahh yes, Victoria?" she asked.
"Yes, that's me" said Vicky trying to smile through her nerves.

"Please do take a seat, would you like tea, coffee?" she asked.  The three sat down and agreed to coffee and waited in anticipation.

"He's about fifteen minutes late running today, but he'll be here soon"  the receptionist said sitting back down again at the paperwork.


Vicky sat next to Ellen resting her head on her shoulder and holding hands on her mum's knee.  Eventually it was about quarter to three, there was only one other patient there, also a male-to-female trans person who was older than Vicky sitting quietly reading a magazine.  She had arrived just after them.  Eventually out the blue someone came out from the hallway to the rooms in the surgery, at first an older person, and then the man himself, Dr. Russell Reid.  Vicky knew what he looked like from a few television appearances he had made on documentaries regarding transseualism.  He went to his receptionist to instruct her what to do and to look who was next, it was Vicky's appointment.  He turned around,


"Hi, Miss Victoria Jefferies?" he said, in his deep New Zealand accent.  Vicky got up to shake his hand

"Hi, yes I'm Vicky" she said still really nervous.

"Is it ok if I speak to her on her own to start with?" Dr. Reid said to Ellen and Chris

"Yes, yeah, that's fine" said Chris doing the funny motion he tended to make with his head on agreeing with something.

"Will you be okay honey" asked Ellen smiling.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, see yas in a bit" she said.


Dr. Reid took her down the hallway to his office and offered her a seat on a plush green leather sofa, where the marks of wear and tear evidently showed where many had sat, and gone before her.  Something almost eerie about it, suddenly it felt like her life at home had disappeared, that Emily, James, her college friends, and even Alex were all so distant as she became full of her gender issues in her head.


"Don't worry Vicky, you'll be fine, so just relax, I'm not going to be too nasty" Dr. Reid laughed as he wrote down Vicky's name on her file.

"Ok, it's fine" she said saying a little white lie there.  She was fine, but was worried how the whole session would go.  Russell asked her a few questions, personal details at first, full name, home address and phone numbers, age and such like.

"Sixteen!  You're the youngest patient that I see" he said.  Vicky chuckled not really knowing what the response should be.

"Ok well lets make a start" he continued smiling.


He began to question Vicky all sorts of questions, bits and pieces on her past, how she felt about her gender, school, her childhood, and all those kind of questions, Vicky soon relaxed with his calm and kind manner.  She then went on to explain recent events with her parents and how she was now living full time and had already changed her name.  This explained to Russell a lot of why she turned up dressed in feminine clothes, and had by now half decent sounding female voice!  She explained the daily ritual of what she had to do to get herself looking fine, and Russell complimented her on her looks.


"Thank you" Vicky said blushing,

"Ok, well my next questions are on sexuality and how much you have possibly explored this" he asked, not realising of course for Vicky this was a fairly simple matter!

"Have you explored your sexuality at all" he asked.

"Erm" Vicky paused "well at school I never had any relationships at all, because it would have felt so wrong to me", Russell nodded as she continued "But I had my first crush on a boy when I was nine I think, and I have never fancied another girl, like, in that way, in the way I fancy boys" she said feeling the butterflies in her stomach come back.  "In fact since I have transitioned, I have had a boyfriend but we split up, however I met another guy..." she did not want to let on it was in fact her first crush! "...we met at the Fresher's Ball the college studen't Union held, and I think we may be going out..." she tailed off.

"Oh, so you have always I guess, seen yourself as a heterosexual woman and not as a homosexual man?" Russell asked.

"Definitely, I have never been a man and never been homosexual, otherwise I'd fancy other women!" she said with almost a light tone.  Russell smiled.

"So you don't think at all your issues could stem from a denial of homosexualism perhaps?" he said just to make sure in his mind.

"Well at the age of four I knew what I was, a girl, like I say, and I didn't have a sexuality then, let alone know I was homosexual at four and immediately deny it by being deluding myself into believing I was female.  I did wonder when I was eleven/twelve or so, before I found out the term transsexual, and so many people called me it..." she said sighing remembering the horrors "...but I have always known in my heart I am just a boring plain Jane boy loving woman!" she chuckled at the end.

"Ok, well I hope things with your boyfriend go well, does he know that you are transsexual as you say?" Russell asked.

"No, not yet anyway..." Vicky said thinking for a split second 'is he trying to trip me up?'.

"Do your parents know about him" said Russell with an essence of concern.

"Yes, well they only know the basics" she said reassuringly.

"Ok, that's good, for your safety of course" said Russell being very fatherly, and perhaps showing just how he earned his Uncle Russell name!


Eventually, Russell invited in Vicky's parents after about an hour of questioning and ran through all the things Vicky had said and discussed with him.


"Of course in talking to, Vicky, here" he said "she does show a very obvious cross-gender behaviour, and I'm sure you also know how much happier she is as a girl" he continued.

"Oh definitely" said Ellen sighing and rolling her eyes "when she was, well when we thought she was our son, 'he' was so depressed, unhappy, moody, and well, I'm sure she has told you about what she attempted this year" said Ellen not managing to bring the words 'suicide' to her mouth.  "But now, she is so happy and fulfilled, we could never take that away from her and really accept her as our daughter" Ellen said turning to Chris.  Russell nodded.

"Oh definitely, she is like a new person, except we already kind of know her, she is very much like her sister" Chris said nodding his head.

"Good, good..." Russell said acknowledging her parent's contributions.

"Well I'm sure you know she had also had some success in dating even!" Russell exclaimed with a little laugh.

"She had indeed, and met someone this Wednesday, didn't you honey?" said Ellen almost patronisingly.

"Mum" Vicky said sounding a bit embarrassed.

"It's ok, Vicky" reassured Russell "..well we have discussed a lot and I agree with her on her diagnosis of transsexualism, and would recommend that for the next three months a trial of female hormones..." said Russell much to Vicky's approval.


He continued to explain the effects and potential side effects, and how she could get them on the NHS[3], and essentially as they were the contraceptive pill, on an NHS prescription they would be totally free!


"In three months if you feel that this is right for you, we can discuss your progress then?" Russell said rhetorically.

"Thank-you so much" said Vicky as she was handed the prescription.  She felt a year in her eye, at last she had what she always knew she needed.  Russell directed them to the nearest chemist where Vicky could at least get her first three month's supply of hormones.  She shook Russell's hand and said quite firmly

"See you in three months then!", she knew with not an area of doubt this was the right thing for her.  Chris paid at the reception as they said good-bye and left the office, into the big world outside again.


The noise of cars, and everyday life came rushing back all of a sudden, as reality set back in and normality seemed semi restored from the haven that was the clinic they were just in.  They walked down the road to the chemists to buy the prescription Russell had given to Vicky, she also placed the letter for her GP and general note about being treated for male-to-female transsexualism in her handbag safely.  Eventually they entered the chemists and quietly explained where they had come from, the chemist was well know to Dr. Reid and seemed to be the place everyone went to for their first prescription!  Vicky handed over the money and walked out with over 3 months supply of hormones, or basically the pill.


As soon as she got back to the car, she took the first two for the day (having to take three every day, but best not to take them all in one go) and sat in the back of the car as Ellen and Chris looked on.


"What?" she said with a big grin!  "Were you expecting my breasts to pop out of my jumper as soon as I took them" she laughed.

"No, we're just very pleased for you honey" said Ellen.

"I'm glad it went well too, now do you fancy eating out" said Chris smiling to Vicky.

"Yes, that'd be really cool" she said still smiling and clutching the strip of pills.

"Ok, well we better make a move!" said Chris as it was by now gone half past five, as they were in the clinic for around an hour and a half in the end.


So off they drove for a nice quiet meal, in a pub where nobody knew them, nor would they suspect anything, things for Vicky could only truly get better from this day onwards, and that they certainly would.


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Chapter Eleven

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[1] : 5'6" (Five Feet and Six Inches) is 167cm in metric (eugh!) :)

[2] : Size 6/7 UK Women's size is Euro size 39/40.

[3] : NHS, National Health Service.  The UK's publicly funded (via taxation) health service.

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