From Within

Chapter One

Vicky was just another ordinary girl, and had only just started primary school, aged four and a bit.  She soon made fellow girl friends, even with a couple of the boys there, she didn't know that at the time, she wouldn't be at that school for very long before she and her family moved far away.

Of course, I say Vicky was just a normal girl, but she had something different about her, compared to all the other girls. This for many years to come made her very unique to most, and she soon realised as she began to think for herself what was unique or perhaps so very wrong with her.  You see, unlike most girls, Vicky had a boy's body, and was called by a boy's name and was treated by friends and family as a boy.  It was at the age of four that Vicky soon realised to herself that she didn't feel like the boy everyone told her that she was, but very much like a girl.  I suppose you may say, how can a four year old know she isn't a boy like everyone else says she is and contrary to her body's appearance.  Then, it is the most basic identity issue, and she did not feel or think like boys, she was just a girl.

She carried on playing with what she wanted, and with whom she liked and carried on in the way that she only knew how.  Not before long however, she soon found she was often being picked on, mostly by older boys, being called names and to the extent of being pushed out of the lunch and tuck shop queues, and made to cry, it wasn't fair for such a young thing.

But she still had her true friends and that made her happy, and her family were quite permitting of her not typical masculine behaviour which they maybe expected of her, but being the first born, her parents knew no better perhaps.  She contently played with her teddies having tea parties in her Wendy House, playing with her post office set, riding her yellow bike and drawing away.  There was also a new baby in the household, at last she had the baby sister she so dearly wanted, and she was so cute!  She already had a brother, born the year previous, he was nice enough, but not a sister for poor Vicky!


Now that she had her sister, and instantly took to her, her name was Emily and she played with her as a little baby, but inside felt a little envy creeping in, why can Emily be treated like a girl, and not herself?  It was simply because Vicky's parents saw her as a boy, not a girl, and as she would find out – this would almost lead to her death in later years.  But not to dwell on sad things a year later, Vicky's mum and dad decided that the time had come to move from their current house, to one which was in the country, by this time she was five years old.

Having spent a lot of summers in this part of England, Vicky was alright about moving away; but she as any child was reluctant to let go of her old home which for her, symbolised her security despite the bullying that was already creeping into her life.  And now that a year had past when the emergence of identification of being female, her feelings had deepened further and so had her conviction and the upset was beginning to creep in about her treatment, which was not very much like her sister, though her parents were ‘alright' about her apparent femininity, as her brother was in no way like she was, she was much more like her sister Emily.

As time past, Vicky made new friends again at her new school, predominantly girls as you could expect; but not before long, the bullying curiously started again, she did not understand why other people should be so mean to her for no apparent reason, calling her names and even sometimes punching her.  Even worse, she even started getting beaten up, this was not at all fair.  Especially as her own gender identity issues were deepening in their severity and causing their own distress.  Often crying at night, or screaming inside “Why can't I be normal”, praying that when she would wake in the morning her ‘thing' would have disappeared (the ‘thing' being her penis) or that she would look in the mirror and look like the girls she would draw at night and wish to wake up looking like them.

However, Vicky made the most of her lovely sister Emily who was so sweet and kind to her, they both played with their toys and this was Vicky's means of having toys considered very definitely feminine ones.  Also, her best friend was a girl called Chloe, they often spent much time with each other, playing, watching videos, riding bikes and sucking ice poles from the sweet shop in the summer sun.  However, having such a good unit of girl friends, allowed Vicky something she would not always have access to at home, and that was dressing up in her friend's clothes.  Her friend's felt it was ‘wrong' for her to do so, but they soon let her get on with it, and thought nothing of it.  After all, Vicky's many tantrums in the barbers about having her hair cut meant that her parents had let her grow her hair long like most other girls, and indeed she did look like a girl with the long hair, even more so when wearing a friend's dress!  Of course with Emily being four years her junior, Emily's clothes would not fit her, after all a seven year old is bigger than three year olds.


Many afternoons were spent having tea around Chloe's house, and their favourite videos soon became “The Water Babies” and “The Little Mermaid”, Vicky saw something in that felt so right, a glimmer of hope that one day she would change and people wouldn't think she was a boy as she so screamed from her inner being, but just – her, a girl.  That would be possible, but little did she know that lay another ten years ahead…

Things worsened at school, and then one day, perhaps just as she knew she would, she ended up having a crush on someone.  To add to the confusion of other people's insistence that she was a boy, a new person came to the class, she was now nine.  Immediately Vicky had a huge crush on this person, another girl?  No, this was a boy, she was knocked for six and instead of always daydreaming of her future adventures as a girl, this boy, Alex entered into those daydreams.  She could not keep her eyes off of him, but others noticed this as well.  Her friends that still saw her as a boy, despite her continued typical feminine behaviour, and her insistence to them that she should be called Vicky, they began to get curious about her behaviour around Alex, the new boy.  She had decided on being called Victoria a couple of years prior after going through the girl's names in her class at the time, the name felt so right for her, and she loved the name shortened to Vicky.

Chloe one day after seeing her staring at Alex again asked her
"Do you like Alex or something, you keep looking at him” she said
"Well... do you think I shouldn't?” Vicky replied
“But boys should like girls shouldn't they?  Do you think you love him?” Chloe responded with clear curiosity and a hint of excitement
“I guess I do really like him, but I have told you before I wish I was a girl” Vicky said feeling really down about her inability to act on her feelings.
“But, how can you be, you have a boy's thing and I suppose you do look girly!  But, maybe you are just one of those boys who like other boys, my dad says they are queer, or gay” Chloe said perhaps not realising how wrong she was, but how could she comprehend the issue that was evident, transsexualism, but both had yet to discover the word and its meaning.
“I don't feel like a boy, I feel like a girl, I am a girl just like you, why aren't I like most other boys, I do all the things you girls do and really like it?” Vicky said standing up for herself again.
“I suppose you could be right, maybe you are special and will change one day, anyway you're still my friend and I suppose that being a girl, liking boys is a good thing!” Chloe responded trying to reinforce her friendship with Vicky.


Alex left after a year at the primary school, this made Vicky very upset for a long time, he was after all the son of a father who was in the RAF, and he was posted to Wales in the summer of 1993.  The last year of primary school was much the same as it always had been, except Vicky felt that her ties with her girl friends were harder to keep than ever as she was expected to behave like a boy more and more.  But she couldn't, she just wasn't a boy.  But at least with her friends like Chloe, she still played with them, went to clubs with them and carried on the dance lessons she so enjoyed.  She was still getting on fine with her parents, her brother James and her sweet sister Emily by now seven years old.  Firstly her mum was still OK about her apparent odd behaviour for a boy, compared to eight year old James who was a typical boy, he wasn't a bully or mean, but much tougher than his sisters Emily and Vicky.  Vicky's dad was more discouraged by her behaviour, his absence for four years working away from home had come to an end a year or two prior and he noticed more than ever his “son's” apparent odd behaviour and sometimes shouted at her to grow up and stop behaving the way she did, like any other girl.

Emily however was still sweet as pie to her, but too young to understand sometimes what Vicky said about how she was feeling, they still played together often.  However one day Emily, the inquisitive girl that she was, asked Vicky,
“Why don't you play with toys like James'?”
Vicky had to think carefully how to answer in a way that her sister would understand, she was extremely close to Emily, having looked after her so much and tending her when she was a baby, they shared most things together, and Emily often talked to Vicky about how many boyfriends she had!
“Emily, the reason I play with my toys and yours is because inside I feel like a girl!”, Vicky said slowly and scared of the repercussions that could have on her sister,
“A girl!” Emily giggled, but saw Vicky almost ready to cry “How can you be a girl when you are a boy, everyone says you are a boy and you're my brother!” Emily said kind of scared and confused but ready to try and understand
“I guess I feel like a caterpillar, you know what they do don't you?” said Vicky
“Yes, we did it in class a long time ago” Emily said looking eager to find out more
“I think at the moment I'm like the caterpillar, hiding myself inside, and one day I will hide away for a little bit in my shell and come out like a butterfly does.  Do you understand Emily?” explained Vicky
“No, because you don't want to be a butterfly” Emily said bemused
“No I'm not, but I'm like that, I'm hiding in a boys body and one day I will sleep and wake up in a girl's body, I hope” added Vicky to aid Emily's understanding
“Oh, I see, but you look like a girl now with your hair long, but you have a willy, so when will you be a girl?” asked Emily grinning, Vicky paused at being reminded of her hugely hated member.
“I don't know, when mummy and daddy know I guess” answered Vicky
“Have you got my wedding Barbie doll?” asked Emily going back to the things her and Vicky enjoyed much more
“I think it's under my pillow, and I don't want to be Ken this time!” joked Vicky, Emily giggled and just as Vicky went to get up, she gave Vicky a little kiss on her cheek and said
“I love you!”, Vicky almost burst out in tears, her sister was just so sweet and understanding even being so young as Emily was, and they carried on playing just as they had done many times.


Index Page
Chapter Two

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