From Within

Chapter Eleven

Vicky was more than happy to have finally started on hormones; actually that is such a huge understatement as she was beginning to have her mind truly opened up to the wonders of how perfectly they would suit who she always knew she was and also bring out a pretty girl indeed.  Though she had college everyday; she managed to inspect her body's progress day by day; though this practice would soon fizzle out as time would pass. She kept Emily and her mum updated on the progress that was being made.  Within a month; the main change that Vicky noticed and indeed dearly loved; was her mind's emotions finally connecting up to her body.  So many times before now she had moments where she wanted to cry but could not; now she could, her smiles were really eminating from within; as joy and peace began to settle and calm the raging testosterone.


There was also physical changes  beginning to happen; Vicky did not look any different if the truth be told; but at the time she was picking out all the minor things - that of course; go on to make the big changes collectively; it was just lucky that for Vicky; her looks could still be feminine and like any girl's - but the hormones now would ensure against any further damage being made.


"My hair is changing colour slightly!" she said to Ellen as they sat on the bed discussing her changes for that day!

"Has it?" responded Ellen rather surprised that maybe the hormones do also effect all the things that you would never expect; even if it was so slightly.

"Vicky, I was wondering whether down below has indeed got.."  hesitated Ellen, "...calmer" she finished asking the awkward question.

Vicky also paused as she thought how to answer the question; being reminded of her incongruity down below; something that subconsciously.

"Thankfully that has at last calmed itself; it doesn't get too, well you know what happens to men when they get excited!" she said very quietly managing a bit of a titter as she tailed off.

"So you don't get too many problems with Alex?" Ellen said carrying on her inquisition; or so it seemed; but Vicky and her mum had always talked very intimately; especially since coming out; after all the relationship had become so much more mother to daughter alike; and at last Vicky felt like she was truly being treated like her sister Emily.

"He doesn't know still if that's what you mean" she said.

"You like him don't you?" said Ellen, seeing the sparkle and looks in Vicky's eyes as she semi-dazed about him, as she opened her eyes wide open coming out of her daze.  At least now her dreams about boys weren't just "some boy" but rather about a boy who she really did have something of a crush on; maybe those daydreams of having romantic weekend breaks away from home; and being swept off her feet on the perfect white wedding day were - at least a possibility.

"Sorry" she said realising she was having one of her moments "...well obviously I do really like him; and he is so handsome and also really nice, but he's fun!" she tailed off before she started really going of a tangent.


Vicky's time at college was also going very well; nobody who knew of her past had not even dare mention it and her studies were going very well indeed. She often had small tests which gauged her progress and essays; and she seemed to consistently attain A or B grades as she could concentrate much better; except for when Alex was on her mind; which wasn't always as you could imagine.  They met up most lunchtimes; and chatted whilst sitting around a table in the canteen.  Nothing inspiring but all that mattered was the young love beginning to blossom; as Alex's feelings for Vicky were deepening too; this was certainly not just Vicky with all the feelings.  However the issue of Alex not know about Vicky's past was something of a strain for the poor girl; how would he react?  She had all of these genuine worries that weren't making the relationship too uncomfortable; but in her mind she had always said that the only people that needed to know of her situation was her family, very close friends - but this turned out to be the people who knew her from school, who had thankfully stood by her and turned out to be good friends.  In fact this was not too unexpected; these girls tended not even to know her personally before but they just had the impression she was 'strange' and a 'loner'; of course they now knew quite otherwise that she was just a very normal and down to earth girl.  Then of course the final person that she felt should ever know was her partner; and this was proving difficult, as she was so rightly worried this could spell the end of the relationship that had truly begun to blossom. Alex was potentially too much for her to loose, it would tear her heart out if it were to split them up, though she realised this would be within his rights.


Of course the other continual worry was that someone would 'out' her and destroy the life she had managed to build up for herself at last.  People were finally treating her properly at last, she didn't feel like people were watching her every step and move with their beady eyes, ready to pounce and make a comment keeping her down, this just no longer happened, and the deep depressions and reclusiveness had really lifted from her life.  She xcs2w

was happy, and contented, all the things she wanted in her life; and maybe the final few pieces would fall into place in good time.


"Emily" said Vicky knocking on her door.  Emily opened the door with her headphones on.

"Yeah?" she smiled as she slipped her headphones off.

"Can we talk" Vicky asked, she was evidently beginning to get very concerned with how to talk to Alex.

"Yeah sure honey!" and duly Vicky walked into Emily's room.

"It's about me and Alex" she said as she perched on Emily's bed.

"Why what's wrong" Emily said with a worried look; was something out them just not working out?

"We're fine, in fact it's wonderful and he's cooking a meal tonight around his which sounds really nice but i am worried about, you know having to tell him about you know that stuff!" she exclaimed.

"oh, well you know it's your decision to tell him" Emily said feeling sorry for her sister that things in that way were not yet normal and that this issue would arise each time Vicky entered a relationship.

"Well otherwise it's just going to be more lies and the worry of him finding out otherwise, it's just a worry" she sighed.

"But your not lying!  You are you and that's that!" exclaimed Emily.

"I know but i don't mean it like that, in the future, children and why" she paused to catch her breath, "why I can't you know".  For Vicky this was the biggest problem in her life, that sadly for her she could never conceive.

"I'm sorry, I  didn't mean to..." apologised Emily.

"It's ok I just don't know when, or even if I should tell him" continued Vicky.

"I can't tell you what to do, but follow your heart and I'll support and be there for you."   Vicky held her arms out and hugged Emily dearly.

"Thank you sis, you're the best". said Vicky as she got up giving her sister a kiss on the cheek

"Hey tomorrow me and the girls are going to the cinema, do you want to come?" she asked Emily,

"Yeah, that'd be really nice, give me a shout when dinner's ready Vic" said Emily as she placed her headphones back on.


Sure Emily hadn't given Vicky the conclusive answer but at least she now had a good idea where she stood and that was she would have to tell Alex, and preferably not right on top of Christmas; in fact tonight's candlelit supper looked like the perfect chance, tough the word perfect is perhaps not suited.  She didn't want to risk loosing Alex, but then he deserved to know the full story.  It was made all the worse by the fact Vicky wasn't post-operative with down below though that was due foe correction within the next two years - hopefully!


The evening came too quickly for Vicky; she spent her time deliberating what to wear, in the end she decided to wear something comfortable, so on with her baggy jeans; denim jacket and a cute baby blue top.  She picked up her handbag and kissed her mum goodbye; as everyone else was out!


"Have a lovely time honey!" said Ellen as Vicky walked out the door.

"I will, I'll be back around midnight-ish!" she said smiling.  At least for Ellen she didn't have to worry about Vicky "getting up to no good"; however she was worried about her safety because of her situation.


Alex's house was only a ten minute walk from her house, so it was a nice easy walk  She took a deep breath and rang the door bell.  Soon enough Alex opened the door, smarty dressed in at least a nice light blue shirt.  She kissed his cheek as she walked in and Alex took her jacket and they sat down in the lounge, it was already dark dark outside and so they snuggled up on the sofa, Alex had his seventeenth birthday two weeks ago and was able to buy a bottle of wine from the off license; because he looked eighteen anyway!  Naughty but never mind, it was all in aid of their romantic night in.


"How's your day been sweetie" asked Alex as he cuddled up with Vicky who was feeling somewhat awkward with the thought she would be telling Alex the possibly fateful news.

"Yeah, it's been really nice thanks, only had half a day today so I've been home since about one" she said beginning to smile.

"Oh well that's alright for some isn't it love" Alex said smiling.

"Oi cheeky, I know you didn't go today" she said grinning.

"Yeah well... smarty!" he grinned. 


The two cuddled up close whilst the meal was finally finished in the oven and chatting away, eventually Alex, popped off out to the kitchen to serve up, pour another glass of wine and light the candles.


"This looks lovely" smiled Vicky as she sat down in the dim but romantic lighting around the small table in the back room.

"I hope you like it sweetheart!" laughed Alex as Vicky drew him in with her hand behind his head to give him a kiss.  Alex had cooked steak, with new potatoes, and some vegetables, it looked wonderful as the two chatted away, with Vicky feeling more relaxed as they laughed and joked sipping wine.  Then Alex dropped the bombshell, after two months together, he told icky something she really wasn't expecting as they finished the main course.

"Vicky, I know I have never told you this but, I love you" he said as he went to kiss her lips.


Vicky sat there with her stomach doing summersaults; the boy that had been the subject of many daydreams, had told her he loved her.  She felt a tear come to her eyes and she did begin to weep.  She put her arms around Alex and cuddled up to him and looked deep into his eyes, flicked her hair from her eyes and just told him very simply,

"I love you too" as she began to kiss him passionately...


After a while they decided to have desert which whilst just a tub of ice cream, cream chocolate cookies, Vicky and Alex's favourite, that sat snuggled upon the sofa placing each spoonful into each other's mouths, still laughing and giggling and playing around, with Alex dobbing ice cream on her nose!  The pair were perfect and had so much fun together.  Alex was Vicky's man.  But for how much longer was the worrying question.


"Alex" she said tentatively having finished the ice cream "I need to talk to you about something, seriously" Vicky continued trying to dispel the otherwise happy playful atmosphere for something deadly serious.

"What was is it my munchkin" he said tapping her nose playfully.  Vicky giggled but composed herself again.

"This is serious" she sighed.

"Why, what's wrong Vicky, tell me, you can't be pregnant" said Alex again joking, his smile that became flat when he realised that wasn't suitable for the time or place.

"It's something you should know about, and" she breathed in deeply "could affect us."  Vicky began to feel the tears run down her cheeks.

"You can tell me anything honey, anything, and we'll get through it no matter what" Alex said reassuring.

"Alex, I have never lied to you, but you need to know the whole truth about me" she said biting her lip, Alex cuddled up closer to her touching her hand and holding her.

"Really, tell me, tell me" said Alex getting worried.

"Alex, I love you so much and never wanted to risk that, never in my life. I have never lied to you, i am what you see, the girl you have been going out with. But Alex, I'm" she paused and stuttered crying her eyes out.

"What sweetie, what?!" Alex said desperate to know.

"The medical professional calls me a transsexual" and she broke down and hung her head as if there was some shame, the words were cold, shocking and heart wrenching for her, and the poor boy.

"WHAT!" Alex jumped up with mouth wide open and looking totally shocked.  Vicky could not even manage a single word. as the tears flooded out head hung down and just the horrible, horrible cries of pain from her soul.

Alex just stood still, looking at her, sitting there alone, helpless, defenceless and vulnerable.  He could not move or speak...  


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